The Press Gobbled Up George’sTurkey Stunt, Now You Can Too, For Just $39.99!

There are still a couple of holidays worthy of note before you throw that Bacon Turgooduccochiqua in the oven next week. We intentionally didn’t tell you about William Tell Day on the 18th, because November is Child Safety Month (alas, the British do this much better than we do), and we didn’t want to give you any ideas. To clarify the potential horrors of emulating William Tell’s behavior, just remember what happened with William Burroughs’ wife, or try this rather ghastly Flash game. But what we do want you to know about are two November holidays that seem to have their heart in the right place, and have a brief enough history that Hallmark hasn’t ruined them yet. On the 20th, we have Universal Children’s Day,  a UN-chartered holiday intended to foster worldwide fraternity and understanding between children. On the 21st, say hello to World Hello Day by saying hello to ten people, which demonstrates the importance of personal communication for preserving peace. A cool concept, and easy to execute. With Thanksgiving on the 25th, the “real” holiday season of course begins in earnest. Thanksgiving means that for one day, we as Americans can express thanks that we can eat more food than any five other world citizens combined. And the next day, we can go shopping for things for people we don’t like, with money we don’t have, so rich bankers can still get their million-dollar bonuses. The bright side of all this is that Dickens is relevant again, and by golly, Disney’s there to remind us, and in breathtaking 3D! For the record, some of us don’t especially celebrate the arrival and continued survival of white folks in North America, and while most of us are gorging ourselves on consumerism with Black Friday, a rebellious few still celebrate AdBuster’s now tired-seeming Buy Nothing Day. Personally, I’m going to commemorate this Turkey Day with the Turkey Dinner George Bush Doll , which is a great reminder of the way the press gobbled up Bush’s photo-op as he brought Turkey to a country that probably didn’t want it. Fittingly, the only country in the area that would allow him to fly through to do so is called Turkey.

It’s a scientifically proven fact that giving makes you feel good . So why don’t you give to the Dissociated Press Holiday Depression Fund? You’ll feel better, we’ll feel better, and all the Dickensian Bankers who skim a piece will feel better.

Support The Dissociated Press Holiday Depression Fund