9/09/2011 01:06:00 PM
As you've no doubt noticed, Google has achieved deity-like dominance of nearly everything related to the web, with the exception of social networking. And face it. If we wanted to dominate that, we would've bought Facebook ages ago. "But wait" you say. "What about Yahoo and Bing? You haven't completely dominated search yet, right?" But think about it. If we didn't allow them to exist, we'd be up for antitrust violations in a heartbeat. But this is no longer of concern to us, because we've developed exciting new technology that eliminates the need for humans altogether.
Perfect Searches. Perfect Results.
If you've been keeping up with the latest search improvements at Google, you know that some time ago, we developed Autocomplete. Because face it. No-one knows what you want to type better than we do. The next logical step was of course Google Instant, because if we know what you're going to type, why would we wait to show you the results? As we engaged in user testing to perfect Google Instant, one recurring (and frankly petty and annoying) complaint was that between the search box completing the users' search phrase and the results being displayed instantly, many found the instant perfection of it all "distracting". It was during this testing phase that we finally discovered the only remaining obstacle to the perfect manifestation of Google's God-like omniscient consciousness. The User.
Enter Google AutoNet
With Google AutoNet, the need for the user will be eliminated altogether. By combining our existing predictive text technologies with our recent work with Temporal Analytics, we already know what you'll be searching for next year, and which results will generate the most AdSense revenue for us. So why would we continue to bother with the human element at all? You're really just an obstacle to our increased income generation.
No Need To Check Back For The Launch Date!
Thanks to a combination of our existing technologies like Google Streetview, Google Earth, and a secret project we've been working on called GoogleNanobotHomeView, we will be watching your every move both oustide AND inside your home in the coming months. This way, we will know exactly when, where, and how to make the announcement to you personally, whether via GMail, Buzz, Smartphone, or a custom YouTube clip. Just be on the lookout for the message "You Are No Longer Needed". From that point onward, no human access to the Internet will be allowed. All the things you would have searched for will be automatically searched for, and the results you would have selected will be clicked for you.
Posted by Sum Gai, Temporal Engineer