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10 Christmas Gifts To Pray Your Workplace Secret Santa Doesn’t Give You

Topics: Holidays | 1 CommentBy admin | November 28, 2010

This Cyber Monday, we’re exploring the REAL Island Of Misfit Toys: the strange and disturbing products in Amazon’s “Sexual Wellness” department.

Sure. The Pipedream Products Christmas Tree
harmless enough. Until you look
closer and realize Santa has a little secret.

Last year on Cyber Monday , we compiled a list of the weirdest things we could find on Amazon. This year, we thought we’d “push the poor taste envelope” a bit and instead of just rounding up the weirdest things we could find on Amazon, we thought we’d round up the weirdest things we could find on Amazon’s sexual wellness section. For the record, after spending an hour or so “researching”, we’re not so sure about the “wellness” part. So although we’ve spared you the more offensive items, if you’re the least bit prudish and are looking for gift ideas, we recommend maybe checking out Amazon’s regular Cyber Monday specials. But if you’ve never delved into this section of their site – it’s buried under “Health & Personal Care” and items don’t show up in normal searches – then join us for a brief excursion to the real Island of Misfit Toys. And pray that the creepy nerd three cubes over who visits our site isn’t your Secret Santa. For the most amusement, try guessing what the items are before reading the details. Sometimes a flashlight is just a flashlight. Sometimes it isn’t.

Sliquid Sqweel At first glance, you might think this is some kind of…um…dear lord. I dunno. A computer cooling fan? A “Think Pink” ice scraper? But no. It’s a Sliquid Sqweel Oral Sex Simulator. Knowing that, all I can think of when I see this image is a disgusting “luh luh luh” sound.
Tongue Stimulator Looking for all the world like a pacifier that was left on the dashboard of your car last summer, you may be disturbed to discover that this is in fact a Vibrating Turbo Suction Tongue Stimulator. Look. I don’t care if you use one of these, just promise me you won’t kiss grandma on Christmas with that perverted little mouth of yours.
Caesar Machine Looking for a new harpoon gun for your whaling vessel? Well, look somewhere else, because this is a Caesar 110 Volt Personal Pleasure Machine. I don’t know who would derive pleasure from this, but if this is their idea of pleasure, I’m sure a hundred ten volts will do the trick.
Stamina Training It’s just a flashlight, right? Please, just be a flashlight. Nope. It’s a Fleshlight Pink Lady Stamina Training Unit. We’ve done you the favor of displaying the less offensive image. This could be a useful “message” gift for the partner who tends to “jump to conclusions”.
Luna Balls It’s odd how Apple computer design seems to have influenced so many products. No, they’re not swimming goggles, it’s the Luna Balls Pleasure Bead System. I’m at a loss as to why they need any transparent parts, considering their likely destination.
FroliCat Form doesn’t always follow function, and this isn’t what you probably think. It’s the FroliCat Interactive Laser Pet Toy. Although I’m sure one could find other uses for it. It’s got a FRICKIN’ LASER in it.
Odor Grabber I know. You’re wondering why we included a high-tech coffee grinder in this round up. We’re not, we’re just continuing the pet theme for a second because I think the the Bionaire Odor Grabber Litter Box somehow fits. I mean, does the person who actually buys this think their cat wants to be an astronaut, or are they some kind of weird “cat scat” voyeur?
If you read about the item above, the natural reaction would be “Oh for Christ sake! Not a URINAL for pets!” No worries, it’s a Drinkwell Platinum Pet Fountain. Until they figure out how to package bottled water for cats, this will have to do.
Humane Restraint Locking Bed So, back to the origanal theme. In spite of the “Silence of the Lambs” vibe going on here, the Humane Restraint Locking Bed Wrist Restraint set could actually be quite a practical purchase for after the holidays, when the credit card bills start rolling in.
Beginners Speculum I feel confident in saying that no normal person – especially a woman – wants to see the words “vaginal”, “speculum”, and “beginner” all in the same sentence. Alas, we bring you the Vaginal Speculum Beginners Speculum Kit. The product description says it “takes playing doctor to a new level”. I think I’ll skip that level.
Little Willy Little Willy Condoms are another gift idea that could send a strong message. Look at poor little Willy pondering his little willy. So sad.

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  1. Posted by Get Your MojoWijo On With Ubisoft’s “We Dare” | dissociatedpress.com on 02.25.11 11:35 pm

    [...] a lot of gadgets into the lovemaking experience. Especially the kinds we’ve featured as scary holiday workplace gifts. I mean, if one puts their existing digits, limbs, and lips to good use, the possibilities are [...]