Would You Trust This Man For Spiritual Guidance?

You know that old rule about how you shouldn’t discuss religion, politics, or sex in polite company? Well thank God the Internet is hardly what you’d call polite company, or I wouldn’t have much to talk about. For awhile now, I’ve found myself a little irritated by some of the more rabid atheists in the public eye (at least one of whom seemingly can’t be mentioned without mentioning his excessive drinking). I’ve always been aware that one of the reasons for my joy in goading atheists into a debate was that if they truly held that the foundations of their belief were logic, their side of the argument was doomed at the outset. Agnosticism is one of the predictable results of applying reason to the topic of God, but to attempt to proclaim the absolute non-existence of something is absurd. Much like saying humans have never been to the moon simply because you haven’t. This idea gets summed up nicely in the compelling book Cosmos and Psyche in a few passages where the author points out that in the final attempt to remove all projected beliefs about the universe, one is ironically forced into what is perhaps the (more…)

Maintaining celibacy is probably easier for some people than for others.

Recently I was joking with a couple of friends about the age old question “How long do you have to go without sex before you’re a virgin again?” There was a consensus that women were more capable of being themselves without a man, so there was a significant gender imbalance. We agreed on something like about a year for men and maybe three years for women. We were kidding around of course; I had no idea people actually took the concept seriously. Although the poor soul who asked Yahoo Answers the question “Can u get virgin again??” was probably a little disheartened by the responses, apparently there are people out there who are serious about reclaiming their virginity through faith. Go ahead and laugh, but remember that (while science may dispute the claims) more than one world religion owes their entire history to the existence of a virgin who actually gave birth! So although it used to be true that virginity was the one thing you’d never find once you lost it, technology is changing all of that. For a mere USD 14.90 you can purchase an Artificial Hymen (for a more in-depth look at this topic see this piece on the surgical re-virgining business in China). There’s even software designed specifically to help you recover your long-lost purity. If, on the other hand you still have your virginity and are trying to get rid of it, there is again a gender imbalance. If you’re a man, this graph quickly sums up your dilemma. But if you’re a woman, your virginity might even help pay for college. And all this obsession with virginity finally makes clear to me why my otherwise hip friends were so happy to take their daughters to Jonas Brothers concerts…

We’ve talked about flowcharts here before. Although I’m a pretty organized person, I don’t actually find them useful for getting organized, but I do find them quite amusing. That’s why, when I dropped some lettuce on the floor as I was making a salad today, I realized I had to jump on the flow chart bandwagon and do one of my own. You see, I like simple rules, but the Three Second Rule for whether or not to eat food that’s been on the floor is just too simple. So here’s my flow chart assessing the problem. Think you might find a flow chart useful for a problem of your own, but you aren’t quite sure? Try the Flowchart Of Should You Make A Flowchart. Still not sure you’re getting the hang of it? Here’s A Guide To Understanding Flowcharts In Flowchart Form. And if you’re for some reason questioning the truth of the information I’m sharing, here are The Steps To Determine The Factual Content Of A Statement. You should be careful with this sort of self-referential analysis though, lest you become trapped in a Hasselhoffian Recursion.

Although I’m not too fond of either these days, in my sordid former life I always preferred recreational drugs to therapeutic ones. As something of an amateur drug expert as a result (thorough field work beats lab work any day!) I was always amused by the fact that the “legitimate” drug trade bombarded us with ads constantly while we were simultaneously told that other drugs are bad. Yes,  it seems there’s a legitimate drug for everything, and although lifestyle drugs are booming, the problem with a drug lifestyle is that it’s pretty hard to convey to a person who’s high that drugs are bad somehow. I think they’re finally getting the hang of it though. I might’ve been scared straight in my nightclubbing days if I’d seen this (slightly gory) ad at 4am, for instance. And although to this day I’d maintain that the worst thing about smoking weed is that you just sit around feeling like you’re doing something when you’re not, this ad might’ve brought me to that conclusion sooner. And it’s too bad the U.S. doesn’t have anything as hip as the U.K.’s Talk To Frank campaign, where you can meet Pablo, the Drug Mule Dog, Baggie, the talking cocaine bag, and Nostril, a rather unhappy orifice. Gotta go now, I just got an e-mail that says that on top of being overweight, anxious, and depressed, both my malfunctioning penis AND my breasts are too small…

Next time you go to the library, you may be able to check out something a little more interesting than the latest best-seller. I’m working on a non-profit concept based on cultural sharing and community action, so I was heartened to learn that in the U.K. a concept called Living Library has been enjoying some success. Curious about another culture? Don’t feel like reading a bunch of books to get a feel for it? Why not let someone come and tell you about it in person? Much cooler than renting a person or buying someone, the idea was first explored in Denmark in 2000 by the group Stop Volden (Stop the Violence). Most hatred has its basis in fear and ignorance, which often dissolves when people just meet and talk. My favorite personal experience with this was years ago when I introduced a homophobic redneck friend to a gay friend . As soon as the redneck friend realized the gay guy wasn’t going to spontaneously kiss him and grab his ass, he stopped feeling the nead to beat him up and they actually became drinking buddies. Living Library is working on pilot programs in the U.S.; maybe the concept will catch on. Along the same lines, people are even building mini-economies using the concept of community currency. Pretty cool. More on this topic soon, I think I’m late for my Socialists Anonymous meeting!

Please note: the following may be NSFB (Not Safe For Breakfast). As someone who has no tattoos, but has a fair number of decorative scars (some by design, some more “improvisational”) I find various kinds of body mods interesting. I find some people’s tattoos unfortunate, sort of like a bad haircut that will be with them for life, but I really admire some people’s body art, and especially find it interesting if it has a ritual meaning to the person. After all, we’re all still members of some big tribe when you get down to it. In spite of my open-mindedness, I found it a little distrubing to read that radiologists have helped identify a trend amongst teenagers that they’re calling self-embedding disorder. Although I feel I have a keen understanding of self-cutting and other forms of self-modification, I can’t quite get my mind around what feelings would lead to the behavior. And in the case of this body modding (Warning: rather gory images), I’m not sure the almost-surgical means justify the end (pictured). But I’m sure it beats a stick in the eye.

As you float along in a mild state of panic, slashing your food budget and wondering what will happen with your mortgage and your kids’ futures, have a heart and take a moment to think about the gold diggers and the men whose money they love, won’t you? It’s bad enough those poor Wall Street bankers are having to cut back on their mistresses, now their wives are turning on them too. Apparently, the heart-wrenching story in that last link could have been avoided by taking a cue from other cultures. See this how to beat your wife clip on YouTube (someone please verify the authenticity of the subtitles; that is downright creepy). Yes, divorces are on the rise on Wall Street. But don’t judge these people as materialistic and vain; according to Psychology Today, love has NEVER been a good reason to marry. Maybe these guys should have spent less time looking at their financial calculators and more time looking at their divorce calculators. As a male, things could be worse though. Just ask a Redback Spider.

Is this woman playing guitar or is she having an orgasm?

Orgasms. Who doesn’t love them? Although they’re easily mistaken for someone playing guitar, who knew the female orgasm might be essential to the survival of the human race? I have a few female friends who would say that’s a dumb question, but apparently it has puzzled scientists for some time (knowing that, imagine how their wives feel). One idea is that all that tensing and spasming we go through might be explained by Sperm Retention Theory. Which I think is going to have to be the name of my next band. In any case, as a bit of an orgasm addict myself, I’m perfectly content with the explanation that we seek them just because they feel good. I mean, what evolutionary purpose could chocolate serve, yet I’d choose it over most sexual partners in a second. But back to the female orgasm. Although I consider myself reasonably informed on the topic of heterosexual vaginal orgasm (or its scarcity), I feel there’s always room to learn more. Lickipedia.org wasn’t much help. Their article on the topic says “This article is a stub. You can help Lickipedia by expanding it.” Heh. In the end, although I learned all about designer vaginers and a mushroom that causes orgasms, I was forced to try the “Virtual Orgasm Simulator”. Ever wonder what it’s like for the opposite sex? Give it a try.

The American Cancer Society needs a new PR firm. I had already had two cigarettes before I realized today was The Great American Smokeout. Well, it’s too late now. I’ll have to try some other time. But what’s the hurry, when more doctors smoke Camels than any other cigarette? Yes, dentists and doctors alike agree that cigarettes are pretty swell. Besides, I haven’t figured out yet why they taste so good. My challenge to you: give me three good reasons I should go against the medical advice of my 1950’s doctor. And make them funny; pictures of black lungs and stuff don’t work. And for those of you who actually might care if I quit, here’s another challenge: Donate $1,000.00, and I’ll quit for at least one year. For smaller donations, I’ll smoke one less pack per week for every $50.00 donated. And I’ll quit forever if you get me a date with Isabella Rossellini, Elina Lowensown , or Nastassja Kinski.

If you’re so smart why ain’t you rich? Well first of all, maybe you’re not so smart. Here’s a quick I.Q. test (only 20 questions)  to help you figure that out. If you scored well on that test, that’s part of your answer. According to this article, intelligence has nothing to do with wealth. Which, to tell you the truth, is something I’ve sort of suspected all along. So on to the second part of that question: maybe you ARE rich. Check out the Penn State Living Wage Calculator to see how you stand. If you aren’t rich, and you are smart, then you should let go of the Meritocracy Myth . Now that you understand that hard work doesn’t pay, maybe you’d like to consider a life of crime. Don’t fret though, according to the Montana State Life Change Scale, changing to a different line of work only scores a 36. So let’s get started. The video clip featured here introduces the lowest form of crime, the Change Raising con. Those funny pieces of paper he uses to demonstrate are actual currency; they’re called “pounds”.  Just pretend he’s saying “dollars”. Which, last time I checked, is still a currency too. So yeah, ten bucks per scam is small potatoes, but I don’t think you’re ready for things like pirating entire oil tankers yet.