Politics
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[ Add A Comment ]Posted on August 31, 2010 by admin in Politics
Tuesday, August 31st, 2010Democrats, Republicans…who can tell them apart these days? That’s why I’ve decided to throw my own little party. The Punk Party. Help me with some bumper sticker ideas for the party you’re not invited to.
I was pretty excited about the 2000 presidential election. Which was quite a turnaround from 1980, when I was protesting the reinstatement of draft registration, and 1984 and 1988, when I didn’t even vote. I reluctantly voted for that horndog con man Clinton in ‘92, but only because I was tired of having a warmongering former CIA director as president. And you can’t deny the 90’s were pretty okay in a lot of ways. In 2000, I was bummed that we were stuck with that stick-up-his-ass twit Al Gore as the democratic candidate, but I voted for the jerk anyway, because it was better than helping build the Bush oligarchy or wasting a vote on somebody like Nader. And then democracy was hijacked. The numbers are the numbers, and a court decided the election, not the voters. And anybody who denies that is, well, in denial. So of course, with the meat puppet GW Bush dancing on the strings of the militaristic New American Century neocons, before you knew it we’d been attacked by terrorists again, and had started two wars. I still find it interesting that half of America is out for Muslim blood for 9/11. I mean, why didn’t everybody develop an irrational fear and murderous hatred of rednecks from New York and Michigan after Oklahoma City? So 2004 rolls around, and America’s still in a state of fear and panic, mostly thanks to the neocons fueling it, and then we have another election hijacked. Even Chris Hitchens thought so. To me, the only thing more appalling than the brazenness of THAT little stunt was the fact that there weren’t riots the day after election day. So we endure four more years of paranoia, some failing wars, and a decimated economy, and then the weirdest thing in the world happens. America elects a black president. L~a~a~a~a~a [INSERT ANGELIC CHOIR SOUND]. Hallelujah. The world is born anew. Our savior has arrived! But wait… it turns out he’s the same-old-same-old rich guy in Washington, he just has a higher IQ than the last guy. Oh, wait. Hold on. What’s this? Fox has some breaking news. What? He’s a Muslim? He has no BIRTH CERTIFICATE? He’s a GODDAMN SOCIALIST hell bent on DESTROYING AMERICA? Shit. I bet he’s gay too. I have to confess that the only thing that creeps me out more than a politician these days is the people that vote for them. And by that I mean the average American voter. Never have so many had so much information available….and IGNORED it. In my opinion, Public Enemy Number One is Rupert Murdoch, with the citizens who hungrily devour his news machine’s crumbs of disinformation like they’re Big Macs or something running a tight second. I’m sorry, you don’t know who Rupert Murdoch is? He’s a foreigner. An Australian with a socialist background. And the owner of most of the biggest news sources in America. So. With almost every moderately intelligent person I know taking sides in the “Glenn Beck vs Keith Olbermann Sentiment Election of 2010″, I’ve finally given up. I’m forming my own party, and I don’t care if you join me. I wouldn’t mind some thoughts on taglines and graphics though, so feel free to share any ideas you have for the party no-one is invited to, the Punk Party. Read the rest of this entry »
Palin-Quayle 2012: Everybody’s GOP Dream Ticket
[ Add A Comment ]Posted on August 25, 2010 by admin in Politics
Wednesday, August 25th, 2010There’s no refudiating that folks on both sides of the aisle feel a Palin-Quayle GOP ticket in 2012 would be a dream come true. Buy a bumper sticker and help us dream up more slogans.
 Get the insanely overpriced bumper sticker while supplies last |
One thing we can all probably agree on is that Washington could use some fresh blood. That’s why we’re so excited about the new GOP superstar Ben Quayle’s recent win in the Arizona congressional primaries. We think the brilliant 33 year old was spot-on with his observation that aging Washington insider Barack Obama is the worst president in history, a fact that so-called “scholars” absurdly try to refudiate. We think Ben’s platform based on “that guy’s the WORST” and “I’m gonna knock the hell out of Washington” is exactly what America needs, and that his recent victory points in only one direction: The White House. In spite of our confidence that when he’s old enough, he’ll be prepared to be the leader of the free world, the sad fact is that in 2012, he won’t be. Old enough, that is. Which is why the obvious choice to head the ticket is the seasoned political hand of Sarah Palin. We think citizens and legislators on both sides of the aisle agree that this is an absolute dream ticket for the GOP in 2012. Frankly, the only problem with the GOP ticket in 2008 was that John was too old, and everyone’s fantasy was for Sarah to be on top. To show our support for the 2012 GOP dream we can all believe in, we’ll be rolling out a line of promotional items, but for now all we have is a bumper sticker . Which at the insane price of six bucks even WE can’t afford. But grab these limited edition Cafe Press items while you can, because we’ll be looking for a service that gives us a wholesale price that isn’t 300% of normal retail, and then these items will be collectibles. Feel free to share any clever slogans of your own; we won’t share the profits of course, but you’ll have the personal satisfaction of helping bring this country the leadership it desperately needs. Read the rest of this entry »
The Terror Babies Of Texas & The Psychology Of Politics
[ Add A Comment ]Posted on August 15, 2010 by admin in Politics
Sunday, August 15th, 2010The most rudimentary understanding of psychology explains a lot of what’s wrong with American politics. Even delusions of monster babies from the future that want to kill us.
Because most political dialogue amongst the citizenry these days instantly spirals downward into irrational, knee-jerk, and poorly-reasoned rants about terror, immigrants, socialism and taxes, we often fail to step back and look at the psychological underpinnings of politics in general. Looked at through such a framework, the basic forces at work are quite simple. It all goes back to Psych 101, where one learns that the leaders of any group of people - elected or not - are essentially replacements for our parents. When we’re children, the parental role is first replaced by our teachers and school officials, and later, as we gain more autonomy, by our bosses and other figures of authority, which for some may include some kind of spiritual guidance or deity. As you enter adulthood, if you aren’t the leader of some other type of group, like a business, social, or religious organization, you probably lack the audacity or strength of character to be a political leader. You will forever remain - at least metaphorically - in the role of a child. On the other hand, if you have a sense of self that makes you feel entitled to make decisions on behalf of others, regardless of whether or not you know anything about them, and if you have the communication and organizational skills necessary, your narcissistic tendencies will have the opportunity to flourish, and you stand a good chance of being a politician or some other kind of leader. All of which explains a lot about the dynamics of American politics today. Speaking metaphorically, our parents - who are supposed to provide us with a secure home, feed us, educate us, and guide us into self-sufficient responsible adulthood - have flown the coop. They’ve absconded with our allowance, blowing it on big parties, scandalous relationships, brawls with the neighbors , and half-baked schemes for rebuilding the shattered financial security resulting from their irresponsible behavior. And then, in their guilt and dysfunction, they’ve gone on and tried to point the finger at us , as if their inability to run the household is our fault. As kids, we don’t know how to react to all of this, so instead of calling them out for their shenanigans, we fight amongst each other like dysfunctional siblings. For their part, our “parents” know in their hearts that they’ve created the social and economic mess we’re all in, but are reacting like any parent would when they lose control of the kids. They’re shouting and relying completely on hyperbole to try and scare everyone back into line. Which only riles everyone up more, causing some of the kids to run away from home, others to mope around demanding that someone take care of them, and yet others to scream and shout that they have the solution, even though they’re the ones that most recently trashed the house. So is there a solution? Personally, I think some other families in the neighborhood are going to see a more prominent role in the community before we get our domestic squabbles worked out. Especially when our parents’ guilt and frustration is leading them to create nearly psychotic delusions of, for instance, imaginary terrorist babies. I’ve included a couple of clips below that demonstrate some of the metaphors I’m joking about here. Both clips are with the generally mild-mannered (and probably bleeding heart liberal) Anderson Cooper. Read the rest of this entry »
Facebook Politics - I Only Like You So I Can Hate You
[ Add A Comment ]Posted on August 12, 2010 by admin in Politics
Thursday, August 12th, 2010Why I quit voting and started “Liking”. And why I support the Palin/Quayle campaign of 2012.
I’ve discovered a new approach to political action that seems to confuse my friends, but which I’m confident will afford me endless hours of glee, and may lead to me never getting credit for creating the soon-to-be-popular phrase “I Only Like You So I Can Hate You”. I’ve joked a number of times recently that I’m drifting back toward the apolitical stance of my twenties, but somewhere inside, I knew that I was too addicted to America’s political shenanigans to be satisfied with simple satirical observation. So I’m doing the next best thing to voting: “LIKING”. One ironic side effect of the popularity of Facebook and their omnipresent “Like” button is that if, for instance, you find yourself for some ungodly reason looking at Sarah Palin’s Facebook page, you’ll notice you can’t make a comment on any of her surreal ramblings unless you “Like” her. So today, I did. Prompting a concerned friend to immediately comment with the astute observation that - and I quote - “in spite of appearances Ian, she’s not satire“. A short while later, I coincidentally saw Ben Quayle’s campaign video (also below) that’s been getting so much press today, and immediately “liked” him too, so I could misspell his name as I asked in the comments of his campaign page what a “Tax Cartel” was. Then, as I watched the clip again to make sure it wasn’t actually a Saturday Night Live clip like this one or some viral campaign, it hit me. The solution to all of America’s political woes. The Palin/Quayle campaign of 2012. My theory being that if they don’t win, they’ll at least siphon off enough “real” republican votes to give Obama another four years to figure out what the hell he’s doing before Newt Gingrich or somebody really scary runs. And if they do win, that’s a win for America too. As the nutjob teabagging Washington outsiders that they are, it’ll take them four years to even begin to figure out how to actually get anything done, and by then the global economic collapse caused by the Reagan/Bush/Clinton/Bush/Obama corporatocracy will have fully played out, and THEY’LL get the blame. Then we can all make a fresh start in 2016. So get on board the “I Only Like You So I Can Hate You” movement and help run the hugest campaign of subterfuge and disinformation in the history of politics. Read the rest of this entry »
269 Reasons Why Wyclef Shouldn’t Run For President Of Haiti
[ Add A Comment ]Posted on August 6, 2010 by admin in Featured, Politics
Friday, August 6th, 2010Someone needs to tell Wyclef that Autotune doesn’t work on countries.
 Reason 269: This Hat |
How about every second of this video, which is basically an advertisement for a company that among other things tries to screw its own artists and sue its customers, and features the aging white master of third world exploitation famous for screwing pretty much every artist involved in the making of Graceland. Or maybe reason #268, which is that he may not qualify as a candidate anyway. I say this all in jest of course - who knows, maybe Wyclef as the president of Haiti is a great idea. Maybe the devastated island nation would actually benefit somehow from the excessive use of autotune. But joking aside, Wyclef as president of any nation sounds like a bad idea to me for the same reason that Bono, Bob Geldof, or Peter Gabriel as a nation’s leader sounds like a bad idea. No matter how much one may admire the artist or their philanthropic activities, they are still - at their core - people who made their living shilling corporate products in one of the most greed-driven and image conscious industries on the planet. What do YOU think? Is Wyclef as president a good idea? Read the rest of this entry »