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[ Add A Comment ]Posted on February 14, 2011 by admin in Holidays
Monday, February 14th, 2011Don’t be stupid. Be cupid. We have lots of Valentine’s day gift ideas, but if you only give one gift today, give some love. Damn. I wish Facebook had a LOVE button.
  Careful, that Love Gun is loaded, ’cause even Outkast knows that Every Day Is Valentine’s Day |
Happy Valentine’s day everybody. Especially you angry guys that were spreading your anti-romance propaganda all over the comments on our recent piece Last Minute Valentine Gifts For Romance Impaired Misogynists. You probably need some lovin’ more than anybody. Some people feel that Valentine’s Day has become a hollow Hallmark holiday, commercialized into meaninglessness just like Christmas. Which is partly true; I mean, why else would we spend so much time putting together clever but opportunistic Amazon product linkfests like our suggestions for personalized Valentine’s gifts (because you know, nothing says “personalized” like setting up a slave labor manufacturing facility in China and mass producing cheap gifts with customized messages on them). Or Valentines Day & Love Is Like Christmas At The Mall & Jesus . Or Valentine’s Day 2009: Is That Love Gun Loaded? Because nothing says “I Love You” like a $40,000 watch. Or any of our other offbeat Valentine gift ideas . If you really loved us, you’d buy something through those darn product links. Because nothing says “I love you” like a monthly commission check, right? But this crass commercialization of Valentine’s day is only a small part of the fun. If you’ve got your undies in a bunch about the whole thing, you’re doing it wrong. Or wait. I guess that depends on where your undies are in a bunch, and how they got there. The thing is, any holiday can suck, if you try hard enough. You can let external forces make you miserable, pondering things like whether or not edible panties are too intimate a gift for a third date, or whether you got the great table at the right restaurant, or – like those angry men we referenced earlier – sitting around bitching about why SHE isn’t doing all the spending. As we pointed out last year in Love Me, Love My Dog, men outspend women almost two to one. But if you do these things, you’re missing the point, and missing the fun. If you strip Valentine’s Day down to its essential meaning, it’s about expressing LOVE. And there’s nothin’ wrong with love. So do yourself and everybody else a favor. Chill out, and spread a little. If you spent ten bucks on those cheap grade-school Valentine cards for everybody at the office instead of grudgingly buying someone a bunch of roses or a pricey dinner, you’d be surprised at how many more smiles you see today, and how much better you feel. Personally, I think Outkast has it right with the idea that EVERY day is Valentine’s Day, which is why I think I think I’ll give Happy Valentine’s Day
Last Minute Valentine Gifts For Romance Impaired Misogynists
[ 21 Comments ]Posted on February 5, 2011 by admin in Holidays
Saturday, February 5th, 2011The very words “Last Minute Valentine Gifts” kind of suggest a problem. Why not just own up to your misogyny and buy a copy of Marc Rudov’s “Under the Clitoral Hood: How to Crank Her Engine Without Cash, Booze or Jumper Cables”
We’ve already shared a lot of other Valentine Gift Ideas, but are you a man who is sick and tired of these sexist, gender-lopsided traditions of Valentine’s Day? Or perhaps a woman who is sick and tired of the man in your life, who claims he’s sick and tired of the sexist, gender-lopsided traditions of Valentine’s Day, so he can get out of buying you Valentine’s gifts? Well, I think we’ve found the perfect gift for both of you. If you’re the woman in this scenario, you can buy it for the man, to help make him go away. And if you’re the man, you can maintain your thinly-veiled misogynistic pride by buying yourself a copy. And after you’ve validated all your bogus values of equality based on anti-feminism, you can start a bromance with Marc Rudov, and enjoy an endless string of chick-bashing man dates together. I’m referring, of course, to any of the “books” by Mark Rudov, including The Man’s No-Nonsense Guide to Women: How to Succeed in Romance on Planet Earth
Chinese New Year 2011 – The Year of The Metal Rabbit
[ Add A Comment ]Posted on February 2, 2011 by admin in Holidays
Wednesday, February 2nd, 2011It’s interesting that in our anglocentrism we call the first day of the Chinese year 4078 “Chinese New Year 2011″. So what does the Chinese Year of the Metal Rabbit have in store for us? Ask your Feng Shui stockbroker.
  Red envelopes with money in them are a traditional Chinese New Year Gift. We’re not Chinese, so you can just use Paypal to wish us a happy new year if you like. |
If – like many Americans – you’re ignorant of even the most basic aspects of other cultures, what better time to learn something about them than Chinese New Year? Especially since if things keep going the way they have been, there’s a good chance that you’ll be providing the cheap labor for their foreign manufacturing instead of the other way around, as you’re accustomed. To paraphrase Yakov Schmirnoff: “In capitalist China, cheap labor utilizes YOU“. So why not prepare to impress your future employer now? My first experience with Chinese New Year was kind of interesting; I once managed a Chinese restaurant for several years. Each year, about a month after the western new year, I created my own tradition by granting myself a kind of amnesty for my failed new year’s resolutions. This seemed totally acceptable at the time; as far as I could ascertain, even after working side by side with Chinese people every day for three years, all Chinese New Year meant was a nice bonus from the boss, eating a huge dinner, playing a lot more Mah Jong than usual, and maybe receiving a brightly-colored tin of Moon Cakes (not to be confused with Moon Pies
Personalized Valentine’s Day Gift Ideas
[ 1 Comment ]Posted on January 27, 2011 by admin in Holidays
Thursday, January 27th, 2011Because you know, nothing says “personalized” like setting up a slave labor manufacturing facility in China and mass producing cheap gifts with customized messages on them.
  If the passion is still there, the message in the boxers should be loud and clear without personalizing them. |
Today I was searching for Valentine gift ideas on the web. Not that I have anyone to give them to this year or anything, I do this for YOU, because obviously, if you’re reading this, you’re someone who’s so unimaginative that you search the web for Valentine gifts. You NEED me. Which is why we have so many gift ideas for Valentine’s Day on the site. Anyway, you know how there are always those little suggestions at the bottom of the search results? Of course you do. I forgot. You’re the kind of person who searches the web for gift ideas. So two really caught my eye this year. One was “Valentine gift ideas for teacher”. At first I was all like “Oh. My. God. This whole thing with the sexy teacher love is really getting out of hand!”, imagining some 17 year old guy shopping for red teddies for his history teacher. Then it dawned on me that I’m a really sick person, and that it was actually pretty normal in grade school to give the teacher a Valentine, and that the current generation of soccer moms probably did this a lot as part of greasing the grade machine for their exhausted mommy-track children. The other search suggestion was intriguing though. It was “Personalized Valentine Gift”. Because you know, nothing says “personalized” like setting up a slave labor manufacturing facility in China and mass-producing cheap gifts with customized messages on them. So that’s what we’re bringing you today. Some money and labor saving tips for finding the perfect personalized Valentine gift. As opposed to those not personalized Valentine gifts that we’re always giving the only person we’ll ever love. Below are some strategies and gift ideas to get you going this Valentine’s Day. Read the rest of this entry »
Valentine’s Day Gift Ideas To Win Back Your Ex-Girlfriend
[ Add A Comment ]Posted on January 15, 2011 by admin in Holidays
Saturday, January 15th, 2011Five Valentine gift ideas that may help you rekindle the fire of love. Because boyfriends are easy to come by, but girlfriends have to be earned. Strangely, most of these gifts are for yourself.
  Wherein we finally explain why pink roses were chosen to express unrequited love. |
For many of us, Valentine’s Day is a time for candlelight dinners, champagne, and romantic gifts to express our undying passion for our loved ones. But for some of us, Valentine’s Day is a time of composing and re-composing bizarre love letters to people who had no idea we were stalking them, or obsessing about the one who left us over a year ago, by pounding a 12 pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon while playing video games with our dorky friends who are still virgins at twenty-six. We’ve previously shared lots of off the wall Valentine’s Day gift ideas, but this year, we thought we’d take a look at the still suffering love-a-holic, and offer suggestions for how to win back that ex-girlfriend who was probably your last hope for any kind of healthy connection with humanity and a normal social life. First up, if you want to keep it classy and send roses, don’t send red or white ones. The traditional color for “unrequited love” is pink. I think I finally figured out the reason for this tradition. First of all, although roses are a beautiful flower, pink ones are somehow just, I don’t know, PINK. Their beauty pales in comparison to a bold red or crisp white. Pink was probably established for this purpose for two reasons. First, they prove that a guy really means it. Unless you’re a classic romantic, buying pink flowers are a sure sign that you’re GAY. And second, the second rate beauty of a pink roses makes it MUCH easier for a woman to chuck over a hundred dollars’ worth of flowers in the wastebin, which is almost certainly where the majority of pink roses end up. So you’ll probably want to skip the whole “unrequited love” thing. It’s pricey, and probably ineffective. Below are a few gift ideas to really help you win back that lost love. Strangely, most of them are gifts for you, because probably the only way you’ll win her back is by being the man you aren’t. Read the rest of this entry »