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We Wish You a Fiscal Cliffmas

Topics: Holidays | Add A CommentBy admin | December 14, 2012

Don’t let the government have ALL the fun. Spend yourself into oblivion this Christmas with these great gift ideas for the brokeass masses and their overlords to be.

We thought our job was done. In past years, we had pretty much covered the whole “Christmas Gift Ideas as Linkbait” idea, having touched on everything from insanely expensive gifts you might hope to get, to disturbing and perverse gifts you hope you DON’T get. Last year we were so desperate for a new gift theme that we resorted to Christmas Gifts for Occupiers. What could possibly be left? Well, thanks to those clowns in Washington who will gleefully spend 3 billion dollars to get elected but can’t balance a US budget to save their lives, we’re back! While most of us drive off our OWN fiscal cliff just about every Christmas and wake up in the wreckage in January, this is the first time in a while that the government has paused for a moment and said “Holy crap! We’re broke!” Never mind the fact that this has pretty much ALWAYS been the case. This is different! It’s a FISCAL CLIFF for chrissakes. WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE ‘CAUSE THERE’S NO MONEY. Or so some politicians would like us to believe. It’s especially ironic that the GOP was the source of the term “Fiscal Cliff”; somewhere in their clever plan to slap the label on Obama, things backfired. Probably because they overlooked the fact that we’re too smart to ignore the fact that you don’t have to be in a particular party to be a greedy, self-serving, irresponsible twit. “It takes a pillage” as they say. One thing’s for sure. No politician who spent his whole life engineering the kind of pay, perks, and health insurance that congressman enjoy will ever fail to keep the honey flowing. Which – as usual – will have no bearing on OUR lot in life. As the global economy continues its gyrations, the average American will be more brokeass than ever, and “middle class” will become a meaningless phrase as we spiral into a Dickensian world of poverty for the many, and king-like riches for the few. So this year’s roundup focuses on gift ideas for the brokeass and classless, i.e.: you and me, our rich overlords to be, and a couple for the filthy commies who voted Obama back in office so he could finish single-handledly destroying our economy and way of life with his evil socialist agenda. Gift ideas below. Most of them are free or under ten bucks on Amazon.

First, the perfect gifts for your socialist friends who are pushing us off that Fiscal Cliff:

Lump of Coal A timeless classic which will make any socialist happy, since no commerce whatsoever need take place. At least, that is, if you’re smart about it and steal it from an abandoned coal bin. If you MUST buy it, make sure it was mined by ethically treated union members, or you’ll risk the pious wrath of your labor-loving comrade.
A Rock Yup. A rock. But this is a politically correct holiday rock. That’s why there’s no bow or other symbol of some patriarchal, robber baron capitalist pseudo-holiday. Be sure not to suggest even a remote connection to the idea of “Pet Rocks” though, which implies “ownership” of another sentient being. Great for throwing through government windows!

Gift Ideas for Our Wealthy Overlords-to-be

Charles DickensCharles Dickens
Action Figure
What better symbol for your new role as a Dickensian slumlord? Keep this little guy on your desk as a reminder that it’s your very purpose in life to prevent the starving masses from having a happy Christmas.
Wall St VictimsWall Street Victim
Action Figures
Put a bunch of these on the floor and shower them with worthless pieces of paper to bring back memories of the good old days, when you did the same with toxic mortgage deals but actually got to skim the cash off before the con collapsed on the little guy.
BullwhipBullwhip – 105 Inch If you want something done right, do it yourself. Or whip someone ELSE until THEY do it right. Now that the dollar is almost worthless, you can’t create as many wage slaves. But maybe you can have REAL ones!
Potty Putter Potty Putter Putting
Mat Golf Game
The new Wealthy Power Elite will have so much leisure time that they’ll have to practice golf while crapping, if they want to maintain a competitive game.

Gift Ideas for the New Brokeass You

Just because you’re broke doesn’t mean you get to skip Christmas. Like my grammaw always said to my cheapskate grampaw, “don’t stick a bow in yer ass and tell me it’s Christmas”

 Mullet Wig
Super Mullet Wig
Your fall from the fiscal cliff is going to happen so fast you won’t even have time to grow a proper mullet to suit your new socioeconomic class. Be prepared. Get a wig.
Waitress Action FigureWaitress Action Figure You can play with this waitress action figure in your pretend restaurant, because you won’t even be able to get a waiter job at Appleby’s, let alone a REAL job.
Construction Worker
Construction Worker
Role Play Set
With any luck, by the time your kids are old enough to get a real job (at the age of eleven under the new labor laws) one of the few available will be building security fences in the gated communities of the rich. Might as well give them some occupational home schooling.
My First TattooMy First Tattoos Kit This fun tattoo kit for kids will help them plan ahead so that when they end up in debtor’s prison, they won’t get one of those gaudy jail tats.
Beer Can HolsterBeer Can Holster Belt Big surprise: one of the post econopocalypse laws will prevent citizens from owning guns, for fear of an armed revolution. Beer will still be prevalent though, perhaps even encouraged. Much like how the Pharaohs kept the pyramid builders liquored up on mead. You’ll need someplace to carry it.
Lionel TrainLionel Tinplate Train Set
($2,759.99)
Neener neener, just kidding. Only the rich kids get actual toy trains. And they’ll cost over two grand, like this one.
Redneck LifeRedneck Life Board Game Still messin’ with you. This really should be in the rich people section. Not only can you not afford it, you wouldn’t find its meta-irony amusing any more.
Redneck Yard SignRedneck Yard Sign Face it. In a few years, people won’t be able to tell if you are or not, as the car you can’t afford gas for starts rusting out in the yard. Might as well plan ahead and get this now, before your credit card is cancelled.
We Can Do It!Rosie the Riveter “We Can
Do It” Action Figure
Sure. We can do it. If by “it” you mean slaving away making luxury items for your evil overlords who finally stopped outsourcing, and brought the jobs home. At the same wages they paid in China.
Chemistry LabThe Magic School Bus
Chemistry Lab
After the New Power Elite finish dismantling the public school system, the six kids you have because they also outlawed birth control will have lots of time on their hands. Might as well put ‘em to work making meth like that guy in Breaking Bad. Bonus: You can get high to escape your miserable existence! Magic school bus indeed.
UPS Guy CostumeUPS Guy Costume This will prepare those same kids for the inevitable job as a peon delivering the toys that the rich people buy THEIR kids on Amazon, which get shipped out each day from the ubiquitous slave camp like shipment centers, formerly known as “the post office”.
Beef Jerky ChewBuffalo Bill’s Hickory
Shredded Beef Jerky Chew
Under normal circumstances, the poverty stricken often chew tobacco. You’ll be too broke for that. Better replace the tobacco with something that also provides nutrients. If jerky in fact contains any nutrients. The container is also great for pickup games of street hockey.
White Trash EtiquetteWhite Trash Etiquette: The
Definitive Guide to Upscale
Trailer Park Manners
Just because you’ve been reduced to living in a trailer doesn’t mean you have to ACT like you live in a trailer. Or maybe it does. This handy guide will help you sort things out.