Face it. Since election day, Facebook has been pretty dull. Here are seven topics guaranteed to put some ignorance and hyperbole back in your feed.
Hear that sound? Me neither. It’s the sound of tumbleweeds slowly rolling through your Facebook feed since election day. If you’re a Facebook user, you have no doubt noticed how damn boring it is lately. All the early adopters were tired of it two years ago, but it had become kind of like one’s “daily elimination”. Not something you especially look forward to, but you do it every day anyway. After the late adopters tired of Farmville, all that was really left was a constant stream of kitten, baby, and “look what I’m eating!” photos, and those weird motivational quotes as graphics. That’s why we all welcomed a presidential election. Suddenly, things were exciting again! Ten thousand word irrational rants about how Obama was an Islamic Socialist Illuminati out to destroy capitalism and create a global currency while making sure all our soldiers were in harms way, and Romney was a magic-underpants-wearing robber baron who was going to sell Chrysler to India and rape grandma’s social security fund to finance a holy war against Iran to save the economy. Or something like that, I forget the details. But then Obama won, and all the sane, intelligent Republicans and Democrats just kind of got quiet, and all the idiots on either side just got angrier and louder. The Republican ones exploding in rage disorders and planning their state’s secession from the Union, and the Democrats gloating obnoxiously, not realizing that in essence, they had just re-elected Ronald Reagan. The threads would fizzle quickly, presumably because aside from the fact that “who won” was a moot point, the flames of the “torches and pitchforks” crowd exhausted all the oxygen needed to generate so much hot air on these threads. But fear not! We’re here to help put the “FU” (Facebook Unfriending) back in Facebook. Here are seven topics guaranteed to put some fight back in your feed, and unmitigated gall back on your wall.
Hey you. Over there! Scrape that damn Al Gore 2000 bumper sticker off yer car, will ya? And you. Yeah, you. Put down that rifle, take off the “My Economics are Trickling” magic underpants, and put on that beanie with the anemometer on it. We’re gonna clear this up once and for all. The Earth is warmer than fifty years ago. The ice caps are melting, and the beaches of Tuvalu are disappearing at the rate of ten feet a year. But you know what? We also had an ice age before there was an industrial revolution, and the only people who talk more meaningless bullshit than used car salesmen and professional economists are meteorologists. I mean, these dudes can’t even predict next week’s weather accurately, and still have a job. The fact is, the science isn’t adequate to state empirically that man is causing global warming. But that doesn’t mean that spewing black poisonous clouds into the air is any less stupid than it ever was. If we stopped blackening the skies for energy and manufacturing , we have this fusion reactor in the sky raining all the energy we need on our heads every day, and it’s FREE!
Bottom line: Who cares if the Earth is getting warmer, or why? Poisoning the air is stupid either way.
Religion vs Science
Thank you Richard Dawkins, Christopher Hitchens, abusive Christian parents everywhere, and alcohol, for creating this delightful proving ground of logical fallacy and irrational debate. Let’s be fair; it’s only the wingnut fundamentalists on either side of this debate that make the debate possible at all. Hey you, Religious Fanatic! We don’t care if you DO believe that there are billions of invisible Tinkerbells flapping their wings madly to make the Earth spin, just don’t expect US to believe it. And don’t walk away, Pseudo-scientific Atheist! You can just STFU too, if you’re going to start talking about details of the origin of the universe as if there’s empirical evidence to support your claim, or claim that science can (at this point anyway) prove the non-existence of God. Jeezy creezy, Allegedly Reasoned Person, know the limits of human inductive and deductive thought, and realize that until YOU are omniscient, you are incapable of proving the non-existence of something else that is.
Bottom line: Chill out people. You’re both just humans trying to make sense of things. As long as no-one’s ramming THEIR ideas down your throat and outlawing YOURS, try a little tolerance. If you’re religious, that’s probably one of your rules anyway, and if you’re logical, well, what’s the logic in tackling topics that defy logic? Go invent anti-gravity or something.
Democrat vs Republican
This is probably the funniest of all the unwinnable debates. It’s like in a slasher movie, when the damsel in distress is walking down a country road at night in a thunderstorm, terrified because she knows a mad killer is on the loose, and gets rescued by her brother in his familiar and comforting station wagon, but doesn’t know what the audience knows, which is that HE is the killer. When the hell did poor people become such rabid Republicans? What makes a person that drinks PBR and lives in a trailer love a guy who spends more on cuff links than most people spend on their CAR? And on the other side, it’s just as funny. Give a smartypants intellectual liberal the thing they’ve dreamed of their whole life – a black president with the middle name “Hussein”, and they’re STILL not happy.
Bottom line: When did we all forget the punchline to the question “How can you tell when a politician is lying”? Lynch them all. It’s us against THEM, not us against US.
Apple vs Microsoft
Okay, this one is just plain stupid. First of all, neither of these companies would exist at this point without the other, and they were started by the same pair of nerds that became billionaires at each company’s apex anyway. It’s quite simple really. You know those old late-night commercials that said “Order before midnight. Available in bone, tan, and black”? Windows people are the ones who always ordered bone and tan. Apple people were the ones who ordered black. Although there were certainly bumps along the way (like Windows ME, Microsoft Bob, and Clippy), let’s not forget that Microsoft actually rescued Apple from certain extinction at one point. The only real difference for a long time has been hardware design, prestige, and price. Windows people are people who, when they have five grand laying around, buy a used car. When Apple people have five grand laying around, they buy a new laptop. Windows people also don’t wear turtlenecks, or drive a Honda Element. Is that so wrong??? Macs are also for people who hate grandkids. Why the hell else does grandpa call any more, unless his “Windows is broken and he can’t get on the internets”? Anyway, this is all old news. Google is the new Evil Empire, and Android sucks more than Microsoft Publisher.
Bottom line: If you’re rich and super nerdy, set up a dual-boot Mac. If you’re not, don’t.
Gay Marriage vs Straight Marriage
I can’t even believe we’re discussing this. If you actually KNOW any gay couples, you know that they’re more fun, have cooler houses, and 50% less likely to have an affair with your spouse than partners in a straight couple. They also don’t harrass you for not being married and having children, and when they get tired of their partner, instead of getting cranky and staying married like straight people, they just hit the bars and move on. Hell, let’s face it. Married straight people are the most miserable and irritating people on Earth.
Bottom line: To Hell with gay marriage. Let’s ban marriage altogether.
Taxing the Rich & Social Programs
The most mind-numbing development in modern political debate amongst people who are too ignorant to debate politics – i.e.: THE AVERAGE CITIZEN – is the bit wherein the average broke-ass working stiff now thinks they’re part of the goddamn global elite, and think unions, food stamps, and banking regulation are BAD things. That rich GOP asshole you think is God’s gift to the human race, America, and all things patriotic? He has SEVENTEEN HOUSES. And a jet. And made all his money by sending your mom and dads’ jobs overseas, and then calling their hard earned Social Security benefits “entitlements”. Seriously. Who the f*** is the “entitled” one in this situation? People like us who work our ass off every day and can still barely pay the cable bill? Or the pricks that spend $3 Billion dollars of their Swiss bank accounts convincing us they’re not assholes so we’ll vote for them?
Bottom line: You’re stupid.
STOS vs TNG
|I’m not even going to waste time on this. The second in command on the latter was named after a basic bodily function, and the red shirts were in command. Also, JAMES FUCKING KIRK.’nough said.|