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[ Add A Comment ]Posted on November 29, 2011 by admin in Holidays
Tuesday, November 29th, 2011
Parents, face it. If you cut off your good-for-nothing radical kid this Christmas, you’re only punishing CAPITALISM ITSELF.
How can Santa bring you presents,
if you don’t know what you want? |
So, you did your best to raise your precious snowflakes to be eager little capitalists. You clothed and fed them for eighteen years, then you sent little Justin and Ashley off to the finest schools your burgeoning debt and education loans could buy. And how do they repay you? They major in political science or philosophy, start THINKING and stuff, and before you know it, they RUN OFF TO JOIN THE OCCUPATION. Well, don’t give up the fight. If you disown your precious snowflake NOW, you’re doing two things to help them win their silly war against the fear and consumption driven world we lovingly crafted for them. First, by cutting them off, you’re just encouraging them to embrace their anti-consumer follies even more, running the risk that they’ll discover that money isn’t everything. Yup. Crazy as it sounds, some people ENJOY a modest lifestyle, and this peasant-like “every day’s a gift” attitude can be contagious. Second, by not spending thousands of dollars on them this Christmas like you always do, the OCCUPATION HAS ALREADY WON. Your “punishment” only punishes CAPITALISM ITSELF. So as crazy as it seems, the best way to prevent your youngster from running off and becoming some kind of vagrant, park-dwelling commie is to HELP THEM DO IT. That’s why we’ve rounded up this list of Holiday Gift Ideas for Occupiers. Read the rest of this entry »
[ Add A Comment ]Posted on December 12, 2010 by admin in Holidays
Sunday, December 12th, 2010
As if there are boyfriends that will.
We’ve already covered expensive Christmas gifts, forward-thinking inexpensive Christmas gifts, and gifts you’ll pray you don’t get from the weird guy at the office, but each Christmas something that astounds me is how so many women seem perplexed as to what to buy their man. I think the problem all starts with the terminology. You like to THINK you’re dating a man, but if you’ll take off the love goggles for a moment, and think about how he actually behaves, rather than how you’d like him to behave, you’ll quickly realize that there’s a reason that there are sayings like “Few women admit their age, fewer men act it.” It all becomes quite simple when you accept the fact that you’re really shopping for a little boy. If you don’t understand this, you’ll have to talk to his mom, or if you want to get all cerebral about it, read Puer Aeternus
by Marie-Luise von Franz. But there’s no need for all that, I’m here, and failing to grow up is kind of a specialty of mine. Although one thing I don’t get is the video game fixation so many guys have – the closest thing to a video game I’ve ever been obsessed with is Snowcraft or Stack The Cats – but otherwise, I get this, and have rounded up some suggestions below. But the rules are quite simple. If it goes vroom, flies, blows up, has boobs, or involves beer, you’re safe. The only question then becomes: do you want the gift to make him be around more, or go away? For instance, if you want him to go away, buy him tickets to a NASCAR race or coupons for a local beer joint. If you want him to stay around, buy him a radio-controlled NASCAR racer
, or a home brew kit
. See how easy this is?
Read the rest of this entry »
[ 1 Comment ]Posted on December 1, 2010 by admin in Holidays
Wednesday, December 1st, 2010
This Christmas, why not think about some gifts that will prepare your children for the seemingly inevitable dystopian and gender-confused future that awaits them? We’ve rounded up some affordable toys to help you do it.
Historically, Christmas has been a time for dreams and imagination, the excitement of toys under the tree, and for kids to escape the humdrum of winter with the magic of the holidays. But if you’ve been following the news lately, it’s hard not to get a sense that we’re on the edge of both world war three and global economic collapse. And while our leaders reassure us that random cavity searches and bank bailouts are only for our safety and well-being, we know that they know that everything’s about to fall apart and they’re just carving out their safety and well-being so they don’t end up on the wrong end of the stick in the totalitarian police state that is America’s future. Meanwhile, sexual and moral attitudes have never been more polarized; while the equal rights movement made some inroads, many are longing for a return to traditional male/female roles, while at the same time others are encouraging their kids to “out” themselves as early as pre-school. So this Christmas, maybe it’s time to think about buying your children toys that prepare them for their dystopian future, rather than helping them escape the confusing present. Below we’ve rounded up some toys that will help get your children ready for the catastrophes ahead, and whether you’re liberal or conservative, you’ll be surprised at how well some of these toys will work for either partisan agenda. Read the rest of this entry »
[ 1 Comment ]Posted on November 26, 2010 by admin in Holidays
Friday, November 26th, 2010
Eventually, those spoiled and entitled little brats you see at FAO Schwarz grow up. And become spoiled and entitled ADULTS. Here are some expensive holiday gifts for the person who has everything. But wants more.
One of the unfortunate side effects of the Christmas season is that all of your favorite websites suddenly become a massive blogjam of crazy and expensive gift ideas. This online shopping linkfest isn’t necessarily a bad thing; as we all know, shopping in person can actually be lethal. But rather than compile lists of the kind of hi-tech doodads you’ll find on NewEgg’s holiday pages
or Amazon’s Cyber Monday specials like everybody else, we thought we’d focus on gifts for people that really matter, i.e.: people with seemingly limitless disposable income. We already covered some gift ideas for their precious little snowflakes, but eventually, whiny entitled children will grow up, and become whiny entitled adults. Which is why in this roundup, we’re featuring items like the 3 Carat Diamond Pacifier pictured here. Kill two birds with one stone (actually 278 of them), with the perfect gift for that spouse or partner who never seems to stop whining no matter how much you spend. Put your money where their mouth is for just $17,000. Isn’t it amazing how much money you can blow on Amazon these days? Below are a few more expensive gift ideas for the person who has everything. But wants more. Read the rest of this entry »
[ 3 Comments ]Posted on November 21, 2010 by admin in Holidays
Sunday, November 21st, 2010
Ever wonder where people like Paris Hilton got their overblown sense of entitlement? Their parents bought it at FAO Schwarz and Neiman Marcus when they were five.
 
The only Ferrari you’ll ever
be able to afford: $2,564 |
As you struggle with the rude and poverty-stricken masses at Wal-Mart, using the new credit card you won’t be able to pay off to buy your kids enough presents that they won’t confuse your life with the one the Cratchits are living in the Disney 3D movie they’re watching
(in 2D) with no sitter while you shop, you’ll be glad to know that Wall Street bankers and DC politicians will have their own struggles. Like the annoying peon staff they have to endure when they buy their kids $15,000 gingerbread houses at Neiman Marcus or life-size stuffed ponies at FAO Schwarz. Below are just a few of the gifts bailed out bankers will be buying their kids with your tax dollars. (By the way, if you think we’re rushing this whole Christmas thing, maybe you should check out our weird and alternative thanksgiving ideas.
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