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If This Page Gets One Million Likes I Won’t Shoot a Kitten

Topics: Missing Links | 2 CommentsBy admin | February 5, 2013

Our roundup of the dreaded “plea for Likes” meme.

Of all the insufferable things that Facebook has done to poison the inflection of online communication, I think we can all agree that the “Like” button has done more damage than emoticons, chat speak, and the “reply all” button combined. Remember when it was new? If you were one of the people who immediately stopped sharing actual thoughts on the first day, doing things like “Liking” my mother’s obituary, I just want to say: I hate you. The more articulate amongst us of course resisted for months, realizing that resorting to the Like Button was yet another step toward the brain dead consumer world uncannily prophesied in the movie Idiocracy. By the way, if you think that reference to the movie is a stretch, you obviously haven’t seen the real-world version of the fictional Ow! My Balls!  featured in the film. So anyway, those of us who refuse to use words like “totes”, “ping”, and “YOLO” in normal conversation held out for quite a long time. We only relented when – starting around 2011 – all you posted on Facebook was more goddamn pictures of your lunch and an endless stream of stupid quotes-as-graphics. If all you have to share in life is “Doy, lookie at dis funny cat pitcher wut I found”, there’s really no avenue left for us but to “Like” it – or not, since there is no “Don’t Like” button – which is something we lamented quite a while back.

So if a “Like” really serves no purpose as a communication tool – having simply become a Pavlovian response that releases you from an obligation to use your brain for a second – what value does it have? Well, some would argue that it has a value of $3.60, but that’s clearly preposterous. It’s obviously not a reliable form of currency; even if one is able to manipulate that Like into some kind of real conversion, the value varies tremendously based on the quality of that conversion. If a person who regularly buys Luis Vuitton luggage “Likes” something, that’s worth a hell of a lot more than someone Liking a picture of your cat wearing a piece of bread on its head. And while there have been studies which demonstrate that Likes correlate with web traffic, there are two problems there. One is – as anyone who operates a website should know – that getting ten thousand visitors from Reddit in one day typically has less cash value than getting TEN visitors with whom you have any kind of relationship. And the other is the redundant and/or useless nature of that data. Okay, “Likes” correlate with page views. Duh. But this only tells you something about the Facebook users who visited the page. And I don’t know about you, but the most influential people I know aren’t avid Facebook users. Hmm. Maybe I should finally kick the Facebook habit so I can become one of them.

In any case, enough Like hating. Below are the worst and best desperate pleas to be liked that I could find. The winning plea is at the very bottom.

Way to go, dad. Someone call social services.

Oh, wait. It was a joke. Maybe they should do another plea then. For DENTAL CARE.

If this image had the effect its creator desired, your psyche is now scarred for life.

Yeah, yeah. These kids are Norwegian. We know they were ALREADY having sex.

Can we all just pitch in and buy her some clothes? And a shrink?

Forget it kid. If he’s so messed up, why is the internet service still on, and why hasn’t he sold the computer at the local pawn shop? And cute kitties won’t cut it, you need a poorly lit photo of dad in a tattered easy chair with a syringe hanging out of his arm. Drooling.

Wouldn’t this be redundant, in a way?

I have a better idea. How about we give you five million likes if you DON’T post pics?

If this is how you two make life decisions, maybe she SHOULD get one, to spare the poor kid the misery of your parenting.

We saved this for the end, because it’s so played out. You’ll notice that it’s always a GUY, who is offering someone ELSE’s willingness, whether it’s their wife…

…or their sister…

But this is a nice twist.

And there’s always someone who refuses to be outdone.

This was one of the first, but I have to say – these kids were stupid.

WHY DIDN’T THEY ASK FOR A PONY?

And this one probably sums it up…

Read Comments

  1. Posted by jeanne on 02.05.13 8:16 am

    nice one Ian…. In the future, I think I’ll either say the word ‘like’ rather than click it, or just not say a thing. Or say all kinds of things. eeek..
    It’s crazy when someone shares a rather sad and desperate story (why would they do that on face book in the first place) and people ‘like’ it. It’s not likeable.
    I think it’s that many people want to know that someone is paying attention to the mindless things they send. And then there are those that want to know if you read their something important and the 6 gaggillon mindless stuff took over the one or two interesting things… well.. you know. It’s Face Book. It ain’t all that and then you and I are on it a lot during the day. What’s that say? I LIKE you.

  2. Posted by I like, I liked, I will like, I have liked, I would like to like. ‘Like’ me | geezer girl on 02.05.13 9:47 am

    [...] My friend Ian, wrote this article regarding the ‘like’ button on FackBook. http://dissociatedpress.com/2013/02/if-this-page-gets-one-million-likes-i-wont-shoot-a-kitten/  … I have to admit, that tho’ it makes for ease in letting someone know you’ve paid [...]