DC Gridlock usually prevents economic policy from moving from desk to desk, let alone off a cliff. But just in case, you may as well be prepared.
Now that the presidential election is over, it’s clear that the media has decided that their favorite new buzz phrase will be “Fiscal Cliff”. It’s only been a week, and any sane person is probably sick of hearing it already. But what gives? Apparently the trillions of dollars in debt and deficits we’ve been running for years suddenly matter? Did the money printing machines break down or something? Someone please fill me in. Personally, I don’t see what all the panic is about. Given the gridlock in Washington, I can’t imagine how legislators are going to drive anything ACROSS TOWN, let alone off a cliff. But this got me thinking. If you were going to drive off a cliff, what would be the ideal vehicle? Below is a quick roundup.
As a metaphor for America, this is probably the most symbolically accurate. Although the typical owner couldn’t afford it when they financed it, they use it to express their wealth and power while partying like there’s no tomorrow. Plus, it’s big and fairly solid, so in spite of all the recklessness it represents, there’s a decent chance that the driver and passengers may actually survive, although they may require life support to do so after the crash.
In the God-forsaken wasteland that is the global economy, having God on your side may be the only thing to save you. Approximately $375,000, Pope not included.
The Veyron is a great choice, because – much like investment banking – it was designed to do one simple thing, but does it in a way that is inaccessible to 99% of the world’s population, and does it with an utter disregard for fossil fuel consumption, safety, or practicality, serving only to stroke the ego of whoever is at the wheel. It also does what it does at incredible speed, but with a long and spectacular arc.
1966 Thunderbird Convertible
Hey, if it’s good enough for Thelma and Louise, it’s good enough for me.
Aston Martin DBS V12
Look. It’s one of the cars that James Bond drove. I’m sure there’s some gizmo for Fiscal Cliff situations. If not, it’s priced exorbitantly high enough to be a good metaphor for global finance.
At a half million dollars, this little baby has all the same things going for it as the Veyron in terms of being a symbol for the vulgarity that can come with stratospheric wealth, but it has the added benefit that you’ll have a great view of the canyon as you plummet to your death.
The road to the Fiscal Cliff is bound to be a political minefield, so what better choice than a “Mine-Resistant Ambush Protected” vehicle? Plus, it looks so badass that you’ll hardly care what anyone thinks about where you’re headed, and when you get there, who knows – maybe all its badassness will actually protect you when you crash into the valley below, or – as they say in the military – you “achieve maximum surface contact”.
In spite of having a lot metaphorically in common with the Escalade, this is a far superior choice in terms of survivability. Aside from the accordion effect of such a long vehicle hitting nose-first, as long as you choose the most rearward seat, your fall would additionally be cushioned by the bevy of hookers you brought a long.
Only choose the Volvo V40 if you actually want to survive. It set records on international safety tests last year, and as you can see, it is racing toward a cliff RIGHT NOW, as if to prove how ready it is. Parts and service will be costlier than with a domestic vehicle, but you won’t care, because as with all these scenarios, you’ll probably be on life support of some kind anyway.
Nothing says “austerity” like a Ford Fiesta. It’s even built in Spain! Just don’t go over the Fiscal Cliff at speeds faster than 45 miles an hour, or you’ll end up like this.
Moller M400 Skycar
Yeah, Right. If it existed! Much like the eternal financial bliss that Alan Greenspan told us was in our future, this thing suffered from a lot of irrational exuberance, and never became a reality.