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Predictions & Resolutions For 2011

Topics: Lifestyle & Culture | Add A CommentBy admin | January 1, 2011

One of the only predictions we’re confident about is that our resolutions will fail. And what the heck do we call this decade, anyway?


One prediction we’re pretty sure of
is that you’ll break your resolutions

So. The new year is upon us, which means we can finally get a break from all those annoying Best of 2010 lists. But wait, what’s this? They’re making best of 2011 lists already? Best cars, best stocks, best kiteboarding gear? Ah well, I guess we may as well get used to this; as you may have read on the Google Blog, Google will soon know what we’re searching for before we do. Until then though, for many of us the first of the year is still a time to make resolutions. And then break them a few weeks later. As I said last year, you can start the resolutions without me. To me, the most interesting thing about 2011 is the fact that it marks the end of the decade that cannot be named. And introduces a new problem about what to call the decade we’re in. The whole noughts vs oughts vs 0′s argument is a tired trope. But what the heck are we going to call this decade? It can’t be the “teens”, because at best, only seven of its years end in “teen”. So one of my few resolutions this year is to stop pondering such an inane question. Feel free to enlighten me if there’s an intelligent answer though. Which leaves us then with the inevitable “predictions and hot trends” motif. This year, if you peruse the web a bit, this theme ranges from the peculiar and perhaps desperate Eleven 3D Printing Predictions For the Year 2011 over at the usually respectable TechCrunch.com, to the flat out, tinfoil-hat, batshit insane End Of Days kind of stuff. The only prediction we’re absolutely confident about is that more than 90% of these predictions will be wrong. Bearing in mind of course the words of an oft-quoted friend of ours who points out that 77.3% of all statistics mentioned in casual conversation are inaccurate. Although these predictions for 2011 from 1931 were in some ways uncanny in their accuracy. In any case, we’re not about to let these trivial issues of accuracy and general banality stop US from making a few predictions and resolutions below. Do YOU have any predictions or resolutions for 2011?

Editorial Resolutions For 2011

We will stop abusing italics and underlining to add inflection to our writing, and rely strictly on natural and articulate speech patterns. We MIGHT still use the caps lock key on occasion though.

We I will stop referring to myself as we, in spite of our my failure to procure proper medication for our my various personality disorders. Unless of course we are appointed Queen by the Church of England.

Should we I fail in adhering to the resolution above, we I will finally take on additional writers. Even if they only contribute once or twice a year, this will retroactively render all previous misuse of first person plural pronouns acceptable.

Some Predictions For 2011

After years of being perceived as sexually harassing rent-a-cops because of their blue shirts and compulsive groin groping tendencies, the TSA will be issued much more suitable brown ones. With red, black, and white armbands.
Nancy Pelosi will fall on the Capitol steps and the ensuing injury will reveal mechanical and electronic body parts, finally exposing her as an animatronic Republican plant.
One of Saddam Hussein’s body doubles will go public claiming that he himself is Hussein, risen from the dead. In a move that shocks US government officials but no-one else, the Iraqi people immediately elect him president.
Intrigued by the discovery of sentient slime mold in Alaska in 2008, scientists do further research and discover that there are in fact millions of sentient beings living in the area.
The internet-based community known as Anonymous will hack WikiLeaks’ servers, exposing Julian Assange as an operative of the US shadow government, operated by Dick Cheney from an undisclosed location since the 2008 elections.
In a fit of jealous rage, one of Dick Cheney and Karl Rove’s transsexual concubines will further blow their cover by revealing that they are both North Korean spies, and that the diplomatic cables were all faked in an effort to dismantle the established power structure in Washington, only appearing to be accurate leaks as a bizarre coincidence.