[ Comments Off ]Posted on November 29, 2011 by admin in HolidaysTuesday, November 29th, 2011
Parents, face it. If you cut off your good-for-nothing radical kid this Christmas, you’re only punishing CAPITALISM ITSELF.
How can Santa bring you presents,
if you don’t know what you want?
So, you did your best to raise your precious snowflakes to be eager little capitalists. You clothed and fed them for eighteen years, then you sent little Justin and Ashley off to the finest schools your burgeoning debt and education loans could buy. And how do they repay you? They major in political science or philosophy, start THINKING and stuff, and before you know it, they RUN OFF TO JOIN THE OCCUPATION. Well, don’t give up the fight. If you disown your precious snowflake NOW, you’re doing two things to help them win their silly war against the fear and consumption driven world we lovingly crafted for them. First, by cutting them off, you’re just encouraging them to embrace their anti-consumer follies even more, running the risk that they’ll discover that money isn’t everything. Yup. Crazy as it sounds, some people ENJOY a modest lifestyle, and this peasant-like “every day’s a gift” attitude can be contagious. Second, by not spending thousands of dollars on them this Christmas like you always do, the OCCUPATION HAS ALREADY WON. Your “punishment” only punishes CAPITALISM ITSELF. So as crazy as it seems, the best way to prevent your youngster from running off and becoming some kind of vagrant, park-dwelling commie is to HELP THEM DO IT. That’s why we’ve rounded up this list of Holiday Gift Ideas for Occupiers. Read the rest of this entry »
[ Comments Off ]Posted on December 21, 2010 by admin in HolidaysTuesday, December 21st, 2010
Finding those last minute Christmas gifts can be stressful, but let’s gather round the Festivus Pole for a moment and say a prayer for the Global Orgasm Day crowd. They threw a party, but nobody came.
Celebrate three holidays in one with a sexy santa
outfit (cap not included) and a pole dancing kit.
The last few days before Christmas can be hectic, and for some, even depressing. Like for those folks who try to throw a party for Global Orgasm Day every year. The results may be premature, but if the visitor counter on their site is accurate, it looks like nobody came. Then of course we have Festivus on the 23rd. Which is why we pointed out last year that you may as well roll the two together. This year, as you can see in the image on the left, we’re suggesting you roll all three holidays together with a sexy santa outfit (cap not included) and a pole dancing kit. We’re not being sexist here; we think that combo is suitable for either women or men. If the military doesn’t ask, why would we? So speaking of hectic, we have some last minute Christmas shopping to do ourselves, and since we like to think that we give you a little gift almost 365 days a year, we may take a day or two off. If you have last minute shopping to do and you’re stuck for gift ideas, check out some of our offbeat Christmas gift suggestions. They’re probably more entertaining than useful, but range from the inexpensive to the insanely expensive, to the downright perverse. And if the holiday music that’s been subliminally filtering into your brain since the day after Halloween hasn’t left you feeling like the victim of some kind of merchandising psy-ops, we’ve also rounded up a ton of both classic and quirky Christmas music ideas. Anything special you’d like for Christmas this year? Tell us in a comment. There’s nothing we’d love more than to stuff your stockings.
[ Comments Off ]Posted on December 12, 2010 by admin in HolidaysSunday, December 12th, 2010
As if there are boyfriends that will.
We’ve already covered expensive Christmas gifts, forward-thinking inexpensive Christmas gifts, and gifts you’ll pray you don’t get from the weird guy at the office, but each Christmas something that astounds me is how so many women seem perplexed as to what to buy their man. I think the problem all starts with the terminology. You like to THINK you’re dating a man, but if you’ll take off the love goggles for a moment, and think about how he actually behaves, rather than how you’d like him to behave, you’ll quickly realize that there’s a reason that there are sayings like “Few women admit their age, fewer men act it.” It all becomes quite simple when you accept the fact that you’re really shopping for a little boy. If you don’t understand this, you’ll have to talk to his mom, or if you want to get all cerebral about it, read Puer Aeternus by Marie-Luise von Franz. But there’s no need for all that, I’m here, and failing to grow up is kind of a specialty of mine. Although one thing I don’t get is the video game fixation so many guys have – the closest thing to a video game I’ve ever been obsessed with is Snowcraft or Stack The Cats – but otherwise, I get this, and have rounded up some suggestions below. But the rules are quite simple. If it goes vroom, flies, blows up, has boobs, or involves beer, you’re safe. The only question then becomes: do you want the gift to make him be around more, or go away? For instance, if you want him to go away, buy him tickets to a NASCAR race or coupons for a local beer joint. If you want him to stay around, buy him a radio-controlled NASCAR racer, or a home brew kit. See how easy this is?
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This Christmas, why not think about some gifts that will prepare your children for the seemingly inevitable dystopian and gender-confused future that awaits them? We’ve rounded up some affordable toys to help you do it.
Historically, Christmas has been a time for dreams and imagination, the excitement of toys under the tree, and for kids to escape the humdrum of winter with the magic of the holidays. But if you’ve been following the news lately, it’s hard not to get a sense that we’re on the edge of both world war three and global economic collapse. And while our leaders reassure us that random cavity searches and bank bailouts are only for our safety and well-being, we know that they know that everything’s about to fall apart and they’re just carving out their safety and well-being so they don’t end up on the wrong end of the stick in the totalitarian police state that is America’s future. Meanwhile, sexual and moral attitudes have never been more polarized; while the equal rights movement made some inroads, many are longing for a return to traditional male/female roles, while at the same time others are encouraging their kids to “out” themselves as early as pre-school. So this Christmas, maybe it’s time to think about buying your children toys that prepare them for their dystopian future, rather than helping them escape the confusing present. Below we’ve rounded up some toys that will help get your children ready for the catastrophes ahead, and whether you’re liberal or conservative, you’ll be surprised at how well some of these toys will work for either partisan agenda. Read the rest of this entry »
This Cyber Monday, we’re exploring the REAL Island Of Misfit Toys: the strange and disturbing products in Amazon’s “Sexual Wellness” department.
Sure. The Pipedream Products Christmas Tree
looks harmless enough. Until you look
closer and realize Santa has a little secret.
Last year on Cyber Monday , we compiled a list of the weirdest things we could find on Amazon. This year, we thought we’d “push the poor taste envelope” a bit and instead of just rounding up the weirdest things we could find on Amazon, we thought we’d round up the weirdest things we could find on Amazon’s sexual wellness section. For the record, after spending an hour or so “researching”, we’re not so sure about the “wellness” part. So although we’ve spared you the more offensive items, if you’re the least bit prudish and are looking for gift ideas, we recommend maybe checking out Amazon’s regular Cyber Monday specials. But if you’ve never delved into this section of their site – it’s buried under “Health & Personal Care” and items don’t show up in normal searches – then join us for a brief excursion to the real Island of Misfit Toys. And pray that the creepy nerd three cubes over who visits our site isn’t your Secret Santa. For the most amusement, try guessing what the items are before reading the details. Sometimes a flashlight is just a flashlight. Sometimes it isn’t.