Monday Misogyny
[ 1 Comment ]Posted on November 9, 2009 by admin in Editorial & Opinion
Monday, November 9th, 2009By request, we’ve brought back our Monday Demotivators. But just this once. We’re pretty sure no-one will ask again, after this edition’s militaristic racism and misogyny, brought to you in part by Best Buy and Nokia.
 Much like the US military, Fragger lets you bomb dark people for no apparent reason. |
A number of people have asked what happened to our Monday Demotivators. Well, the fact that it seemed that the vast majority of Flash games are based on animal torture, random violence, and general acts of futility finally wore me down. That, and the fact that I hate Flash games (o_O). So we’ll do this one more time, in the interest of pleasing our visitors. Besides. We may have covered animal torture and random violence, but we forgot racist militarism and misogyny. First up, we have Fragger, in which, much like the US military, you bomb unarmed dark people for no apparent reason. That game’s catapult feature will be good practice for Cheerleader Toss, in which you fling a helpless cheerleader around a basketball court. A moment of violence against women brought to you by Nokia and Best Buy*. Apparently there’s a real-world version too. Along the same lines, if you find the idea of a grabbing a woman’s breasts to cause varying degrees of discomfort while a disco soundtrack plays to be an offensive idea, please, for the love of God, don’t try Booby Blast (very NSFW), which appears to benefit no-one, not even a sponsor. Unlike Super Jump, which, while maintaining the misogyny theme, appears to be an ad for a British motorcycle insurance firm. It at least hints at being an equal opportunity abuser; while you try to get women naked by showing them the “length of your jump”, they tell you how small it is. *Sigh*. Only the British. But enough human-on-human violence for for now, let’s explore a little human-on-duck violence. You may have noticed a little duck Read the rest of this entry »
Tired Of Video Games? Hack Your Brain With Ping Pong Balls Instead
[ Comments Off ]Posted on July 13, 2009 by admin in Lifestyle & Culture
Monday, July 13th, 2009Worried that you have an Internet or video game addiction? Maybe you should try doing drugs or something.
Due to the recent discovery of the tragic and perhaps incurable First-Person Shooter Disease (see the clip at left), we’re taking a break from the mindless Flash games usually highlighted in our weekly Monday morning time-wasters to take a more serious look at the damaging effects of video games and the Internet. While in the west we’re still debating whether or not there’s some kind of addictive disorder related to surfing and gaming, the Chinese have not only decided there is, they’ve set up boot camps to deal with the problem. After doing a little informal research, it becomes clear that they’re on the right track. The three most noteworthy gaming-related deaths were all Asian*; a Chinese gamer who killed someone over an imaginary sword, a Korean man who died after a marathon gaming session at an Internet cafe, and a Vietnamese kid who killed a woman for video game money. So let’s look at alternatives to sitting at the computer. How about self-induced hallucinations without drugs? Or better yet, with drugs? If, like me, you don’t feel like actually doing drugs, the book The Beyond Within
Dude, Don’t Harsh My Monday Mellow
[ Comments Off ]Posted on June 29, 2009 by admin in Editorial & Opinion
Monday, June 29th, 2009This weeks Monday Demotivators starts out on a light theme, but pretty soon the morning is shot, and it’s all downhill after that.
We received another complaint recently that our Monday Demotivators had strayed from the clever games and puzzles that force one to use their head a little. Don’t you people have anything nice to say? Well, we’re here to please. So go ahead and bang your head, and thanks for your input. But seriously, for those who for whatever reason actually like thinking on a Monday morning, we have Light Bot. Program the moves of the little robot, and click go. The objective is to light up the blue squares. Continuing to keep things light this morning, try Nodes 2, in which you line up lasers before the bomb goes off. That game takes advantage of the fact that rearranging little red lines on computer a screen is MUCH more exciting with an Electrobeat soundtrack. And if you don’t believe us, just try Laser Logic, which doesn’t have an Electrobeat soundtrack. If you’re still awake after that one, we always try to include some form of murder for the more morally degenerate homicidal types amongst you. Today we have Ultimate Assassination 2, which frankly should be called Ultimate Ant-sassination 2; although an amusing game, you feel more like you’re killing little bugs than people. And it’s all downhill from here. To finish Harshing Your Monday Mellow, we have Gnarshmallow. A simple but challenging skiing game that seems to take the little bugs from the last game and put them on a ski slope. Crashtastical, dude. Just don’t blast a dookie.
Avoid Food While Waiting For Sperm Rider To Load
[ Comments Off ]Posted on June 15, 2009 by admin in Editorial & Opinion
Monday, June 15th, 2009If thumb wrestling is your idea of a workout, we have some fun things lined up to help derail your Monday morning.
  Is this your idea of exercise? |
I’ll probably never have a legitimate reason to say that again in this lifetime, but as a headline for this week’s Monday Demotivators, there’s absolutely nothing gratuitous in the phrase. So let’s get (ahem) rolling. Here’s a game a lot of us fat Americans should try (don’t think you’re fat? Check the NIH Body Mass Calculator first, you might be surprised). Anyway, the object of Sprinster is simply to avoid food. ‘nough said. To help you avoid food, pretty much for the rest of the day, try 5 Fingers Fillet. I think the name is warning enough. Not for the faint-hearted. Who dreams this crap up, anyway, and why, in the name of God, do I link to it? Oh yeah. Revenue. So, moving along. Sperm Rider takes forever to load (did I really just type that?) but there’s something entrancing about piloting a cowboy stick figure who’s riding a huge sperm through an urban landscape to a stripped-down cowpunk soundtrack. I didn’t even care what my score was. Much like in Super Lava Jumper, which tells you “Oops you died. No worries though” when you fail. This, while a boinky late 90′s house soundtrack plays at 120 decibels. If you like pixelated games with crappy soundtracks, you might also want to try Heavy Metal Girl, which is a little less relaxed about your death, and much more intent on providing it. And if love is more your thing, try Romeo, in which (much like life) you round up volumes of Shakespeare that you will never read, while you search for true love. Want my opinion? Go to the cafe. The odds of meeting someone are a lot better there than if you sit here playing dumb Flash games all day. And get some exercise while you’re at it. Maybe start with something easy, like Thumb Wrestling
Simple But Non-Trivial Pursuit
[ Comments Off ]Posted on May 11, 2009 by admin in Editorial & Opinion
Monday, May 11th, 2009Trivial Pursuit is for sissies. This week’s Monday morning time-killers explore whether or not you can handle a NON trivial pursuit. If you can, maybe you can also tell us what the heck it actually means.
Out of over a trillion pages in Google’s index, you had to end up here. Our apologies. Odds are that with that many web pages in existence, a huge number of them will be a banal waste of your time. And that, in fact, is the objective of our Monday Demotivators. This week we’re going to explore simplicity and triviality, which is what you’re probably engaged in if you’re at work right now anyway. The difference is, we don’t pay you! But we’re wasting time. Let’s get rolling. On wasting more of it. The “Eight Queens Puzzle” is a classic example of a “simple but non-trivial” problem. Try arranging 8 queens on a chessboard in such a way that no two queens would be able to attack each other. There are 4,426,165,368 possible arrangements of eight queens on the board, but only 92 solutions. The image at left gets you 3/8 of the way there. Good luck. 3D Logic, a cube-based color pattern puzzle also appears rather simple at first. Things get a little hairy at level 6. Let us know if you get to the level where it tranforms into a 4-dimensional hypercube. We don’t know that it actually does that, but it sounds cool, doesn’t it? If you like your non-trivial simplicity in the form of word puzzles, try this: “A young woman goes to the funeral of her mother. There she meets a man whom she has never met before. She identifies him as the man of her dreams and immediately falls in love. Two days later she kills her sister. Why?” (We’ll post the answer in the comments if anyone asks.) And lastly, if you prefer trivial simplicity, we have some stick people for you. Sure, they’re simple. But when given the choice of killing them or saving their lives, do they still seem trivial? You decide. Hope you have a simple, non-trivial Monday!