As if there are boyfriends that will.
We’ve already covered expensive Christmas gifts, forward-thinking inexpensive Christmas gifts, and gifts you’ll pray you don’t get from the weird guy at the office, but each Christmas something that astounds me is how so many women seem perplexed as to what to buy their man. I think the problem all starts with the terminology. You like to THINK you’re dating a man, but if you’ll take off the love goggles for a moment, and think about how he actually behaves, rather than how you’d like him to behave, you’ll quickly realize that there’s a reason that there are sayings like “Few women admit their age, fewer men act it.” It all becomes quite simple when you accept the fact that you’re really shopping for a little boy. If you don’t understand this, you’ll have to talk to his mom, or if you want to get all cerebral about it, read Puer Aeternus by Marie-Luise von Franz. But there’s no need for all that, I’m here, and failing to grow up is kind of a specialty of mine. Although one thing I don’t get is the video game fixation so many guys have – the closest thing to a video game I’ve ever been obsessed with is Snowcraft or Stack The Cats – but otherwise, I get this, and have rounded up some suggestions below. But the rules are quite simple. If it goes vroom, flies, blows up, has boobs, or involves beer, you’re safe. The only question then becomes: do you want the gift to make him be around more, or go away? For instance, if you want him to go away, buy him tickets to a NASCAR race or coupons for a local beer joint. If you want him to stay around, buy him a radio-controlled NASCAR racer, or a home brew kit. See how easy this is?
|The Parrot AR.Drone Quadricopter costs 300 bucks and is controlled by an iPhone, iPod touch, or iPad, which may necessitate spending another 300 bucks, but I personally would trade my firstborn for this. Which is one of many reasons it’s probably a good thing I didn’t grow up and have children.|
|Not many boyfriends are worth 600 or more bucks plus shipping, and even I would probably be just as happy with a Air Hogs Hawk Eye. It’s all about the camera. If only this thing had FRICKIN’ LASERS.|
|Sure, at six bucks, the Sexy Coupons for Him could be a fun gift, and he’d probably love it, but this is six bucks with some potentially insurmountable recurring costs.|
|Beer. Need I say more? The Coopers Brewery Micro-Brew Beer Kit is one way to keep the average male happy without actually sitting at a sports bar. One possible drawback is that he may end up smelling funnier than he already does because of all the live cultures involved.|
|I have no idea why the Portopong Inflatable Beer Pong Table needs to be inflatable. For that matter I don’t understand why people play beer pong. But I’m sure it all makes sense when you’re hopped up on high-octane homemade beer.|
|I forgot to mention that aside from things that blow up or go vroom, men love anything involving poop, farts, or humping. Besides, who in their right mind wouldn’t enjoy getting a USB Humping Dog in their Chrsitmas stocking?|
|The symbology here is so obvious here I won’t bore us all by exploring it. And although the Estes 1491 Taser Launch Set flies and goes vroom, it makes no mention of blowing up. Unfortunately, fireworks are illegal in most states, so you’ll just have to create some with that coupon book.|
|We featured this in a previous roundup of Christmas gifts, but this time we selected the Nerf N-Strike Maverick because it fulfills the “shooting something” requirement while inflicting minimal damage, with the added benefit that it looks cheap enough that it should break by New Years.|
|The Electric Shocking Liar Game doesn’t seem to me to require any explanation, but one fun question to ask an average American male between 18 and 60 would be “do you have any porn on your computer?”|
|I have no idea what the “Kinect Bundle” part of the name “Microsoft Xbox 360 Kinect Bundle” refers to, but this and the item below are capable of fulfilling all of the vrooming, blowing up, shooting and boobs requirements in one shot.|
|I have little to say about the Sony PlayStation 3, except that thanks to its more stylish design, it will look a lot less dorky on the shelf of your entertainment center than the XBox.|