Unless You’d Like To Spend Forty Bucks On A Commemorative Egg

I feel pretty confident somehow that we’ll see fewer eggs being tossed around  in DC this January 20 than we did in 2001 (although strangely, you can buy a Russian-made innaugural egg pendant to commemorate the event). In spite of an expected record turnout, so far the greatest security concern seems to be whether or not there’ll be enough porta potties to go around. Like the old saying goes: If you have a party and this many people come, you better make sure they have some place to “go”. That’s why someone has already put together the handy guide Where To Pee in DC. For those of you who are lucky enough to have a ticket, a friendly reminder: no firearms, ammunition (real or simulated), or explosives are allowed. And on that note, unless you already do have a ticket, you probably won’t. Unless you have an extra $40,000 to throw around that is. Otherwise the only two hot news items regarding the inauguration seem to be which bible passage Obama will emphasize as he uses the Abe Lincoln bible to be sworn in, and how the hell Rick Warren got inauguration tickets.

A Kinder, Snugglier Legacy?

It’s too bad George Bush didn’t like reading the newspaper as president. If he had, he might have realized what a horrible person he’d been much sooner, and wouldn’t be apologizing for it now. Not that he didn’t have plenty of help from his Constitution-shredding “co-president” , and the revolting gasbag he affectionately refers to as Turd Blossom. So he’s selling the infamous Rancho De Relaciones Públicas and moving back to his native suburban environment, which apparently makes a few people happy. But where does the end of the eight-year-empire leave us as people and a country? Will we do anything to address the crimes the Bush administration has committed? There are plenty of reasons to impeach Bush and Cheney; are we just going to move along like a big dysfunctional family as if nothing ever happened? Part of me wants to do that, but part of me feels like not addressing what has happened will encourage other megalomaniacs to repeat the pattern. What do you think?

Someday, the guy that threw the shoes at Bush will be an iconic figure, like the man facing the tank in Tiannemen Square . For now though, while he’s in an undisclosed location for Bush administration-style interviews, he’ll have to settle for being immortalized in Flash games. Getting the most attention (probably because of the clean graphic style) in spite of sucking as a game is Bush Boot Camp, proving that banjo soundtracks don’t always make a game funny. The eponymously-named (I love saying that; bring it on grammar nazis!) That Guy Totally Threw A Shoe At President Bush: The Game at least uses shoes instead of rifle cross-hairs to aim. Use the spacebar as needed to duck and reload. My Norwegian is a little rusty, or I’d explain in detail what the finer points of this game are. I think you’ll figure it out though. And in Flying babush, you get to be Bush and try to duck. Probably more amusing than all these games (after all, there are only so many ways you can throw two shoes) is this collection of animated graphics. On with shoe! Yes. I said that.

My Obama buzz is wearing off. Even though I was pacing myself, I got just a little too high on the idea of change he promised. So far, I’m feeling a little bit like I voted for a Clinton. As this November 14 CBSNews.com piece points out, 37 of 41 staff or transition team members have close ties to the Clinton administration. You’d expect a certain amount of this — it would only be logical to have some seasoned White House staff on board — but it appears I’m not alone in my concerns. I have to admit I’m not stunned by Obama’s weekly chats either. One would think his team would be more aware that he’s not campaigning any more, and can stop using the more moronic sound bites like “Wall Street vs. Main Street”. On the other hand, I’m excited that he seems genuinely focused on re-building both America’s infrastructure and its image abroad. I’d like to be more upbeat on this topic, but I’m really tired of saying to myself “at least this is better than [insert morally bankrupt politician name]“. He campaigned heavily on the theme of real change, and that’s exactly why I voted for him. Anybody else feeling the jones?

Like a lot of pseudo-intellectuals, I’ve been submerged in a deep depression since the election. How are we going to talk about fixing the world’s problems if one of us is actually working on them? How could life be worth living without Sarah Palin to make fun of, and nut-jobs (okay, let’s show a little sensitivity, she has a disorder,after all) like Ann Coulter to whine about? And although some suggest only science fiction could save us from our economic woes, this Obama guy might surprise us. Fortunately, just when I thought my liberal intellectual angst had been rendered a relic, Ann Coulter did something we’ve all prayed for for ages, and got her mouth wired shut. And just in time for the holidays, the grizzly, Thanksgiving-themed Sarah Palin clip featured here showed up. Watch the guy in the background while she calmly rambles on in her repetitious, sound-bitey, youbetcha way.

With nothing else to do but sit back and laugh as the press devours his former running mate with plastic forks and knives, John McCain has decided to grow a moustache (see creepy image, left*). “Chicks dig it”, he is quoted as saying - according to an anonymous staffer - allegedly emphasizing his point by making a “V” gesture below his mouth and making a “lah-leh-lah-leh” noise with his tongue. Although he has reportedly been offered a position in the new administration, insiders quoted him as saying “C’mon my friend…who ever heard of a WHITE lawn jockey?” The administration expressed disappointment, but is moving ahead with their cabinet decisions. In other political news: well, let’s face it. There is none. In fact, Dissociated Press is rumored to be announcing the end of their Politics section altogether, as well as their political comic strip. As the site’s chief editor and writer put it: “Bush and Cheney? Now that shit’s funny before you pick up the pencil, but Obama? We’re actually planning to just redirect our domain to the White House so we can get to work for the man.”

*Which is actually a Schick™ ad campaign

Don’t believe everything you read. Maybe not even the following information. “On the Internet”, as they say, “no-one knows you’re a dog“. Apparently all the hoopla about Sarah Palin thinking Africa was a country was the result of the media falling for an absurd parody of a think tank (The Harding Institute for Freedom and Democracy), a political expert (Martin Eisenstadt),  and his blog. See this New York Times piece for the convoluted details.

Although I’m as full of hope as many are that our president-elect will bring positive change to America and the world, I’m keeping an eye on his follow-through, especially after the major disappointment he already delivered to me regarding the FISA bill. I’m glad to say he keeps surprising me. Check out the new government site Change.gov. In some ways it feels like I just got elected president. I said back in 2001 that I thought it would be great if we started a national service corps, since the country seemed to be so excited to put young people in uniform. Why not put them in uniforms and put them to work at home? Well, here we have America Serves, which includes plans for a Classroom Corps, a Health Corps, a Clean Energy Corps, and a Veterans Corps. And since so few shared their hope with Dissociated Press when asked, maybe you’d like to share your story, and vision directly with the incoming administration. Let’s give a big fist-bump to the next generation…

I woke up with a hangover this morning. No, I didn’t get drunk last night, at least not on alcohol. I was drunk with the power of more than 130 million voters to change the world. That old Pointer Sisters song keeps running through my head: “We can do it if we want to, I know we can make it, I know darn well we can work it out”. So now what are we gonna do? I hope we restore America’s sense of self-respect. I hope we repair our reputation abroad. I hope we let the Iraqi people have their country back. I hope we focus on alternatives to petroleum for energy. I hope we get our middle class back and put people to work. I hope a black person feels a little more a part of the country they live in than they did on November 3. What do you hope for?

Well, I voted. Now all I can do is sit back and trust America. Which worked so well for me in 2000 and again in 2004. So I’m just trying to float through the rest of the day with a sense of humor. On that note, four-year old Truett says to get out and vote, pointing out that you’re lucky, because “I Nevew Kin Vote Fo Fo-teen Yee-wuhs“. On the other end of the age spectrum, apparently America’s remaining dial-up Internet users have already elected McCain in a landslide. As usual, The Onion has some good stuff in their “War for the White House” section like Bush: ‘Can I Stop Being President Now?’ and commentary on long voter lines like “If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you do it, too? And by that I mean I’m not voting.” And for a sort of odd time-filler, check out the New York Times’ Election Word Train, which lets you say how you feel and watch results of others’ input as a “word crawl”. We don’t have a Word Train on Dissociated Press, but I’d love to hear your experiences or thoughts about today…