Monday Demotivators: The Presidents Day Edition
[ Comments Off ]Posted on February 16, 2009 by admin in Editorial & Opinion
Monday, February 16th, 2009Funny, he looks remarkably like his prehistoric ancestors. Although all you bankers out there have the day off anyway and don’t deserve any Monday Demotivators, we’re sticking to our tradition of doing our best to make you waste time and be late for work on Monday morning. Why DO they call it President’s Day, anyway? [...]
 Funny, he looks remarkably like his prehistoric ancestors. |
Although all you bankers out there have the day off anyway and don’t deserve any Monday Demotivators, we’re sticking to our tradition of doing our best to make you waste time and be late for work on Monday morning. Why DO they call it President’s Day, anyway? It should be called “No Banking For You ‘Cuz All The Lazy-ass Bankers Have The Day Off Day” or something. Anyway, in keeping with the holiday theme, let’s rob a bank. Although robbing a real one might be fun, let’s stick to pretend bank robbing with The Bank Robber, which took so long to load and had so many instructions that I didn’t actually try it. Let me know how that worked out for you, it looks pretty clever. For the more brain-dead (like me) here’s a simple shoot ‘em up bank robber game. You just, well…shoot ‘em up. On a presidential note, you could always revisit the glory days of Bush Shoe Tossing , or de-evolve ex-President (man I like the sound of that) Bush with Darwin’s Devolve Me. And for some completely unrelated random fun, try Shopping Cart Hero. Yeah, downhill shopping carting is all fine and dandy until someone LOSES AN EYE or something. And lastly, in what seems to be common theme with Flash games, shoot some cute, helpless Roly-Polies with a cannon.
Monday Demotivators: The Super Bowl Fever Edition
[ Comments Off ]Posted on February 2, 2009 by admin in Editorial & Opinion
Monday, February 2nd, 2009It’s not super, and it’s not a bowl
Since 1.5 million of you will be calling in sick today, I thought I’d share some excuses to avoid, courtesy of CareerBuilder.com. On the Monday after Super Bowl Sunday, the only one of those that might fly would be “Employee’s wife burned all his clothes and he had nothing to wear to work“. Once you’ve come up with your lame excuse for not working today, come back for this week’s Monday Demotivators. First up: while it loads, Perfect Balance asks “are you ready to master both harmony and inferno?” A little dramatic for a moderately amusing game where you balance objects on the screen. A more reasonable question might be “are you ready to master your disdain for new-agey game soundtracks?” The game also pops up with a mildly annoying FaceBook suggestion in the lower right. After you’re suitably annoyed, you might want to try the simplistic and slightly creepy HitStick, a first person shooter that takes place in a subway. You shoot little round-headed guys in suits for no reason I could immediately ascertain. If your bloodlust isn’t sated by that one, perhaps you need a new twist on your sick interest in shooting things: BUNNIES! Shooting bunnies (even bunnies that have escaped from a research facility and are terrorizing the countryside) sounds pretty cruel until you find out what the bunnies are actually up to. Happy Super Bowl Monday!
Tuesday Torture For Young Urban Failures
[ Comments Off ]Posted on January 27, 2009 by admin in Editorial & Opinion
Tuesday, January 27th, 2009See you in the unemployment line?
That image at left, aside from being an interesting abstract grid pattern, is a bunch of cars that haven’t been sold. More interesting shots like it at The Guardian. As a dirty trick, and in honor of the growing ranks of the unemployed, I decided to move our Monday Demotivators to Tuesday. Now, after not looking for a job on Monday like you said you would, you’ll come here Tuesday morning thinking it’s safe, and waste yet another day playing stupid on line Flash games. It’s okay, jobs suck anyway. Although if for some reason you’re hell-bent on having one, the skills you’ll need for Candystand’s Grid might come in handy if you want to work on the country’s new energy grid plans. Moving on: with a name like Boomshine, I was hoping for something a little boomier or shinier, but people seem to love it. Probably because of the cheesy Windham Hill-esque
Monday De-Motivators: The Final Edition
[ Comments Off ]Posted on January 19, 2009 by admin in Editorial & Opinion
Monday, January 19th, 2009You’ll have to find a way to be late for work on your own from now on…
It occurred to me after the feedback on last week’s Monday De-Motivators that not only was I not succeeding at making anybody late for work on Monday (most visitors are clicking on this stuff after 9pm), but I was getting ahead of the visitors that actually enjoy the games linked to. So this may be the last Monday De-Motivator for a while; as much as I take pride in creating a few Stack The Cats addicts (you know who you are), finding this stuff is exhausting, especially (as I’ve stressed repeatedly) if you don’t like computer games in the first place. It’s kind of like being in AA and having to taste bourbon for a living. For example: Sling Wars, though quite simple, quickly gave me a mild brain-ache. I got all the basic principles right away, but didn’t really feel like spending the time necessary to get a feel for the weapon. I also struggled with the idea that even though I chose to be a Native American, my only choices were to fight in Africa and Europe. Looking at the top scores was quite worrying, by the way. I’m pretty sure “El Turco” – who scored 2,147,483,647 - is someone I probably don’t want to have lunch with. Domino Pressure is a little more my speed. Zero learning curve, immediate results. Though I’m still not clear on how or why a domino would smash a tomato. And GlobalPlayer actually looks kind of interesting, but it gave me a mild panic attack on the first go. My first job as a teenager was in warehousing, and it brought back some of the trauma of that. Now that I’ve steadied my breathing and had a cup of coffee, I might give it another try. And last up: I didn’t know there was a Stoneage Sam One, so I think Stoneage Sam Two: The Ice Age lacked a little of the intended “You loved it so much, we’ve done a sequel” feeling. It was however, quite an insight into a game designer’s mind to have to use a child and a piece of vine as a simple tool to advance the score.
My Job Is To Make You Late For Yours
[ 6 Comments ]Posted on January 12, 2009 by admin in Editorial & Opinion
Monday, January 12th, 2009If We’re Doing Our Job, You Aren’t
We’ve had so few visitor comments lately that I can’t guage if these Monday Demotivators are doing their job, or if it’s just that no-one’s reading any more. I hope it’s the former. As I’ve said before, I don’t enjoy the darn games myself, I just take perverse glee in the idea of making you late for work if I can. So here we go. If you’re still in a pre-caffeinated state, Flubber Rise might be the place to begin. Just keep clicking the little Flubber guy. Remember, as the game says: “Flubber fountains make you grow!” I can’t believe I just typed that. What’s maybe even scarier is that you’re reading it. Next up: Dodge. Crap, I actually enjoyed that one. You just, well, DODGE stuff. On the other hand, Colordefense is evil. Move a tri-colored circle around so the colors match the color of the little squares attacking you. Simple enough, except the bastard that created the game made it so you use your W, A, S, and D keys to move around. Speaking of “the other hand”, maybe if you’re sinistral, Colordefense is easier to play. Let me know, lefties. Moving on, does the adjective “xtreme” bother you as much as it bothers me? Try xTreme Ball Racing anyway. I’m not really into racing little balls in real life, but this game’s visuals made me a little dizzy, which is something I DO enjoy for some reason. Just avoid the blueballs. Er, I mean, the blue balls. And lastly, for those who insist on using their brain a little, we have Gravitat. Kind of like an overwhelming version of Tic-Tac-Toe, but with gravity.