Holidays

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Valentine’s Day 2012 – It’s Not The End of the World

[ Add A Comment ]Posted on February 13, 2012 by admin in Holidays

Monday, February 13th, 2012

But it COULD be the end of a relationship. If you play your cards right. Ten easy ways to help get rid of that special unwanted someone in your life.

The End
Charmageddon

Are you trapped in a dismal relationship, dreading Valentine’s Day even more than usual this year? Well put your mind at ease, because this is your time. Why? In case you forgot, we’re all going to die in some kind of end-of-the world scenario this year, like maybe Chicken Shawarmageddon. What better time to end a relationship than The End of Days? We’ve served up plenty of strange Valentine’s Day gift ideas  before, like Last Minute Valentine Gifts For Romance Impaired Misogynists, and Valentine’s Day Gift Ideas To Win Back Your Ex-Girlfriend. But this year, why worry about your existing ex, when you can make a new one? And if you want to make sure someone gets out of your life forever, what better day than Valentine’s Day? There’s no need to boil someone’s bunny, like in Fatal Attraction, or put a horse head on their bed, as in the famous kiss-off in The Godfather. Besides, in some cultures, the latter was historically considered an expression of love. No, giving someone the pink slip on Valentine’s Day will leave no doubt in their mind about whether it’s just a passing quarrel, and can be accomplished with simple and inexpensive gifts that say it all. So if you’re simply looking to dump someone, or, worse yet, if you’ve settled for an awkward half-baked solution that has left you in a position where the three words you dread hearing most as you make passionate love with the person that truly sets your heart on fire are “Honey, I’m home”, maybe it’s time to make a change. We’re here to help with the perfect gifts to break someone’s heart, instead of melting it. Read the rest of this entry »

Chicken Shawarmageddon & 13 Other Ways The World Might End In 2012

[ Add A Comment ]Posted on December 31, 2011 by admin in Holidays

Saturday, December 31st, 2011

Go ahead and get yourself in a tizzy about the Mayan calendar. Me, I’m more concerned about Chicken Shawarmageddon and the Aporkalypse.

shawarmageddon!
Shawarmageddon Is Near

One strange side effect of growing up in the era of the DVD and Roland Emmerich films is that your typical end-of-the-world scenarios probably just aren’t gonna cut it. Catastrophic floods? Been there. Alien Invasion? Done that. Earthquakes, floods, and other terrestrial tragedies caused by solar activity? Yup. And Roland Emmerich certainly has no corner on end times scenarios either. In fact, according to Wikipedia, the world has already ended 184 times . There was, of course, a glut of predictions surrounding the year 2000, but except for the “Y2K Bug” – which showed a little creativity – most of those were pretty run-of-the mill asteroid collisions and resurrections of the messiah kind of stuff. So what of interest to us in 2012 could the Mayans possibly have come up with? Nada, that’s what. How could they have possibly envisioned things like the Chicken Shawarmageddon or the The Botoxalypse? I mean, they didn’t even have electricity, never mind Middle Eastern food or the rap music culture necessary to pave the way for the Tupacalypse. No, the whole idea behind the end of the world is that you won’t really be prepared, and the human race probably IS prepared for things like “a whole bunch of water” or frogs falling from the sky. That’s why we’ve assembled a list of twelve alternate endings for 2012. Endjoy. Read the rest of this entry »

Occupy Christmas – 15 Gift Ideas For The Young Occupier In Your Life

[ Add A Comment ]Posted on November 29, 2011 by admin in Holidays

Tuesday, November 29th, 2011

Parents, face it. If you cut off your good-for-nothing radical kid this Christmas, you’re only punishing CAPITALISM ITSELF.


How can Santa bring you presents,
if you don’t know what you want?

So, you did your best to raise your precious snowflakes to be eager little capitalists. You clothed and fed them for eighteen years, then you sent little Justin and Ashley off to the finest schools your burgeoning debt and education loans could buy. And how do they repay you? They major in political science or philosophy, start THINKING and stuff, and before you know it, they RUN OFF TO JOIN THE OCCUPATION. Well, don’t give up the fight. If you disown your precious snowflake NOW, you’re doing two things to help them win their silly war against the fear and consumption driven world we lovingly crafted for them. First, by cutting them off, you’re just encouraging them to embrace their anti-consumer follies even more, running the risk that they’ll discover that money isn’t everything. Yup. Crazy as it sounds, some people ENJOY a modest lifestyle, and this peasant-like “every day’s a gift” attitude can be contagious. Second, by not spending thousands of dollars on them this Christmas like you always do, the OCCUPATION HAS ALREADY WON. Your “punishment” only punishes CAPITALISM ITSELF. So as crazy as it seems, the best way to prevent your youngster from running off and becoming some kind of vagrant, park-dwelling commie is to HELP THEM DO IT. That’s why we’ve rounded up this list of Holiday Gift Ideas for Occupiers. Read the rest of this entry »

Happy Holi!

[ Add A Comment ]Posted on March 19, 2011 by admin in Holidays

Saturday, March 19th, 2011

Why the popular Indian festival of Holi hasn’t been cashed in on by American business is beyond me.


Source

What could be more fun than building bonfires while basking under the biggest full moon in decades, and the next day hittin’ the bhang, and splashing bright colors all over your friends in the sunshine? With American capitalism’s gift for commercializing just about any holiday – I mean, this is the country that turns Jesus into a fat guy in a red suit or a bunny, and Christian saints into babies with love darts or leprechauns swilling green beer – I’m AMAZED that no-one has brought the Indian festival of Holi into the mix. I must confess to my own utter ignorance until just yesterday; for years I had seen images on the web of Indian people partying in the street, doused in vivid color, and had no idea what they were doing. Well, now I know that it’s Holi, a celebration at the first full moon of Spring that also commemorates the survival of Prince Prahlada who, in defiance of his father’s wishes, worshiped Lord Vishnu, for which his father sent him to burn in a bonfire on his sister Holika’s lap. Or something like that. You can learn more on Wikipedia or one of the many sites devoted to the festival of Holi. Me, I’m calling Crayola and the makers of Super Soakers to get a licensing deal going. Might as well call a patent lawyer too, Holi is going to need some official Pantone Holi Colors™ as well.

Read the rest of this entry »

What The Hell IS Presidents Day, Anyway?

[ Add A Comment ]Posted on February 21, 2011 by admin in Holidays

Monday, February 21st, 2011

There seems to be a lot of confusion around what Presidents Day is actually celebrating. We’re here with the facts, and links to OTHER facts, if you don’t like ours. And by the way, Sarah Palin would make one mother of a founding father, don’t you think?


Sarah Palin would make one mother
of a founding father, don’tcha think?

It’s interesting that Presidents Day, in spite of indicating a plurality, only specifically acknowledges one president, i.e. George Washington. To add to the fun, please note that the Uniform Monday Holiday Act did not officially call Washington’s birthday “Presidents Day”, it just placed the official holiday between February 15 and 21, which means it never actually falls on his birthday! In spite of these easily researched facts, the holiday is often inaccurately described in the mainstream, multi-million dollar a year press as a combined celebration of Washington’s and Lincoln’s birthday, as in this AOL piece. But that’s okay. As George himself said: “If the freedom of speech is taken away then dumb and silent we may be led, like sheep to the slaughter”. And in this case AOL is only leading us dumb and silent to ignorance, not slaughter or anything. And ignorance is pretty hip these days. Especially when it comes to George Washington and the other founding fathers, who have sort of become the idealized heroes of the teabaggers and Sarah Palin. A phenomena that this USFCA piece observes is probably because they imagine that the founding fathers were “a composite of Atticus Finch, John the Baptist, and Ronald Reagan”. Let’s be clear though, Sarah isn’t partial to George or anything; much like newspapers and magazines, when it comes to founding fathers, she likes “all of ‘em”. Bill Maher gets a little harsher on this topic in the clip below. Enjoy, and Happy Presidents Day! Read the rest of this entry »

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