Historically, Christmas has been a time for dreams and imagination, the excitement of toys under the tree, and for kids to escape the humdrum of winter with the magic of the holidays. But if you’ve been following the news lately, it’s hard not to get a sense that we’re on the edge of both world war three and global economic collapse. And while our leaders reassure us that random cavity searches and bank bailouts are only for our safety and well-being, we know that they know that everything’s about to fall apart and they’re just carving out their safety and well-being so they don’t end up on the wrong end of the stick in the totalitarian police state that is America’s future. Meanwhile, sexual and moral attitudes have never been more polarized; while the equal rights movement made some inroads, many are longing for a return to traditional male/female roles, while at the same time others are encouraging their kids to “out” themselves as early as pre-school. So this Christmas, maybe it’s time to think about buying your children toys that prepare them for their dystopian future, rather than helping them escape the confusing present. Below we’ve rounded up some toys that will help get your children ready for the catastrophes ahead, and whether you’re liberal or conservative, you’ll be surprised at how well some of these toys will work for either partisan agenda.

	In spite of all the likely sniper fire, air raids, and acid rain that may lie in our future, the Fisher-Price Smart Fit Park can help your child re-live the joys of days gone by, when children actually played outside. Or alternately, that when their Dickensian, slave-driving boss says “jump“, the correct response is “how high?”
	The Fisher-Price Smart Cycle Racer Physical Learning Arcade System is great training for the only form of transport your child will probably be able to afford when they grow up, as well as the kind of job they’re likely to be able to secure, i.e.: bicycle messenger.
	The only thing “extreme” about the Fisher-Price Smart Cycle Extreme is that the kid in this picture seems extremely intelligent compared to the mouth-breather above. He is, for instance, actually pointed in the direction of the road on the screen. In a touch of irony, when you view the larger image you’ll note that the kid is transporting coal.
	Help your kids understand the importance of martial law and why the abolition of Posse Comitatus is good for them with the Ultimate Kids Toy Army Combat Set. Whether putting down insurgents at home or abroad your child will learn early not to get all teary-eyed remembering the 4th Amendment. Police? Army? What’s the diff, right?
	We actually included the Nerf N-Strike Maverick for the benefit of adults. The next time you have the urge to “stalk from office to office with an Armalite AR-10 carbine gas-powered semi-automatic weapon, pumping round after round into colleagues and co-workers“, use a nerf gun instead. You may still get fired, but you’ll feel a lot better, and lives will be spared.
	Having spent the last couple of decades teaching our kids the virtues of pacifism, maybe it’s time to wake up and smell the smelling salt and teach them that turning the other cheek just means you get punched TWICE. The Schylling Punching Bag & Glove Set is a great toy for activating the violence and aggression that is a natural component of the human survival instinct. “Kapow” is more than an onomatopoeia, you know.
	The Smart Snacks Piece-A-Pizza Fractions game will prepare your child for their dystopian future in several ways. First, working computers will be hard to come by, so fractions are bound to make a comeback. Plus, plastic pizza slices prepare them both for the synthetic foods they’ll be forced to eat, as well as teaching them how to fairly divide the meager portions that will be available.
	One of the first things you’ll notice about the Barbie B-Smart Laptop is that it’s PINK. Which makes this is a versatile gift idea; you can either give it to a girl to reinforce your archaic gender stereotypes, or a boy, to prove how much you love your son even though you’re secretly devastated that he’s probably gay. Bonus: We <3 that ur kid will b smrt cuz its cld “b-smart”
	In these competitive times when foreigners are taking the all the top college placements AND the service jobs no-one wants, the Ingenio My First Bilingual Laptop makes the perfect gift for the middle class white American child. One major shortcoming: they really should have included Mandarin if your child wants to understand what the boss is yelling at them.
	The La Newborn First Yawn Real Boy is not only terrifying to behold, it will prepare your child for the Uncanny Valley service bots that will hold all the jobs that your child won’t. Also great for practicing the yawns that their meaningless, ennui-inflected life will inspire.
	If you’re a rich liberal, the Melissa and Doug Construction Worker Role Play Set can help you kid yourself that you’re teaching your daughter that it’s okay to pursue a trade, even one that’s typical a “man’s job”. In reality, this is a great toy for teaching your kid to accept that this is about as far up the social/income ladder they’re likely to climb.
	We shouldn’t be as disturbed as we are by Mattel’s choice of word order when naming the Barbie Shaving Fun Ken Doll, but oh well. What a great toy for instilling your son with a healthy dose of metrosexuality!
	We’re mostly going to let the Barbie Cutie Ken 2010 speak for himself, except to point out that the product description says “100+ Positions”. We imagine 97 of those are “bending over”.
	Why let Al Quaeda’s kids have all the fun? In the turbulent days ahead, bomb making will be a crucial skill for any youngster. Give yours a leg up with The Dangerous Book for Boys Classic Chemistry Science Kit, which – if it lives up to its name – will help your child blow up the rec room like we did when we were kids.
	If your boy has expressed an interest in the outdoors and camping, but asks “but mommy, where will I plug in my blow dryer?”, the Barbie Pink Glamour Camper may be just the ticket.