Yes, we’re pulling out all the stops for your Cyber Monday shopping fun on Amazon

Everybody knows that the shopping that we do on Black Friday is really just a desperate attempt to get along with annoying relatives that are visiting for the holiday, which partly explains why per-shopper sales were down 8% from last year. The other reason those Friday sales were down is because everyone is slowly learning that the Monday after a holiday isn’t for getting back to work, it’s for shopping on line while getting paid. As a borderline socialist, I of course have mixed feelings about how much you shop today, but as an Amazon affiliate, I have a keen interest in helping you shop to your heart’s content. As long as you do it through our product links and search tools. To that end, I want to help you realize that Amazon sells more than books. Maybe you need some Liquid Ass Fart Spray, or have been looking for that perfect product to help you Stop Eating Poop. Or maybe you’ve been meaning to out yourself for a while, but haven’t had the nerve. Try some Man to Man Gay Attraction Body Mist to get things rolling, and if it is your first time, consider pulling out all the stops and picking up a Dr.J Anal Dilator Kit. Yes, Amazon has it all. Thinking of starting a war, or a business? Why not order up a Badonkadonk Land Cruiser/Tank or a NorTrac Bulldozer? The bulldozer will be handy for clearing the lot for your Self-Contained Branded Drive-Thru Kit. No more waiting in line at McDonald’s, and it’s only $89,000.00! Speaking of McDonald’s: as an American, you probably already know what fat looks like, but don’t let that stop you from picking up a Five-Pound Fat Replica. Interestingly, the “Frequently Bought Together” suggestion on that page lists “Five-Pound Fat Replica, One-Pound Fat Replica, One-pound Muscle Replica“, which is probably pretty close to the average American’s fat-to-muscle ratio. Moving along, if you’re looking for a gift for the nutjob conspiracy theorist in you life, give them a little peace of mind with a professional UFO Detector. As one customer shared in the reviews: “I purchased this item and am blown away by its effectiveness. I started this device up and immediately detected not one, not two, but five seperate UFOs in my immediate area. I am currently working on a way to communicate with what I assume is an intelligent species visiting our planet, but so far, I have been unsuccessful. I am waiting to see if this company will be selling a UFO communications device in the near future. If it is anything like this detector, I will be extremely happy. Thank you for a great product !” This same friend of yours may be interested in a copy of People Who Don’t Know They’re Dead: How They Attach Themselves to Unsuspecting Bystanders and What to Do About It , or perhaps Children of the Matrix: How an Interdimensional Race has Controlled the World for Thousands of Years-and Still Does. You think that books like these and How Green Were the Nazis?: Nature, Environment, and Nation in the Third Reich don’t make it onto Oprah’s book club lists because of the content, but it’s really just because the titles are too bloody long. And speaking of bloody, if you’re British, we’d just like to point out that the Cunt Coloring Book (maybe NSFW, unless you work in a gynecologist’s office) isn’t a book of pictures of your pals that you can color. And on that note, if you don’t speak English at all (and in keeping with the theme of ridiculously long titles) consider a copy of English as a Second F*cking Language: How to Swear Effectively, Explained in Detail with Numerous Examples Taken From Everyday Life. So you see, Amazon really does sell much more than books. And I defy you not only to come up with stranger items than I have, but to BUY THEM.

They also sell really BIG books. Bhutan: A Visual Odyssey Across the Last Himalayan Kingdom is 5 feet by 7 feet. And only $30,000.00!

Here’s a handy search tool to help you get started: