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Valentine’s Day: Love Me, Love My Dog

[ Comments Off ]Posted on February 10, 2010 by admin in Holidays

Wednesday, February 10th, 2010

Saying “I love you” is just another way of saying “Gitcher ass in that kitchen an’ fry me a egg, woman”


Make your own candy heart
over at Demotivators.com

Given the potential stress and expense of Valentine’s Day and today’s science-based eHarmony approach to love, perhaps you won’t find it surprising that rather than lavish chocolates and roses on a lover, millions of people choose instead to show their love for themselves or their dog. And it seems that otherwise, two of the biggest beneficiaries of V-Day love are condom makers and flower shops. According to this article, sales of both spike in February, with roses enjoying a really special boost. Buy on the 15th, and the price drops from $109 to $59. But of the $17 billion dollars spent this Valentine’s day, $10.7 billion will be spent on greeting cards. Breaking this down by gender sort of explains the social networking pattern of men following women on line; of all these billions being spent, men will outspend women almost two to one: $163.37 to $84.72. With the average person spending $119.67. I bet you’re wondering when your partner is gonna even out the averages, right? So anyway, given this focus on self and commerce for Valentine’s day, we’re continuing our tradition of opportunistic holiday Amazon product linking. If you really love us, consider buying something via those links once in awhile!  So, we’ve already covered the most amusing Valentine gifts we could find, but at the end were left with a little question: who the HELL ever thought of giving kitchenware as a VALENTINE gift? Yes, nothing says “Gitcher ass in that kitchen an’ fry me a egg, woman” like a Tovolo Heart Shaped Spatula, or Valentine Themed Apron. If this is how your man shows his love, maybe you need a Grow Your Own Boyfriend kit. He’ll look nice alongside your Love Stinks Bearington Bear. Read the rest of this entry »

Valentines Day & Love Is Like Christmas At The Mall & Jesus

[ Comments Off ]Posted on February 1, 2010 by admin in Holidays

Monday, February 1st, 2010

Valentine’s Day is more than a Hallmark holiday, it’s a time of fear, hope, rejection, and opportunistic product links.


Let your man know how you feel, with
a Power Gauge Erectile Quality Monitor

I’m glad I’m not a romantic Chinese Catholic guy who lives in New Orleans; this February would be a rough month with Chinese New Year, Valentine’s Day, Mardi Gras, and Ash Wednesday all falling in the same week. Yes, after the almost holiday-free month of January, the holidays dig back in with a vengeance in February. As always, there are opportunistically scheduled health awareness programs with no clever marketing plans, like American Heart Month, which is presumably scheduled to coincide somehow with Valentine’s Day. Or Sinus Pain Awareness Month, which is scheduled to coincide with… oh. Never mind. As someone who occasionally experiences sinus pain, I just want to say I’d prefer not to have a whole month to make me aware of it. For most of us though, February means Valentine’s Day, and for people like me, Valentine’s Day means lots of opportunities to insert offbeat product links into cynical articles about the holiday. Don’t get me wrong, I’m actually quite a romantic. But the big VD seems to bring the same vibe to love that Christmas at the mall brings to Jesus. If you’ve ever waited tables, you’ve been on the front lines of the battlefield of love, and know what I mean. When you wait tables on Valentine’s Day, you get to see the penultimate expression of what the holiday is really all about: people who usually live in their jeans and hoodies wearing rented tuxes and recently-purchased dresses they barely fit into, people whose idea of a three course meal is supersizing at the drive-thru suddenly trying to figure out that extra fork, and the sickening tension of a room full of first dates and soon to be accepted or rejected marriage proposals. I can’t tell you how many times I called a cab for a sobbing woman who had just said “no” to her suitor. So yes, rest assured we’ll be back throughout the month with more thoughts on Valentine gift ideas. Because nothing says “I love you” like a Power Gauge Erectile Quality Monitor or some edible candy underthings.

Valentine’s Day 2009: Don’t Have A Black Saturday

[ Comments Off ]Posted on February 13, 2009 by admin in Holidays

Friday, February 13th, 2009

Take control of your love life

If you haven’t finished your Valentine shopping by now, you may have a Black Saturday hot on the heels of your Black Friday. We’ve already offered up some Valentine Day suggestions here and here , but we have just a couple more thoughts. First of all, if you’re a woman, you might consider helping your man buy the gifts you want with a Control Your Man Talking Remote. On the other side of the gender fence, you could make her not want anything with a Control Your Woman Talking Remote. I can’t tell you how many couples I know that would love a set of these. On a more serious note, get political by wearing pink undies to support the Consortium of Pub-going, Loose and Forward Women.They even have a Facebook group.

Valentine’s Day 2009: Is That Love Gun Loaded?

[ 1 Comment ]Posted on February 3, 2009 by admin in Holidays

Tuesday, February 3rd, 2009

Nothing says “I Love You” Like $40,000


$40,000 Of Pure Love

Thinking of getting your partner a diamond for Valentine’s Day? Well, as they say Nothing Says ‘I love you’ Like a Superficial and Overvalued Rock Clawed From the Guts of The Earth by African Slave Labor. And on that note, nothing says “Disposable Income” like a Blancpain Womens Ultra-slim Valentine’s edition watch. Only $40,800 USD. A bit steep for your budget? Do V-Day on the cheap with a Blancpain Camelia for a mere 7 grand. If your true love is a little less materialistic, breakfast in bed is always a nice touch. Although on the surface it seems a little corny, who wouldn’t love some heart-shaped eggs and toast that says I love you first thing in the morning. After you’ve fed your precious valentine, start a morning romp by playing cupid with your love gun, or stuffing some heart-shaped ice cubes in their jammies. For reasons beyond my control, I probably won’t be romancing anyone this Valentine’s Day, but you can show the love with a comment. Especially if you have any amusing Valentine thoughts or gift ideas. [Update: It’s been pointed out to me that this is the 2009 Valentine’s Day version. I’m not a Blancpain expert so I’ll take their word for it.]

How Did Durex Build Their Customer Base?

[ Comments Off ]Posted on January 17, 2009 by admin in Popular Media

Saturday, January 17th, 2009

They Condomed Into It?

They um, condomed into it? You may have already seen the cute Durex Condom Get It On ad featured here, but like any popular video or film production, it’s always fun to watch the extras and out-takes. Here are the “behind the condom” clips, part one, part two, and part three. Valentine’s Day is traditionally a time to ramp up condom promotion (last year we had National Condom Week, with, for example, the NYC government getting into it with considerable enthusiasm), so with VD just around the corner, we thought we’d share some classics with you. You’ve probably seen the award-winning I want those sweeties clip. A good reason to remember to use one. This Dutch ad highlights the fact that you don’t even need to speak the same language to say “put a sock on it”. Durex seems to produce the most clever ads, like the one that shows a possible bad side effect of chocolate flavored condoms, or the surprisingly broad demographic for fruit-flavored ones. Durex sells sex toys too, so they also have some tips regarding cucumber sandwiches and letting grandma answer the phone. And lastly , this Trust Condoms ad from Africa shows you how not to get left out in the rain.

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