Well baste my boobs and call me a turkey! I had more fun than a tornado in a trailer park startin’ this list. Help me out.
It may be because of the fact that – hereditarily – I’m probably within spittin’ distance of Appalachia, but I have a fondness that borders on obsession for odd expressions that old geezer friends of mine use. They usually have a sort of southern flavor, sometimes a little hillbilly, sometimes a little redneck, sometimes a little white trash. We’ve talked about regionalisms like Leafpeeping Massholes and general misuse of English before, but I’m trying to assemble and categorize as many of these redneck and hillbilly sayings as I can. As you might imagine, the people most familiar with their usage are the least likely to have a computer and broadband. I worry that we’re rapidly losing some of the most colorful expressions in American English. Here are some highlights from what I’ve collected. I’d love to hear any that you may have heard from your uncle Cletus. I’ve even categorized them a bit….
Useless as tits on a boar hog.
Makes about as much sense as screen doors on a submarine.
(I could use some input here, I’m sure there are many more!)
My cow died last night I don’t need your bull
I’ll slap you so hard you’ll starve to death before you stop slidin’.
If your aunt had nuts she’d be your uncle.
It don’t take a very big person to carry a grudge.
Don’t bet the trailer money yet.
Shit or get off the pot.
I’d rather walk through a furnace in a gasoline suit.
Busier than a three-tailed cat in a rockin’ chair store.
Busier than a billygoat with two peckers.
Busier than a bullshit shovel in a used car lot. (I made that one up myself!)
Busier than a one-armed paperhanger with a case o’ hives.
Busier than a one-legged cat buryin’ a turd on a frozen pond.
Busier than a one-legged man in a butt kickin’ contest.
Busier than a cranberry merchant in November.
Havin’ more fun than a tornado in a trailer park.
More fun than a clown on fire.
Drier than a popcorn fart.
Tangier than my brother’s cutoffs.
Finer than a frog’s hair split 3 ways.
That race was closer than Lassie and Timmy.
Grinning like a possum shittin’ peach seeds.
Which often refer to how hot it is:
So hot it’ll make your fingernails sweat.
Hotter than two squirrels screwin’ in wool sock on a hill in a peach tree
Hotter than a Times Square Rolex.
So ugly he’d make milk turn.
So ugly, they had to put a pork chop around his neck to get the dog to play with him.
Uglier than a lard bucket full of armpits.
Ugly enough to scare the mutt off the gut wagon.
Well, bite my butt and call me an apple
Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit
Well toss my greens and call me Ceasar
Well, gosh my golly and call me Miss Molly
Well shit in my mouth and call me your sister
Well, kiss my grits and call me breakfast
Well Tickle My Balls And Call Me Adam
Well, fan my brow and call me farmer!
Well bust my legs and call me shorty
Well baste my boobs and call me a turkey!
Well tickle my toes and call me Elmo!
Stupid Or Crazy
If stupid could fly, you’d be a jet.
Couldn’t pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
Forgot to pay his brain bill.
Couldn’t find his ass if both hands were tied behind his back.
Fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
If he were any dumber, we’d have to water him.
It takes him an hour and a half to watch ’60 minutes’.
If you spoke your mind you’d be speechless.
Not the brightest light on the tree.
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
Not the sharpest tool in the shed.
So dumb, he couldn’t pass a blood test.
They had to burn down the school to get him out of third grade.
Hitch in your giddy up.
Nuttier than a squirrel turd.
He’s crazier than a soup sandwich.
A couple of bananas short of a split.
A few candles short of a birthday cake.
A few cans short of a six-pack.
A few clowns short of a circus.
A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
Elevator doesn’t go all the way to the top floor.
He’s a couple dollars short of a Two Dollar Bill.
His antenna doesn’t pick up all the channels.
His belt doesn’t go through all the loops.
His bucket don’t make it to the top of the well.
His driveway don’t quite reach the street.
His stairs don’t go all the way to the attic.
Not all of his planes are on deck.
Skylight leaks a little.
Somebody blew out his pilot light.
The cheese slid off his cracker.
Too much yardage between the goal posts.
Two sandwiches short of a picnic.
Bonus Photo: The Redneck Palm Pilot