Holidays

« Older Entries | Newer Entries »

Last Minute Valentine Gifts For Romance Impaired Misogynists

[ 21 Comments ]Posted on February 5, 2011 by admin in Holidays

Saturday, February 5th, 2011

The very words “Last Minute Valentine Gifts” kind of suggest a problem. Why not just own up to your misogyny and buy a copy of Marc Rudov’s “Under the Clitoral Hood: How to Crank Her Engine Without Cash, Booze or Jumper Cables”

We’ve already shared a lot of other Valentine Gift Ideas, but are you a man who is sick and tired of these sexist, gender-lopsided traditions of Valentine’s Day? Or perhaps a woman who is sick and tired of the man in your life, who claims he’s sick and tired of the sexist, gender-lopsided traditions of Valentine’s Day, so he can get out of buying you Valentine’s gifts? Well, I think we’ve found the perfect gift for both of you. If you’re the woman in this scenario, you can buy it for the man, to help make him go away. And if you’re the man, you can maintain your thinly-veiled misogynistic pride by buying yourself a copy. And after you’ve validated all your bogus values of equality based on anti-feminism, you can start a bromance with Marc Rudov, and enjoy an endless string of chick-bashing man dates together. I’m referring, of course, to any of the “books” by Mark Rudov, including The Man’s No-Nonsense Guide to Women: How to Succeed in Romance on Planet Earth or Under the Clitoral Hood: How to Crank Her Engine Without Cash, Booze or Jumper Cables. We put the word “books” in quotes, because The Man’s No-Nonsense Guide to Women appears to be the only one that made it into actual book form. The rest are just over-priced eBooks. We were going to pick up a copy of “Under the Clitoral Hood” so we could review it, until we realized it was a 55 PAGE EBOOK FOR $9.95 and decided to pass. Besides, Rudov’s message can easily be overheard any night of the week at a sports bar or strip club for free. And his personality type isn’t hard to suss out either; with free teaser downloads like Her Double-D’s Can Bankrupt You (PDF) and the admonishment on the “buy” page that “You can open and print this document as many times as you wish on the computer in which you installed and unlocked it. I can monitor this usage and deactivate your key if you abuse this privilege“, it’s clear that Rudov is a self-righteous, homophobic, breast-fearing, love-damaged control freak. An assumption we think is probably validated by the warm welcome he seems to receive on Bill O’Reilly’s Fox TV program. So. All you latently homosexual men who hate Valentine’s Day, rejoice! You finally have someone to share bro jobs with. And you can do it on Rudov’s Nomance Day . Oh. And if for some reason you need an image of the cover of one of Rudov’s books, brace yourself if you do a Google Image Search for “Under the Clitoral Hood”.

Read the rest of this entry »

Chinese New Year 2011 – The Year of The Metal Rabbit

[ Add A Comment ]Posted on February 2, 2011 by admin in Holidays

Wednesday, February 2nd, 2011

It’s interesting that in our anglocentrism we call the first day of the Chinese year 4078 “Chinese New Year 2011″. So what does the Chinese Year of the Metal Rabbit have in store for us? Ask your Feng Shui stockbroker.



Red envelopes with money in them are a
traditional Chinese New Year Gift. We’re
not Chinese, so you can just use Paypal
to wish us a happy new year if you like.

If – like many Americans – you’re ignorant of even the most basic aspects of other cultures, what better time to learn something about them than Chinese New Year? Especially since if things keep going the way they have been, there’s a good chance that you’ll be providing the cheap labor for their foreign manufacturing instead of the other way around, as you’re accustomed. To paraphrase Yakov Schmirnoff: “In capitalist China, cheap labor utilizes YOU“. So why not prepare to impress your future employer now? My first experience with Chinese New Year was kind of interesting; I once managed a Chinese restaurant for several years. Each year, about a month after the western new year, I created my own tradition by granting myself a kind of amnesty for my failed new year’s resolutions. This seemed totally acceptable at the time; as far as I could ascertain, even after working side by side with Chinese people every day for three years, all Chinese New Year meant was a nice bonus from the boss, eating a huge dinner, playing a lot more Mah Jong than usual, and maybe receiving a brightly-colored tin of Moon Cakes (not to be confused with Moon Pies, of course). Whenever I asked about the traditions of Chinese New Year and the whole “Year of the [Insert Animal]” thing, I got the same kind of answer you’d get from an American when you ask them about their holidays. A sort of muttering “well, I think maybe it’s because, um….” followed by a round of speculative discussion amongst a bunch of people who had no idea what they were talking about, with a stealthy transition back to the partying at hand. For some reason though, this year I couldn’t tolerate my own ignorance any more, and decided to do some research. You should pay attention here too. It’s always good to learn about other cultures, right? Even if it doesn’t promote global harmony and understanding, at least you end up knowing exactly why you fear or hate an entire race of people you’ve never met face to face. So first of all, you need to understand that the reason the date of Chinese New Year is never the same on the western calendar is that the Chinese calendar is Lunisolar, rather than Solar, like the western calendar. Which sounds technical, but it’s actually quite simple. The Chinese calendar has twelve months, just like ours, and every second or third year it has an intercalary month to make things work out. Wikipedia breaks it down for us: “The sun always passes the winter solstice during month 11. If there are 12 months between two successive occurrences of month 11, not counting either month 11, at least one of these 12 months must be a month during which the sun remains within the same zodiac sign throughout (no principal term or cusp occurs within it). If only one such month occurs, it is designated intercalary, but if two such months occur…..” OKAY, OKAY! Never mind that. All you need to do to know what Chinese year it is and when to celebrate the new year is look it up on the internets! For a little background though, you might find it interesting to read a little about the Chinese Zodiac, which explains why the year 4078 (2011 in the west) is the Year of the Rabbit, and what that really means. And if you really want to chase this down the rabbit hole, it happens to be the year of the Metal Rabbit, which according to Feng Shui investment experts is going to be volatile.

Personalized Valentine’s Day Gift Ideas

[ 1 Comment ]Posted on January 27, 2011 by admin in Holidays

Thursday, January 27th, 2011

Because you know, nothing says “personalized” like setting up a slave labor manufacturing facility in China and mass producing cheap gifts with customized messages on them.


If the passion is still there, the message
in the boxers should be loud and
clear without personalizing them.

Today I was searching for Valentine gift ideas on the web. Not that I have anyone to give them to this year or anything, I do this for YOU, because obviously, if you’re reading this, you’re someone who’s so unimaginative that you search the web for Valentine gifts. You NEED me. Which is why we have so many gift ideas for Valentine’s Day on the site. Anyway, you know how there are always those little suggestions at the bottom of the search results? Of course you do. I forgot. You’re the kind of person who searches the web for gift ideas. So two really caught my eye this year. One was “Valentine gift ideas for teacher”. At first I was all like “Oh. My. God. This whole thing with the sexy teacher love is really getting out of hand!”, imagining some 17 year old guy shopping for red teddies for his history teacher. Then it dawned on me that I’m a really sick person, and that it was actually pretty normal in grade school to give the teacher a Valentine, and that the current generation of soccer moms probably did this a lot as part of greasing the grade machine for their exhausted mommy-track children. The other search suggestion was intriguing though. It was “Personalized Valentine Gift”. Because you know, nothing says “personalized” like setting up a slave labor manufacturing facility in China and mass-producing cheap gifts with customized messages on them. So that’s what we’re bringing you today. Some money and labor saving tips for finding the perfect personalized Valentine gift. As opposed to those not personalized Valentine gifts that we’re always giving the only person we’ll ever love. Below are some strategies and gift ideas to get you going this Valentine’s Day. Read the rest of this entry »

Valentine’s Day Gift Ideas To Win Back Your Ex-Girlfriend

[ Add A Comment ]Posted on January 15, 2011 by admin in Holidays

Saturday, January 15th, 2011

Five Valentine gift ideas that may help you rekindle the fire of love. Because boyfriends are easy to come by, but girlfriends have to be earned. Strangely, most of these gifts are for yourself.


Wherein we finally explain why pink roses
were chosen to express unrequited love.

For many of us, Valentine’s Day is a time for candlelight dinners, champagne, and romantic gifts to express our undying passion for our loved ones. But for some of us, Valentine’s Day is a time of composing and re-composing bizarre love letters to people who had no idea we were stalking them, or obsessing about the one who left us over a year ago,  by pounding a 12 pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon while playing video games with our dorky friends who are still virgins at twenty-six. We’ve previously shared lots of off the wall Valentine’s Day gift ideas, but this year, we thought we’d take a look at the still suffering love-a-holic, and offer suggestions for how to win back that ex-girlfriend who was probably your last hope for any kind of healthy connection with humanity and a normal social life. First up, if you want to keep it classy and send roses, don’t send red or white ones. The traditional color for “unrequited love” is pink. I think I finally figured out the reason for this tradition. First of all, although roses are a beautiful flower, pink ones are somehow just, I don’t know, PINK. Their beauty pales in comparison to a bold red or crisp white. Pink was probably established for this purpose for two reasons. First, they prove that a guy really means it. Unless you’re a classic romantic, buying pink flowers are a sure sign that you’re GAY. And second, the second rate beauty of a pink roses makes it MUCH easier for a woman to chuck over a hundred dollars’ worth of flowers in the wastebin, which is almost certainly where the majority of pink roses end up. So you’ll probably want to skip the whole “unrequited love” thing. It’s pricey, and probably ineffective. Below are a few gift ideas to really help you win back that lost love. Strangely, most of them are gifts for you, because probably the only way you’ll win her back is by being the man you aren’t. Read the rest of this entry »

Unusual Valentine Gift Ideas For 2011

[ Add A Comment ]Posted on January 6, 2011 by admin in Holidays

Thursday, January 6th, 2011

Didn’t I hear you cry this mornin’? Didn’t I feel you weep? I imagine it was because someone either made you listen to Firefall’s “That’s a Strange Way To Tell Me You Love Me”, or because that special someone in your life took our advice for Valentine gifts this year.

Just not feeling the magic about your romantic partner this year? Don’t feel like shopping for that special Valentine gift to show them how much you love them? Well, you could always move to Iran; apparently they’ve banned Valentine gifts this year. Or, you could rely on our trusty guides to unusual Valentine’s Day gifts that can help you show your love in ways you probably would have never thought of. And that your partner may wish you hadn’t. There are lots of creative things you can do for the one you love without buying them the classic heart-shaped box of chocolate and dozen roses. For example, nothing says “I love you” like a half-mile-wide heart made out of manure. But the fact is you don’t need a tractor and ten acres of poop to show someone you love them, you can just buy them weird crappy gifts on Amazon. And that’s where we come in. In previous years’  Valentine gift guides, we brought you the humorous, the expensive, and the slightly offbeat, but this year we’ve dug a little deeper into our heart – or at least the pages of Amazon, anyway – to bring you the truly peculiar. And this is just the teaser. We’ll have more unusual Valentine gift ideas in the weeks to come. Gift ideas below. Read the rest of this entry »

« Older Entries | Newer Entries »