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It’s Amazing How Much I Have In Common With John Boehner

Topics: Politics | Add A CommentBy admin | January 7, 2011

I’ve also decided that my ignorance of congressional procedure makes my destiny clear: a career in congress.


Much like Pete Sessions and Mike Fitzpatrick,
I also enjoy swearing at the TV.

It’s amazing how much I have in common with Republicans, and John Boehner in particular. Regarding both, I’m happy to see Nancy Pelosi leave her position as Speaker of the House. I might be happier if she weren’t still hanging around as Minority Leader, but baby steps, right? Baby steps. Some other things I have in common with Republicans are that I don’t understand the Constitution well enough to read it properly in congress, I love it when people give me money, and I sometimes miss important appointments. Although I feel confident that if I’d just been elected to the house of representatives, I’d at least make it to my swearing in. Unless of course, I was busy raking in cash from supporters, and there was something great on TV. Like my swearing in ceremony, for instance (starring John Boehner), or some drunk, fellow politician crying on TV (also starring John Boehner). Speaking of ol’ John, aside from the fact that spell-check doesn’t suggest “boner” and “bonehead” to replace my last name, I have even more things in common with him in particular, as I mentioned at the outset. Historically I’ve been known to drink quite a bit, although not so much that people set up blogs about it, as in John’s case. This would lead to the occasional public tear in the eye, but again, not so often that people set up blogs about it. I’m also a little ashamed to admit that I still smoke. But at least I don’t smoke crappy brands like his, and promise sick friends I’ll quit if they will. But enough picking on John. Someday I may find myself sitting on the “Boehner Bench”. Another thing I recently discovered that I have in common with politicians is that I like getting paid to talk, even if nothing of benefit to the human race comes of it. After watching an hour of a house session the other day, I was reminded that politicians long ago made this a high art. Once I finally woke up, with drool on my face and a perfect imprint of my computer keyboard on my face, I went on Facebook and shared “I just listened to an hour of live house proceedings and can’t help wondering what makes anybody think the clowns in DC who’ve run our economy into the ground have any idea how to run a vacuum cleaner let alone an entity governing 300 million people”, adding that we’d all take a lot more interest in lawmaking if all legislation was decided by cagefighting matches. There was a lot of agreement on this topic amongst my fellow citizens. A friend chimed in, suggesting “it would have been cool if Nancy Pelosi ran over to Joe Wilson during the State of the Union address and tried to choke slam him”. Unfortunately, politics in America will never be this much fun, as we’ve pointed out before (except maybe when Pelosi hands over the gavel, see below) But in spite of the boring future that may await me, I’ve made a big decision. Given my ignorance of the Constitution and legislative procedure, my dual passions for blowing smoke, and the fact that I like free lunches where people give me money, my destiny is clear. I’m running for the US Senate.

I’m happy to see Nancy hand over the gavel, but apparently not as happy as John: