Parents, face it. If you cut off your good-for-nothing radical kid this Christmas, you’re only punishing CAPITALISM ITSELF.
How can Santa bring you presents,
if you don’t know what you want?
So, you did your best to raise your precious snowflakes to be eager little capitalists. You clothed and fed them for eighteen years, then you sent little Justin and Ashley off to the finest schools your burgeoning debt and education loans could buy. And how do they repay you? They major in political science or philosophy, start THINKING and stuff, and before you know it, they RUN OFF TO JOIN THE OCCUPATION. Well, don’t give up the fight. If you disown your precious snowflake NOW, you’re doing two things to help them win their silly war against the fear and consumption driven world we lovingly crafted for them. First, by cutting them off, you’re just encouraging them to embrace their anti-consumer follies even more, running the risk that they’ll discover that money isn’t everything. Yup. Crazy as it sounds, some people ENJOY a modest lifestyle, and this peasant-like “every day’s a gift” attitude can be contagious. Second, by not spending thousands of dollars on them this Christmas like you always do, the OCCUPATION HAS ALREADY WON. Your “punishment” only punishes CAPITALISM ITSELF. So as crazy as it seems, the best way to prevent your youngster from running off and becoming some kind of vagrant, park-dwelling commie is to HELP THEM DO IT. That’s why we’ve rounded up this list of Holiday Gift Ideas for Occupiers.
|If it’s good enough for Israel and NATO, it’s good enough for the Occupation. Although this won’t protect you from tasing, sonic assault tools, or your basic beatdown with a riot stick, it should provide relief from the stench of the camp itself.|
|We recommend a two-person tent. You might save a few bucks on a single, but then you’ll be sleeping alone, just like you were before you left your folks’ basement to join the occupation. Anything larger, and you’ll risk having to share. Yuck.|
|Must there be a guide for EVERYTHING? These days, yes. It’s one of the perils of having created the over-educated, entitled middle class that got us into this mess in the first place.|
|What could be more fun in the Occupy tent than some Little Hotties? Look, we know there’s more going on in there late at night than Marxist reading groups, but when your radical hippy lovefest abruptly ends in some stupid undergrad poli-sci debate, who’s gonna keep you warm? Little Hotties. That’s who.|
|Yup. You’re gonna need something to fill the time at the camp, and when you’re stoned out of your mind in a tent 24/7, what could be more appropriate than an Occupy Coloring Book? Crayons not included.|
|Never mind that when an occupier buys the V for Vendetta mask, they’re supporting the evil corporate empire they oppose. It freakin’ LOOKS COOL. Especially if you cough up a few more bucks for the cape and the hat. Oh. And throwing knives. See below.|
|This doesn’t seem like the sort of thing a liberal peacenik would need for their Occupy Wall St activities, but this is in fact a vital component of the “V for Vendetta” outfit above. Plus, it’ll probably help you get arrested, which is the whole idea of occupying, right?|
|Okay, this isn’t The Congo, and we’re not shooting the movie Blood Diamond, so maybe this is overkill. They just had it listed in the “people who bought Ninja Knives also bought” recommendations, and having a machete is badass. And sounds so much more acceptable when you call it a “Parang“|
|My grandma always said “don’t be startin’ no fire and then puttin’ it out”. Of course she said this as she nudged the bottom of the bourbon bottle if I stopped pouring too soon, but the fact is that although you WANT to fan the flames of revolution, you don’t want to do it right inside your tent.|
Pyle-Pro PMP30 Professional Megaphone/Bullhorn with Siren
|If you had one of these IF YOU HAD ONE OF THESE you wouldn’t have YOU WOULDN’T HAVE to speak in short phrases TO SPEAK IN SHORT PHRASES using that human mic thing USING THAT HUMAN MIC THING. Also ALSO it would take half as long IT WOULD TAKE HALF AS LONG to say everything TO SAY EVERYTHING.|
|We’re not sure these serve any purpose other than making you look cool when you’re standing face to face with a cop in riot gear. I mean, if they want to pepper spray you in the eyes or something, they’ll just tase you or bop you with a riot club first to knock these off.|
|The year 2011 will probably be most remembered for pepper spray, thanks to the NYPD, UC Davis, and that crazy lady at Walmart. Join the fun with your OWN pepper spray arsenal. And it’s even “police grade”, whatever THAT means. Now available in Mild, Medium, Hot, and Cool Ranch.|
|No popular revolt is complete without Balaclavas. Although generally appropriate attire for fascist police forces violating the privacy of average citizens as they throw America’s search and seizure laws out the window, they look just as stylish at the Occupy camp. Not to be confused with the Greek pastry that Greek austerity has made a rare treat in Greece itself.|
|Sooner or later, the US government is bound to resort to DOMESTIC false flag operations, and do something like planting a dirty bomb at an Occupy camp. Be prepared with some Potassium Iodate Anti-Radiation Pills.|
|No batteries? NO PROBLEM. Power that Bose sound system and iPod dock that was manufactured with the bleeding fingers of Asian children with this slim briefcase-shaped solar unit. Inspector Gadget trenchcoat not included.|
|A note to parents: sure, Ayn Rand died penniless and collecting government benefits under another name, but that makes this book no less valuable as one of the most effective propaganda pieces in your capitalist arsenal. Plus, they can burn it to keep warm if they like.|
|These are handy when the batteries run out and no-one feels like climbing on the bicycle generator to shed some light on things. And while it comes across as a caring gift, promoting safe sex, admit it. The last thing a capitalist parent wants is for these Occupiers to START BREEDING.|