There are a couple of email addresses for Glenn Beck – email@example.com or firstname.lastname@example.org. I’ll start with Fox News because I haven’t listened to his radio show. I wonder if I’ll get a free coffee mug?
Is Glenn Beck a Nazi? I’ll ask
him in the next e-mail.
I explained recently why I was going to stop voting and start “liking”, form the Punk Party, and support the Palin/Quayle campaign in 2012. One might think I’m simply resorting to the absurd for comic effect, but to be honest, once we reach the point where serious news sources are talking about Glenn Beck and Sarah Palin as running mates in 2012, I’m not even sure where the satire ends and the politics begin. And apparently I was guilty of contributing to this sort of confusion myself recently, when I demanded that they remove the Nascar track from the Oklahoma City bombing site, and a commenter astutely observed that I’d never been to Oklahoma City, or I’d know there’s no Nascar track at the site of the bombing. Yes, I think I’ve found my new calling. So on top of joining Sarah Palin and Ben Quayle’s Facebook groups, in my continued evolution into a 21st century Dick Tuck, I’m going to join Glenn Beck’s group too, and start corresponding with every teabag-baiting media figure and politician I can think of. First up? Glenn Beck, via Fox News. The e-mail is below. Can’t wait for a reply!
From: Ian Gray
Subject: Advice & Inspiration As A New Fan
Date: Mon, 12 Sep 2010
Dear Glenn -
I want first of all to compliment you on the success you’ve achieved with your amazing media market saturation. I intentionally stopped watching broadcast and cable television in 2003, especially cable news. I also don’t listen to the radio, so trust me. If your product has reached me, you have achieved incredible market saturation. I myself have dreams of being a writer, public speaker, and media figure, so I’m reaching out to you for some pointers. I’ve been practicing that simpering, pleading hurt little boy voice you use to convey vulnerability, and I’m not above opportunistic, morally superior grandstanding. Which I might criticize you for if you weren’t making over $23 million a year doing it. Whatever moves units and captures more audience, right? So what I’m struggling with is the teary-eyed thing. I’ve seen you do it really well a couple of times in video clips. The only other time I’ve seen anyone do it with such genuineness was when a friend dragged me to a recruitment “opportunity” for a health product that was being launched via a network marketing plan. The presenter was the VP of sales for the entire company (he’s a pro, the product is backed by Guthy-Renker), and when he reached that tearjerker moment, there wasn’t a dry eye in the house. Except mine, ’cause I was so intent on trying to figure out how he did it. Is it genuine acting? I cried while speaking at my mother’s funeral a few weeks ago, but that was easy. In fact, too easy. In fact, I really didn’t mean to at all. So how do you do it Glenn? Were you in sales at some point? I’d love to know your secret. I’ll now be watching at least your show on Fox avidly for more pointers. You’re a genius.
And you know what else would be inspiring? A Glenn Beck coffee cup. Then I could sip Joe while I watch Glenn. I quit drinking a few years ago and my life’s been better in a million ways, and though I think I need to chill out a bit on the java, I’m not ready to give THAT up just yet. I know it’s absurd to request a free mug, but as a new fan it’s worth a shot, right? If you’re inclined to do so, please send it to:
Best of luck with your ventures.