I’m generally convinced that people don’t really care too much about what I think, but I thought it would at least be fun (and definitely be self-indulgently cathartic) to do an Editorial/Opinion section. This is the first. We’ll see if there are more…

Hey America. I’m tired of your flip-a-coin elections. I’m tired of angry, rich, plane-crashing dwarfs calling articulate black politicians terrorists, and their wives cunts. I’m tired of your incessant insistence that I need a 60″ plasma-screen TV. What, I need to see Bill O’Reilly’s liver spots better? I’m tired of your desperate fascination with reality shows. I’ve got enough reality already. I’m tired of waiting behind you while you make twelve-point turns with your Hummer because not only does your fat ass not fit in IT…IT doesn’t fit in the McDonald’s drive-thru where you anxiously order your aorta-bursting lunch made of inedible corn by-products, and served by impoverished single moms. I’m tired of your obsession with the lives of the vapid children of Hollywood’s aging elite. I’m tired of watching your gut bounce above your Dockers’ waistband. Dockers.The only garment ever designed specifically to make a bloated white man look less like his pants are at war with his stomach. I’m tired of you telling me I need to buy your insurance. Insurance is like giving someone money to protect me from something that’ll never happen so that they won’t when it does. I’m tired of your desperate attachment to your car. Why do you enjoy paying 5 times what something is worth so you can do things you don’t need to do faster? I’m tired of your erectile dysfunction, your bald head, your unhappiness with your breasts…especially you men. I’m tired of your anxiety, insomnia, depression, and the way they make you treat your family. I’m tired of your Ayn Rand-induced stupor; self-preservation is natural. It’s not a virtuous attribute.