Holidays
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[ 1 Comment ]Posted on November 26, 2009 by admin in Holidays
Thursday, November 26th, 2009Let’s take a moment to think about the 45 million turkeys that gave their life in the war against our hunger today. And after doing so, commence to shootin’ ‘em again.
We shared some more somber Thanksgiving thoughts here today, but if you were looking for somber, you’d be reading the emo blog whimperings over at xanga.com, right? We know you really just want something to kill the time while you do your best to appear mentally and emotionally present at your family dysfunctions for today, so we’ve rounded up some flash games you can play while you pretend you’re just checking text messages or whatever. We’ve observed before that there’s an odd tendency for Flash games to focus on doing cruel things to helpless animals, and Thanksgiving is no exception. First up, and probably least cruel, we have Turkey Fling, in which – you guessed it – you fling a turkey. Probably not as gratifying as Santa Toss, but there’ll be plenty of time for that in December. A little higher on the cruel curve we have Turkey To Go. If your bald turkey doesn’t collect feathers fast enough, he’s totally forked. And of course, no themed game roundup is complete without a first person shooter, so we have the aptly named Turkey Shoot. Careful though, they do. And if you’re an elficidal vegetarian who loves rave music but hates Christmas, you’ll love Xtreem Xmas Turkey. As a headless turkey armed with a medieval halberd, you slaughter angry elves, before they slaughter you. And if you’re such a Flash game-obsessed twit that you even get your cooking tips from Flash interactives, we have Cook A Turkey. So have fun, kiss grandma for us, and have a great Thanksgiving. Whatever you’re doing, you’re probably having more fun than the estimated 45 million turkeys being devoured across America today!
November Holidays: Not EVERYBODY Celebrates The Pilgrims’ Survival
[ Comments Off ]Posted on November 20, 2009 by admin in Holidays
Friday, November 20th, 2009Why we didn’t tell you about William Tell Day, say hello to World Hello Day, and gathering around the Thanksgiving Bush to give thanks for Dickens being relevant again.
  The Press Gobbled Up George’sTurkey Stunt, Now You Can Too, For Just $39.99! |
There are still a couple of holidays worthy of note before you throw that Bacon Turgooduccochiqua in the oven next week. We intentionally didn’t tell you about William Tell Day on the 18th, because November is Child Safety Month (alas, the British do this much better than we do), and we didn’t want to give you any ideas. To clarify the potential horrors of emulating William Tell’s behavior, just remember what happened with William Burroughs’ wife, or try this rather ghastly Flash game. But what we do want you to know about are two November holidays that seem to have their heart in the right place, and have a brief enough history that Hallmark hasn’t ruined them yet. On the 20th, we have Universal Children’s Day, a UN-chartered holiday intended to foster worldwide fraternity and understanding between children. On the 21st, say hello to World Hello Day by saying hello to ten people, which demonstrates the importance of personal communication for preserving peace. A cool concept, and easy to execute. With Thanksgiving on the 25th, the “real” holiday season of course begins in earnest. Thanksgiving means that for one day, we as Americans can express thanks that we can eat more food than any five other world citizens combined. And the next day, we can go shopping for things for people we don’t like, with money we don’t have, so rich bankers can still get their million-dollar bonuses. The bright side of all this is that Dickens is relevant again, and by golly, Disney’s there to remind us, and in breathtaking 3D! For the record, some of us don’t especially celebrate the arrival and continued survival of white folks in North America, and while most of us are gorging ourselves on consumerism with Black Friday, a rebellious few still celebrate AdBuster’s now tired-seeming Buy Nothing Day. Personally, I’m going to commemorate this Turkey Day with the Turkey Dinner George Bush Doll
November Holidays: I’ll Quit Smoking If You Quit Eating Like A Pig
[ Comments Off ]Posted on November 1, 2009 by admin in Holidays
Sunday, November 1st, 2009The pope tries to get the heathens back to church after a wild night of partying, more celebrations of death and war, and some health reminders as Thanksgiving approaches.
For all you faithless heathens out there, don’t forget that Halloween was just the evening before All Saints Day. Or so some Pope would like you to believe; it is widely agreed that the church chose the date to coincide with the Celtic festival of Samhain, so that they could point at all the celebrations going on and say “Look, they’re celebrating our holiday!“, or at least get all those rascally pagans back in a church ASAP. Like the rest of the year, a lot of November’s holidays are devoted to somebody killing somebody or at least trying to do so. On the 5th we have Guy Fawkes Night, which celebrates the guy that failed to kill the English aristocracy in the Gunpowder Plot of 1605. Yet another example of the little guy taking the fall for the intentions of the rich and powerful. Much like Veteran’s Day, which honors all the brave citizens who have done the dirty work when the politicians and generals decided it was time to start killing again. November’s also a big health awareness month. First of all, although the desire to make a joke that their seizures should be a dead giveaway is overwhelming, in the interest of taste I won’t go there. But November is also Epilepsy Awareness Month and the Epilepsy Foundation is running a slightly humorous campaign to do away with some common myths. The Alzheimer’s Foundation also has their rather ironically named Memory Walk campaign. Just make sure granny has her GPS unit if she joins you. Closer to my heart (and lungs) this year is the fact that it’s Lung Cancer Awareness Month, culminating in the Great American Smokeout a week before Thanksgiving. In spite of the fact that last year I was explaining Why Cigarettes Are Yummy, this year, I’m trying to quit. Later in the month, we of course have Thanksgiving, which between Native American slaughter, auto accidents, and gluttony (obesity is second only to smoking as a killer) has probably killed more people than cigarettes. So I’ll make a deal with you. I’ll quit smoking if you quit eating Bacon Turgooduccochiqua. If you happen to be a smoker who’s thinking about quitting, check out the Quit Smoking Counter, which tells me that if I had quit smoking at the beginning of 2009, I’d have $2016.00 more in my pocket, and six more weeks at the end of my life. Read the rest of this entry »
Happy Hollowmeme!
[ 1 Comment ]Posted on October 27, 2009 by admin in Holidays
Tuesday, October 27th, 2009This year, take an easy out and go as an Internet meme. We all know Halloween is really here to remind us that there are only 55 shopping days left ’til Christmas, and that Dachsunds taste great with mustard.
The other day, a friend asked me: “What are you gonna be for Halloween?” to which I replied: “Happy I survived another Michigan October!“. Let’s face it, the real purpose of Halloween is to remind you that there are 55 shopping days ’til Christmas, and that it’s time to pull out your Turgooduccochiqua recipe. My only Halloween plan this year is to call all my weight-conscious friends November 2nd and ask them if they want me to take all the mini chocolate bars off their hands, but that doesn’t mean we don’t have some costume ideas! A few of our ideas from last year are still pertinent; I have yet to see the amazingly simple-to-execute Surreal Homer Simpson getup at a party. But for this year, why not go as an Internet Meme? The folks over at Rocketboom have assembled a list for you, complete with product links to all the things you’ll need. To dress up as the Flying Spaghetti Monster for instance, all you need is rope
Jolly Diwaliween & Other Politically Incorrect October Holiday Ideas
[ Comments Off ]Posted on October 17, 2009 by admin in Holidays
Saturday, October 17th, 2009Did Diwali sneak up on you unexpectedly again this year? No worries, we have a solution. And like last year, the scariest thing about Halloween is probably the economy.
  The author of this article is an alien and is not offended by this costume. |
If you missed the fact that Diwali was a little earlier in October this year, we have a helpful tip. With Halloween only two weeks away, just carve your pumpkins early, stick candles in all of them, and celebrate “Diwaliween”. Just so you don’t make the same mistake in the future, here are the dates for Diwali through 2022. Also on the 17th this year, we have that dose of artificial sweetener called “Sweetest Day”, which – although charming on the surface – was actually created by businessmen in Cleveland in 1921 to sell candy. With equally shallow sentiments, we have United Nations Day on the 24th, when – much like the rest of the year – United Nations members aren’t. By the way, Diwali wasn’t the only celebration we almost overlooked; in case you weren’t aware that there’s energy, October is Energy Awareness Month. For those of you who need all your information in the form of an interactive Flash game, EnergyStar has graciously complied. Because you know, simply listing things would be boring. Who knew that turning off the lights saves energy? Personally, I think they could’ve saved a lot of energy by firing the person that created that interactive graphic. Still to come this month, we of course have Halloween. Last year, the scariest thing about Halloween was the fact that Ben Bernanke and Hank Paulson were in charge of averting global economic collapse. This year, the scariest thing is that they don’t seem to have fixed much; retail sales appear to be down about 18% for the season. Perhaps if retailers like Target stopped offending middle-income liberal elitists by selling tasteless “illegal alien” themed costumes, sales would improve. We’re not offended, so in the interest of a healthy economy, we’d like to point out that although Target pulled the product, Amazon and others haven’t. Buy one today