The very words “Last Minute Valentine Gifts” kind of suggest a problem. Why not just own up to your misogyny and buy a copy of Marc Rudov’s “Under the Clitoral Hood: How to Crank Her Engine Without Cash, Booze or Jumper Cables”
We’ve already shared a lot of other Valentine Gift Ideas, but are you a man who is sick and tired of these sexist, gender-lopsided traditions of Valentine’s Day? Or perhaps a woman who is sick and tired of the man in your life, who claims he’s sick and tired of the sexist, gender-lopsided traditions of Valentine’s Day, so he can get out of buying you Valentine’s gifts? Well, I think we’ve found the perfect gift for both of you. If you’re the woman in this scenario, you can buy it for the man, to help make him go away. And if you’re the man, you can maintain your thinly-veiled misogynistic pride by buying yourself a copy. And after you’ve validated all your bogus values of equality based on anti-feminism, you can start a bromance with Marc Rudov, and enjoy an endless string of chick-bashing man dates together. I’m referring, of course, to any of the “books” by Mark Rudov, including The Man’s No-Nonsense Guide to Women: How to Succeed in Romance on Planet Earth or Under the Clitoral Hood: How to Crank Her Engine Without Cash, Booze or Jumper Cables. We put the word “books” in quotes, because The Man’s No-Nonsense Guide to Women appears to be the only one that made it into actual book form. The rest are just over-priced eBooks. We were going to pick up a copy of “Under the Clitoral Hood” so we could review it, until we realized it was a 55 PAGE EBOOK FOR $9.95 and decided to pass. Besides, Rudov’s message can easily be overheard any night of the week at a sports bar or strip club for free. And his personality type isn’t hard to suss out either; with free teaser downloads like Her Double-D’s Can Bankrupt You (PDF) and the admonishment on the “buy” page that “You can open and print this document as many times as you wish on the computer in which you installed and unlocked it. I can monitor this usage and deactivate your key if you abuse this privilege“, it’s clear that Rudov is a self-righteous, homophobic, breast-fearing, love-damaged control freak. An assumption we think is probably validated by the warm welcome he seems to receive on Bill O’Reilly’s Fox TV program. So. All you latently homosexual men who hate Valentine’s Day, rejoice! You finally have someone to share bro jobs with. And you can do it on Rudov’s Nomance Day . Oh. And if for some reason you need an image of the cover of one of Rudov’s books, brace yourself if you do a Google Image Search for “Under the Clitoral Hood”.
There’s a tense homo-eroticism when Rudov is on Bill O’Reilly’s show, and we think we know why: