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[ Comments Off ]Posted on December 20, 2012 by admin in HolidaysThursday, December 20th, 2012
Actually, the most “WTF” thing about this all is the article thumbnail and its caption. HAPPY HOLIDAYS!
The other day a friend of mine caught her eight year old daughter using “WTF” all over her Facebook comments. “Do you even know what that means honey?”, she asked. “Of course I do mom. It means ‘wow that’s funny’”, her daughter replied. Of course this didn’t actually happen, at least not in my life; that little story has been kicking around the web since at least 2008. But it’s perfect for filling in the word count on fluff pieces based on “WTF Christmas Presents”, so there you have it. We’ve done plenty of roundups of offbeat Christmas gift ideas before, in fact, we did one just the other day. And although some of the stuff we’ve found was seriously weird, somehow we’ve never gotten around to doing a straight-up “WTF gifts” piece. So we figured with the end of the world (which scenario will it be?) just a couple of days away, we’d better squeeze one in. If you happen to be reading this after December 21, 2012, go ahead and bask in the cocky assuredness that the world didn’t end after all. But then ponder something my friend Nick pointed out to me today, which is that maybe the world DID end. I’ll leave it to you to decide what that would mean about your existence, but for now, HAPPY HOLIDAYS!
[ Comments Off ]Posted on December 14, 2012 by admin in HolidaysFriday, December 14th, 2012
Don’t let the government have ALL the fun. Spend yourself into oblivion this Christmas with these great gift ideas for the brokeass masses and their overlords to be.
We thought our job was done. In past years, we had pretty much covered the whole “Christmas Gift Ideas as Linkbait” idea, having touched on everything from insanely expensive gifts you might hope to get, to disturbing and perverse gifts you hope you DON’T get. Last year we were so desperate for a new gift theme that we resorted to Christmas Gifts for Occupiers. What could possibly be left? Well, thanks to those clowns in Washington who will gleefully spend 3 billion dollars to get elected but can’t balance a US budget to save their lives, we’re back! While most of us drive off our OWN fiscal cliff just about every Christmas and wake up in the wreckage in January, this is the first time in a while that the government has paused for a moment and said “Holy crap! We’re broke!” Never mind the fact that this has pretty much ALWAYS been the case. This is different! It’s a FISCAL CLIFF for chrissakes. WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE ‘CAUSE THERE’S NO MONEY. Or so some politicians would like us to believe. It’s especially ironic that the GOP was the source of the term “Fiscal Cliff”; somewhere in their clever plan to slap the label on Obama, things backfired. Probably because they overlooked the fact that we’re too smart to ignore the fact that you don’t have to be in a particular party to be a greedy, self-serving, irresponsible twit. “It takes a pillage” as they say. One thing’s for sure. No politician who spent his whole life engineering the kind of pay, perks, and health insurance that congressman enjoy will ever fail to keep the honey flowing. Which – as usual – will have no bearing on OUR lot in life. As the global economy continues its gyrations, the average American will be more brokeass than ever, and “middle class” will become a meaningless phrase as we spiral into a Dickensian world of poverty for the many, and king-like riches for the few. So this year’s roundup focuses on gift ideas for the brokeass and classless, i.e.: you and me, our rich overlords to be, and a couple for the filthy commies who voted Obama back in office so he could finish single-handledly destroying our economy and way of life with his evil socialist agenda. Gift ideas below. Most of them are free or under ten bucks on Amazon. Read the rest of this entry »
[ Comments Off ]Posted on February 13, 2012 by admin in HolidaysMonday, February 13th, 2012
But it COULD be the end of a relationship. If you play your cards right. Ten easy ways to help get rid of that special unwanted someone in your life.
Are you trapped in a dismal relationship, dreading Valentine’s Day even more than usual this year? Well put your mind at ease, because this is your time. Why? In case you forgot, we’re all going to die in some kind of end-of-the world scenario this year, like maybe Chicken Shawarmageddon. What better time to end a relationship than The End of Days? We’ve served up plenty of strange Valentine’s Day gift ideas before, like Last Minute Valentine Gifts For Romance Impaired Misogynists, and Valentine’s Day Gift Ideas To Win Back Your Ex-Girlfriend. But this year, why worry about your existing ex, when you can make a new one? And if you want to make sure someone gets out of your life forever, what better day than Valentine’s Day? There’s no need to boil someone’s bunny, like in Fatal Attraction, or put a horse head on their bed, as in the famous kiss-off in The Godfather. Besides, in some cultures, the latter was historically considered an expression of love. No, giving someone the pink slip on Valentine’s Day will leave no doubt in their mind about whether it’s just a passing quarrel, and can be accomplished with simple and inexpensive gifts that say it all. So if you’re simply looking to dump someone, or, worse yet, if you’ve settled for an awkward half-baked solution that has left you in a position where the three words you dread hearing most as you make passionate love with the person that truly sets your heart on fire are “Honey, I’m home”, maybe it’s time to make a change. We’re here to help with the perfect gifts to break someone’s heart, instead of melting it. Read the rest of this entry »
[ Comments Off ]Posted on December 31, 2011 by admin in HolidaysSaturday, December 31st, 2011
Go ahead and get yourself in a tizzy about the Mayan calendar. Me, I’m more concerned about Chicken Shawarmageddon and the Aporkalypse.
Shawarmageddon Is Near
One strange side effect of growing up in the era of the DVD and Roland Emmerich films is that your typical end-of-the-world scenarios probably just aren’t gonna cut it. Catastrophic floods? Been there. Alien Invasion? Done that. Earthquakes, floods, and other terrestrial tragedies caused by solar activity? Yup. And Roland Emmerich certainly has no corner on end times scenarios either. In fact, according to Wikipedia, the world has already ended 184 times . There was, of course, a glut of predictions surrounding the year 2000, but except for the “Y2K Bug” – which showed a little creativity – most of those were pretty run-of-the mill asteroid collisions and resurrections of the messiah kind of stuff. So what of interest to us in 2012 could the Mayans possibly have come up with? Nada, that’s what. How could they have possibly envisioned things like the Chicken Shawarmageddon or the The Botoxalypse? I mean, they didn’t even have electricity, never mind Middle Eastern food or the rap music culture necessary to pave the way for the Tupacalypse. No, the whole idea behind the end of the world is that you won’t really be prepared, and the human race probably IS prepared for things like “a whole bunch of water” or frogs falling from the sky. That’s why we’ve assembled a list of twelve alternate endings for 2012. Endjoy. Read the rest of this entry »
[ Comments Off ]Posted on November 29, 2011 by admin in HolidaysTuesday, November 29th, 2011
Parents, face it. If you cut off your good-for-nothing radical kid this Christmas, you’re only punishing CAPITALISM ITSELF.
How can Santa bring you presents,
if you don’t know what you want?
So, you did your best to raise your precious snowflakes to be eager little capitalists. You clothed and fed them for eighteen years, then you sent little Justin and Ashley off to the finest schools your burgeoning debt and education loans could buy. And how do they repay you? They major in political science or philosophy, start THINKING and stuff, and before you know it, they RUN OFF TO JOIN THE OCCUPATION. Well, don’t give up the fight. If you disown your precious snowflake NOW, you’re doing two things to help them win their silly war against the fear and consumption driven world we lovingly crafted for them. First, by cutting them off, you’re just encouraging them to embrace their anti-consumer follies even more, running the risk that they’ll discover that money isn’t everything. Yup. Crazy as it sounds, some people ENJOY a modest lifestyle, and this peasant-like “every day’s a gift” attitude can be contagious. Second, by not spending thousands of dollars on them this Christmas like you always do, the OCCUPATION HAS ALREADY WON. Your “punishment” only punishes CAPITALISM ITSELF. So as crazy as it seems, the best way to prevent your youngster from running off and becoming some kind of vagrant, park-dwelling commie is to HELP THEM DO IT. That’s why we’ve rounded up this list of Holiday Gift Ideas for Occupiers. Read the rest of this entry »