Politics
« Older Entries | Newer Entries »The Donner Party – When You’re Hungry For Change But All Hope Is Lost
[ 4 Comments ]Posted on October 19, 2010 by admin in Politics
Tuesday, October 19th, 2010In the vast and brutal wasteland of contemporary American politics, sometimes there’s only one way to survive.
The massive expanse left between the extreme poles of America’s rabidly partisan politics these days leaves the voter in a vast unexplored frontier, where strange and frightening things can happen. Democrats have finally elected a genius IQ black president, and in their infinite and over-intellectualized whininess are still unhappy. Republicans had eight years of exactly what they wanted, the rootenest, tootenest, pro-war, pro-business, pro-rich cowboy the world could dream of, and they’re unhappy, fleeing in droves to the imagined solace of the nebulous and disparate solutions proposed by that bizarre collage of projected voter frustration called the “Tea Party”. Personally, I’m not falling for it; that’s why I’ve proposed innovative solutions like the Punk Party, the Facebook-based I Only Like You So I Can Hate You approach , and the Palin/Quayle 2012 campaign. But in today’s ruthless, winner take all political environment, there’s really only one thing left. Cannibalism. Although the Hannibal Lecters of the GOP will deny it flat out, the Grand Ole Party has a long-standing tradition of eating their young, and in their brilliantly honed campaign savvy, they’ve realized that when the American voter is this hungry for change, they’ll eat anything. That’s why they’re willing to throw them a questionable piece of meat like Christine O’Donnell. Anything to keep the party alive, right? Which is what inspired our latest idea for an alternative political party, The Donner Party. We’re still working up some graphics, but stay tuned for an expanded store, right now we only have an overpriced Palyn/Quail bumper sticker on CafePress. Read the rest of this entry »
Is Stephen Colbert A Time Traveling Nazi Vampire?
[ 5 Comments ]Posted on September 19, 2010 by admin in Politics
Sunday, September 19th, 2010Beware, liberal intellectual America. You may THINK you’re being entertained by clever satire, but you’re about to be duped by one of the most elaborate Nazi/Communist/Vampire cons in history.
Is nothing sacred any more? Before the teabags on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial had even had a chance to cool, that dastardly, time traveling, Nazi vampire Stephen Colbert launched his plan to desecrate the sacred location of the Martin Luther King “I Have A Dream” speech of 1963 Glenn Beck Restoring Honor March of 2010. But wait. How do we know Colbert is a Nazi? Well, the reasoning is simple. Everyone who is not Glenn Beck is a Nazi. Stephen Colbert is not Glenn Beck. Therefore, Stephen Colbert MUST BE A NAZI. Which is where it gets interesting. Because you may have noticed that Glenn Beck has never called Colbert a Nazi. That’s because he IS a Nazi, and Glenn Beck only calls things that aren’t Nazis, Nazi. Which is the genius of the whole plan, because Glenn Beck is in fact – in spite of his brilliant portrayal of himself as an angry, megalomaniacal, Nazi-hating dry drunk and a Mormon – a Nazi himself! Or at least a homosexual Nazi blood elf, anyway. Beck’s “Restoring Honor” march was just part of Colbert’s labyrinthine master plan to fool the few remaining disgruntled Americans who have not joined the tea party movement (i.e., those with an IQ over 83) into joining his movement, the Nazi Vampire Movement. Employing the witty, charming, and Jewish Jon Stewart as his supposed nemesis is just another part of his ingenious plan. As Colbert has said himself, Stewart’s platform of restoring reason is just one letter away from restoring treason. Aside from the obvious conclusion to be reached from the facts above, we also have photographic evidence. See the photo below (submitted by an anonymous tipster) of Colbert, fangs extended, and laughing in his SS uniform. Plus, there’s the simple fact that Colbert has yet to deny the allegation that he is a TIME TRAVELING NAZI VAMPIRE. Beware, snobbishly intellectual anti-tea party America, you about to facilitate the socialist, communist, vampire takeover of your country. Read the rest of this entry »
An Email To Glenn Beck Of Fox News – glennbeck@foxnews.com
[ 12 Comments ]Posted on September 13, 2010 by admin in Politics
Monday, September 13th, 2010There are a couple of email addresses for Glenn Beck – me@glennbeck.com or glennbeck@foxnews.com. I’ll start with Fox News because I haven’t listened to his radio show. I wonder if I’ll get a free coffee mug?
 Is Glenn Beck a Nazi? I’ll ask him in the next e-mail. |
I explained recently why I was going to stop voting and start “liking”, form the Punk Party, and support the Palin/Quayle campaign in 2012. One might think I’m simply resorting to the absurd for comic effect, but to be honest, once we reach the point where serious news sources are talking about Glenn Beck and Sarah Palin as running mates in 2012, I’m not even sure where the satire ends and the politics begin. And apparently I was guilty of contributing to this sort of confusion myself recently, when I demanded that they remove the Nascar track from the Oklahoma City bombing site, and a commenter astutely observed that I’d never been to Oklahoma City, or I’d know there’s no Nascar track at the site of the bombing. Yes, I think I’ve found my new calling. So on top of joining Sarah Palin and Ben Quayle’s Facebook groups, in my continued evolution into a 21st century Dick Tuck, I’m going to join Glenn Beck’s group too, and start corresponding with every teabag-baiting media figure and politician I can think of. First up? Glenn Beck, via Fox News. The e-mail is below. Can’t wait for a reply! Read the rest of this entry »
I’d Come To Your Parties But Your Parties Suck
[ 3 Comments ]Posted on August 31, 2010 by admin in Politics
Tuesday, August 31st, 2010Democrats, Republicans…who can tell them apart these days? That’s why I’ve decided to throw my own little party. The Punk Party. Help me with some bumper sticker ideas for the party you’re not invited to.
I was pretty excited about the 2000 presidential election. Which was quite a turnaround from 1980, when I was protesting the reinstatement of draft registration, and 1984 and 1988, when I didn’t even vote. I reluctantly voted for that horndog con man Clinton in ’92, but only because I was tired of having a warmongering former CIA director as president. And you can’t deny the 90′s were pretty okay in a lot of ways. In 2000, I was bummed that we were stuck with that stick-up-his-ass twit Al Gore as the democratic candidate, but I voted for the jerk anyway, because it was better than helping build the Bush oligarchy or wasting a vote on somebody like Nader. And then democracy was hijacked. The numbers are the numbers, and a court decided the election, not the voters. And anybody who denies that is, well, in denial. So of course, with the meat puppet GW Bush dancing on the strings of the militaristic New American Century neocons, before you knew it we’d been attacked by terrorists again, and had started two wars. I still find it interesting that half of America is out for Muslim blood for 9/11. I mean, why didn’t everybody develop an irrational fear and murderous hatred of rednecks from New York and Michigan after Oklahoma City? So 2004 rolls around, and America’s still in a state of fear and panic, mostly thanks to the neocons fueling it, and then we have another election hijacked. Even Chris Hitchens thought so. To me, the only thing more appalling than the brazenness of THAT little stunt was the fact that there weren’t riots the day after election day. So we endure four more years of paranoia, some failing wars, and a decimated economy, and then the weirdest thing in the world happens. America elects a black president. L~a~a~a~a~a [INSERT ANGELIC CHOIR SOUND]. Hallelujah. The world is born anew. Our savior has arrived! But wait… it turns out he’s the same-old-same-old rich guy in Washington, he just has a higher IQ than the last guy. Oh, wait. Hold on. What’s this? Fox has some breaking news. What? He’s a Muslim? He has no BIRTH CERTIFICATE? He’s a GODDAMN SOCIALIST hell bent on DESTROYING AMERICA? Shit. I bet he’s gay too. I have to confess that the only thing that creeps me out more than a politician these days is the people that vote for them. And by that I mean the average American voter. Never have so many had so much information available….and IGNORED it. In my opinion, Public Enemy Number One is Rupert Murdoch, with the citizens who hungrily devour his news machine’s crumbs of disinformation like they’re Big Macs or something running a tight second. I’m sorry, you don’t know who Rupert Murdoch is? He’s a foreigner. An Australian with a socialist background. And the owner of most of the biggest news sources in America. So. With almost every moderately intelligent person I know taking sides in the “Glenn Beck vs Keith Olbermann Sentiment Election of 2010″, I’ve finally given up. I’m forming my own party, and I don’t care if you join me. I wouldn’t mind some thoughts on taglines and graphics though, so feel free to share any ideas you have for the party no-one is invited to, the Punk Party. Read the rest of this entry »
Palin-Quayle 2012: Everybody’s GOP Dream Ticket
[ Comments Off ]Posted on August 25, 2010 by admin in Politics
Wednesday, August 25th, 2010There’s no refudiating that folks on both sides of the aisle feel a Palin-Quayle GOP ticket in 2012 would be a dream come true. Buy a bumper sticker and help us dream up more slogans.
 Get the insanely overpriced bumper sticker while supplies last |
One thing we can all probably agree on is that Washington could use some fresh blood. That’s why we’re so excited about the new GOP superstar Ben Quayle’s recent win in the Arizona congressional primaries. We think the brilliant 33 year old was spot-on with his observation that aging Washington insider Barack Obama is the worst president in history, a fact that so-called “scholars” absurdly try to refudiate. We think Ben’s platform based on “that guy’s the WORST” and “I’m gonna knock the hell out of Washington” is exactly what America needs, and that his recent victory points in only one direction: The White House. In spite of our confidence that when he’s old enough, he’ll be prepared to be the leader of the free world, the sad fact is that in 2012, he won’t be. Old enough, that is. Which is why the obvious choice to head the ticket is the seasoned political hand of Sarah Palin. We think citizens and legislators on both sides of the aisle agree that this is an absolute dream ticket for the GOP in 2012. Frankly, the only problem with the GOP ticket in 2008 was that John was too old, and everyone’s fantasy was for Sarah to be on top. To show our support for the 2012 GOP dream we can all believe in, we’ll be rolling out a line of promotional items, but for now all we have is a bumper sticker . Which at the insane price of six bucks even WE can’t afford. But grab these limited edition Cafe Press items while you can, because we’ll be looking for a service that gives us a wholesale price that isn’t 300% of normal retail, and then these items will be collectibles. Feel free to share any clever slogans of your own; we won’t share the profits of course, but you’ll have the personal satisfaction of helping bring this country the leadership it desperately needs. Read the rest of this entry »