Editorial & Opinion
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[ Comments Off ]Posted on October 11, 2008 by admin in Editorial & Opinion
Saturday, October 11th, 2008I’m tired of your Ayn Rand-induced stupor.
I’m generally convinced that people don’t really care too much about what I think, but I thought it would at least be fun (and definitely be self-indulgently cathartic) to do an Editorial/Opinion section. This is the first. We’ll see if there are more…
Hey America. I’m tired of your flip-a-coin elections. I’m tired of angry, rich, plane-crashing dwarfs calling articulate black politicians terrorists, and their wives cunts. I’m tired of your incessant insistence that I need a 60″ plasma-screen TV. What, I need to see Bill O’Reilly’s liver spots better? I’m tired of your desperate fascination with reality shows. I’ve got enough reality already. I’m tired of waiting behind you while you make twelve-point turns with your Hummer because not only does your fat ass not fit in IT…IT doesn’t fit in the McDonald’s drive-thru where you anxiously order your aorta-bursting lunch made of inedible corn by-products, and served by impoverished single moms. I’m tired of your obsession with the lives of the vapid children of Hollywood’s aging elite. I’m tired of watching your gut bounce above your Dockers’ waistband. Dockers.The only garment ever designed specifically to make a bloated white man look less like his pants are at war with his stomach. I’m tired of you telling me I need to buy your insurance. Insurance is like giving someone money to protect me from something that’ll never happen so that they won’t when it does. I’m tired of your desperate attachment to your car. Why do you enjoy paying 5 times what something is worth so you can do things you don’t need to do faster? I’m tired of your erectile dysfunction, your bald head, your unhappiness with your breasts…especially you men. I’m tired of your anxiety, insomnia, depression, and the way they make you treat your family. I’m tired of your Ayn Rand-induced stupor; self-preservation is natural. It’s not a virtuous attribute.
Keeping A Breast Of T-Shirt Folding Methods
[ Comments Off ]Posted on October 6, 2008 by admin in Editorial & Opinion
Monday, October 6th, 2008Yes. I actually said “a breast”.
The t-shirt is a strange garment. Originally meant to be worn under another shirt, it in fact tends to make you look unstylish when you do so. Worn as a primary garment, it pretty much implies a certain social class. I own precisely five t-shirts myself. Three black and two white, mostly to wear under sport jackets. A dated and not very stylish look that I find comfortable. So yesterday as I was folding a couple of my t-shirts, I was wishing I could remember the method from the Asian TV show in clip at left. When I went to look for the clip on YouTube, I found a lot more than I bargained for. I don’t know which bodes worse for our culture – the fact that all these people took the time to make these videos, or the fact that I took the time to post them here. Or the fact that you may actually watch them. So first up, if you didn’t quite catch the method in the clip, here’s a slower version with English narration. Here’s how an engineer does it, but he’s really just making a cardboard version of the real machine. And if you’re a redneck, you would do it like this, except you’d probably rather watch a woman with big boobs take off her shirt to demonstrate.
Does Being A Master Debater Make You Go Blind?
[ Comments Off ]Posted on October 2, 2008 by admin in Editorial & Opinion
Thursday, October 2nd, 2008Heh. I said “Master Debater”.
Love arguing but don’t feel like watching Sarah Palin talk in her grating, nasal whine for an hour tonight? Why not start your own argument? Mention any of these topics while out having drinks or dinner, and then just sit back and watch: 1.) The airplane on a treadmill question. In the discussion on that link, the topic went on for fifteen pages. 2.) Does hot water boil faster than cold water? 3.) Can water be colder than 32°F and not be ice (here’s the answer in video form) ? 4.) If the curved top of an airfoil makes airplanes fly, why are the most efficient airfoils curved on both sides? Okay, that one’s a little nerdy. I asked an airline pilot the question once, and he said “put enough THRUST behind it, and a BRICK’ll fly”… Got any more to share?
I’m Udderly Ashamed, But Behooved
[ Comments Off ]Posted on October 1, 2008 by admin in Editorial & Opinion
Wednesday, October 1st, 2008There’s just to much at steak.
To bring you this little news item. Who would’ve thought that chasing small children around and peeing on somebody’s porch while wearing a cow costume was somehow illegal? Maybe the poor woman was just getting fired up about halloween a little early. It is only a few weeks away. If you’re stuck for an idea, one classic solution is to hope that somebody famous dies. Always a winner. For 2008 an obvious theme would be a bailout-related costume, but all I can think of is sticking my head up my ass and saying that I’m a politician. For a commercially-produced outfit, maybe something like this Genie in the Lamp “Rub Me”
Death-Defying Combover Trumped By “Wall of Hair”
[ Comments Off ]Posted on September 29, 2008 by admin in Editorial & Opinion
Monday, September 29th, 2008Troubled hair for troubled times…
The recent barrage of political and economic collective psychosis has left me with a touch of Weltschmerz. Which is cool, because I NEVER get to use that word in casual conversation. The state of things has also had me feeling like my head is going to explode though, so much so that I think my already-thinning hair has decided it needs a bailout too. I’ve thought about shaving my head, but I’m pretty sure I’d end up looking like the guy in the movie “Powder”, so I keep that as an absolute last-ditch option. No worries now though, the UK Daily Mail has provided us with a step-by-step guide to the gravity-defying Donald Trump combover. I consider Trump’s combover constructions second only to Wall of Sound genius Phil Spector’s Wall of Hair. I wonder if there’s a German word for “the horror of aging tycoons’ hair”?