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Did You Check The Elf-Help Section?

Topics: Lifestyle & Culture | 1 CommentBy admin | December 18, 2009

In spite of the limited career options, a lot of people dream of being an elf. Or maybe obsess would be a better word. Elfing yourself is one thing, but maybe elf ear body mods and elf sex fan fiction is going just a little too far?

I saw the first few minutes of the movie Elf at a friend’s house the other night, and Papa Elf’s outline of the career options for an elf caught my attention, since I had recently referenced the racial oppression that Santa’s elves have to endure. Papa Elf only mentioned Keebler Elves (who of course have to be on guard for marauding squirrels), the shoemaker’s elves, and Santa’s elves. He left out the really freaky aspects of the shoemaker’s elf story, i.e.: two nude elves slave away night after night, making shoes that make the shoemaker and his wife filthy rich before they think to bother to repay the elves by making them ONE outfit of clothes. And he didn’t say anything about the the tragic exploitation of Santa’s elves. You think they enjoy living in the coldest, most isolated place on the planet, working in toy factories year ’round? Hardly. The fact is that they’re being exploited for their OCD-like industriousness and pathological positivism. Tragically, this abuse sometimes leads to insane and criminal behavior. But in spite of the obvious career dead-end that being an elf seems to offer, there are still plenty of people who dream of being one, so we’re here to help. First of all, you’ll need a special elfin name. Thanks to the Elf Name Generator I will have to insist that henceforth you shall refer to me as “Arthanu”, which means “Exalted Male”. Notice how I already started using words like “shall” and “henceforth”? It works! Next, you’ll need to choose a level of commitment. You could do the virtual thing and Elf Yourself, but you’d just be taking part in the terminal stages of a five-year-old Office Max viral infection. One alternative would be My Face LOL, which offers more video choices, and a little less brand-building. If virtual elfing isn’t your thing, you could implement instructables.com’s realistic elf ears in 5 minutes guide, and then just pick up a sleazy elf costume from Amazon. But for some, this simply won’t be enough. You may not realize how deep this obsession can go; there are elf sex fanfiction sites, people who spend all their time subtitling Lord of the Rings clips in Elfish, and really bad Flash games where you dress scantily clad elf chicks. But for the truly commited, the only option is elf ear body mods. And if you’re going to go that far, it might be pretty cool to see if this woman will make you an amazing set of elf wings like these to expand on the getup. As crazy as her expensive and meticulously executed idea seems, I’m a little embarrassed to admit that – like some kind of LOTR nerd – I briefly “fell in Internet love” with her. She’s not only gorgeous, but clearly a hardworking obsessive genius (and since I’m drawn to her, almost certainly married or a lesbian). In any case, see the “making of” video here. Pretty impressive. So in spite of the fact that we’ve wandered away from the realm of the “cute and tiny” variety of elves a bit here, I was left wondering: has anyone done a reindeer antler body mod? This is the closest I could find. A body mod not to be confused with ass antlers.

If you think this is a little crazy and obsessive…

…then you’ve never seen this:

The making of the amazing “The Avariel” wings:

Sometimes the abuse of North Pole elves leads to criminal insantity:

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