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How To Talk Like A Hillbilly

Topics: Lifestyle & Culture | 11 CommentsBy admin | November 14, 2009

Well baste my boobs and call me a turkey! I had more fun than a tornado in a trailer park startin’ this list. Help me out.

It may be because of the fact that – hereditarily – I’m probably within spittin’ distance of Appalachia, but I have a fondness that borders on obsession for odd expressions that old geezer friends of mine use. They usually have a sort of southern flavor, sometimes a little hillbilly, sometimes a little redneck, sometimes a little white trash. We’ve talked about regionalisms like Leafpeeping Massholes and general misuse of English before, but I’m trying to assemble and categorize as many of these redneck and hillbilly sayings as I can. As you might imagine, the people most familiar with their usage are the least likely to have a computer and broadband. I worry that we’re rapidly losing some of the most colorful expressions in American English. Here are some highlights from what I’ve collected. I’d love to hear any that you may have heard from your uncle Cletus. I’ve even categorized them a bit….

Uselessness

Useless as tits on a boar hog.
Makes about as much sense as screen doors on a submarine.
(I could use some input here, I’m sure there are many more!)

General Wisdom

My cow died last night I don’t need your bull
I’ll slap you so hard you’ll starve to death before you stop slidin’.
If your aunt had nuts she’d be your uncle.
It don’t take a very big person to carry a grudge.
Don’t bet the trailer money yet.
Shit or get off the pot.
I’d rather walk through a furnace in a gasoline suit.

Being Busy

Busier than a three-tailed cat in a rockin’ chair store.
Busier than a billygoat with two peckers.
Busier than a bullshit shovel in a used car lot. (I made that one up myself!)
Busier than a one-armed paperhanger with a case o’ hives.
Busier than a one-legged cat buryin’ a turd on a frozen pond.
Busier than a one-legged man in a butt kickin’ contest.
Busier than a cranberry merchant in November.

Comparative Analogies:

Havin’ more fun than a tornado in a trailer park.
More fun than a clown on fire.
Drier than a popcorn fart.
Tangier than my brother’s cutoffs.
Finer than a frog’s hair split 3 ways.
That race was closer than Lassie and Timmy.
Grinning like a possum shittin’ peach seeds.

Which often refer to how hot it is:

So hot it’ll make your fingernails sweat.
Hotter than two squirrels screwin’ in wool sock on a hill in a peach tree
Hotter than a Times Square Rolex.

Ugliness

So ugly he’d make milk turn.
So ugly, they had to put a pork chop around his neck to get the dog to play with him.
Uglier than a lard bucket full of armpits.
Ugly enough to scare the mutt off the gut wagon.

Astounded Surrender

Well, bite my butt and call me an apple
Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit
Well toss my greens and call me Ceasar
Well, gosh my golly and call me Miss Molly
Well shit in my mouth and call me your sister
Well, kiss my grits and call me breakfast
Well Tickle My Balls And Call Me Adam
Well, fan my brow and call me farmer!
Well bust my legs and call me shorty
Well baste my boobs and call me a turkey!
Well tickle my toes and call me Elmo!

Stupid Or Crazy

Stupid

If stupid could fly, you’d be a jet.
Couldn’t pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
Forgot to pay his brain bill.
Couldn’t find his ass if both hands were tied behind his back.
Fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
If he were any dumber, we’d have to water him.
It takes him an hour and a half to watch ’60 minutes’.
If  you spoke your mind you’d be speechless.
Not the brightest light on the tree.
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
Not the sharpest tool in the shed.
So dumb, he couldn’t pass a blood test.
They had to burn down the school to get him out of third grade.
Hitch in your giddy up.

Crazy-

Nuttier than a squirrel turd.
He’s crazier than a soup sandwich.

Dual Purpose

A couple of bananas short of a split.
A few candles short of a birthday cake.
A few cans short of a six-pack.
A few clowns short of a circus.
A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
Elevator doesn’t go all the way to the top floor.
He’s a couple dollars short of a Two Dollar Bill.
His antenna doesn’t pick up all the channels.
His belt doesn’t go through all the loops.
His bucket don’t make it to the top of the well.
His driveway don’t quite reach the street.
His stairs don’t go all the way to the attic.
Not all of his planes are on deck.
Skylight leaks a little.
Somebody blew out his pilot light.
The cheese slid off his cracker.
Too much yardage between the goal posts.
Two sandwiches short of a picnic.

Bonus Photo: The Redneck Palm Pilot

Read Comments

  1. Posted by » Help Pick The Dissociated Press Best Of 2009 - Dissociated Press on 12.29.09 11:19 pm

    [...] Masshole, and as the year moved on we explained why I was late for my man date, offered tips on how to talk like a hillbilly, and why it’s okay to swear, [...]

  2. Posted by Diane on 01.08.10 1:03 pm

    My dad had all kinds of expressions like this. He was born in 1900 and raised in Nebraska.

    Well, fan my brow and call me shorty!

    Looks like he combined two of your phrases.

  3. Posted by Ralph Beck on 01.26.10 9:01 pm

    I worked on a few Southern California mountain road crews from 30 years ago and one of my favorites was (brace yourself), “Hotter than a fresh-fucked fox in a forest fire.” Thought you might find it interesting.

  4. Posted by » Can’t You See I’m Busy? - Dissociated Press on 03.11.10 5:11 pm

    [...] out your desk”. Following the simple suggestions in that peice should have you looking Busier than a one-legged man in a butt kickin’ contest in no time. Once you’ve successfully created the illusion of busy-ness, it still may be hard [...]

  5. Posted by ashley on 03.30.10 11:09 am

    “you’re so annoying, you’d fuck up a wet dream.”

    my mom actually told us that sometimes.

  6. Posted by » White Trash Pride - Dissociated Press on 04.17.10 12:10 am

    [...] on this group. We’ll go into more detail in upcoming pieces (besides, we already covered how to talk like a hillbilly) , but I figure we’ll cover some basics right now. First of all, you’ll need a name. An [...]

  7. Posted by » There’s More To Being A Hillbilly Than Marrying Your Sister - Dissociated Press on 04.29.10 10:36 pm

    [...] difference between rednecks, white trash, and now hillbillies (although we’ve touched on the hillbilly tongue), I had a tough row to hoe. As the spawn of a white trash background, myself, I think I’ve [...]

  8. Posted by Velocity X. Mass on 02.09.11 7:11 pm

    Climatology:

    “Colder’n a witch’s tit”

    Mechanical Engineering:

    “Tighter’n a bull’s ass goin’ up a hill backwards”

  9. Posted by Troy on 10.13.11 11:29 pm

    I would rather light my hair on fire & beat it out with a hammer that do……….

  10. Posted by larry the catfish guy on 04.16.12 5:28 pm

    i wouldn’t have that thing up my ass if i had room for a sawmill. it’s windier than a gunny sack full of assholes. more later

  11. Posted by tenn-mex on 05.12.12 1:11 am

    “Busier than a three-legged dog at the hound races”

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