Holidays

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Scary Santas Spread The Holiday Fear

[ Comments Off ]Posted on December 18, 2008 by admin in Holidays

Thursday, December 18th, 2008

Yeah, you better watch out. You better not cry. Just whose idea was it to take small children and make them sit on the laps of strange fat men wearing bright red suits, anyway? No wonder there’s such a wealth of images of horrified children whose only wish for Christmas is for mom to get [...]

Yeah, you better watch out. You better not cry. Just whose idea was it to take small children and make them sit on the laps of strange fat men wearing bright red suits, anyway? No wonder there’s such a wealth of images of horrified children whose only wish for Christmas is for mom to get them the hell off the lap of the scary guy with booze-breath and fake beard. For me, one of the creepiest images of Santa would have to be the opening minutes of the film City of Lost Children, in which Santa comes down the chimney, again and again. And again. Since the Scary Santa has turned into a bit of a holiday Internet tradition, I’ve saved you a little trouble by picking some highlights. I’m not sure what the Angry Dwarf Santa from this collection is holding, but I’m pretty sure it wasn’t made by elves. This bleary-eyed Santa (from this collection) looks like he’s been on the run and living on Dexies since he abducted the kids in the photo, although the strangely pleased expression of the little girl suggests a possible case of Stockholm Syndrome . And this Santa (from this Sun-Sentinel contest) looks like the flash caught him red-handed as he tried to crush the two children on his lap. And your bonus link: Have a Merry Apocalypsmas!

Merry Fistmas And Other Odd Holiday Traditions

[ 1 Comment ]Posted on December 10, 2008 by admin in Holidays

Wednesday, December 10th, 2008

“Leave the gifts, just bring the crisco” as the song says.

With Christmas just a couple of weeks away, it’s time to really get in the spirit with some time-honored musical traditions like Fist Me This Christmas (featured left), a lovely carol by the Wet Spots (you may know them from their hit Do You Take It ). If squeezing helpless babies to get just the right pitch for your recording is more up your alley, check out the Jingle Babies CD (previously mentioned on DP here) . By the way, that Amazon CD link lets you preview all the tracks, which should eliminate the necessity of actually buying it. Equally peculiar, though I couldn’t find a recording, is the Catalan Christmas poop log celebration. I’m not going to offer further explanation, just make sure to read the lyrics in that link. And lastly, although the music industry seems obsessed with reviving the 80′s about every three years, the Billy Idol Christmas Collection should officially nail the coffin on punk, new wave, and the 80′s once and for all. With a Rebel Yule, he screams more, more, more. ’cause it’s a nice day for a….white christmas. By the way, here’s a preview of Silent Night, as sung by crushed babies:

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Productivity Inhibitors – The Holiday Edition

[ Comments Off ]Posted on December 1, 2008 by admin in Holidays

Monday, December 1st, 2008

Wanna play Snowcraft? Do you have the balls?


Wanna fight? Make sure you have the balls.

It’s December, and you know what that means. Time to do stupid holiday-themed things on the Internet! Things like advertising for OfficeMax while sending your friends annoying cartoons of your head dancing on an elf’s body. Or spread holiday cheer by wasting twenty minutes of your life uploading headshot photos of you and your friends to Pear Tree Greetings. Apparently even YouTube is getting in on the holiday card action this year . Not feeling like spreading the cheer? You can always turn to other time-honored (and much more fun) holiday time-wasters like Santa TossElf Attack, or my personal fave (I think because of the sound) Snowcraft. And for the weepier, gentler sort, we have Winterbells, where lilting pizzicato strings play in the background while you make a cute snow bunny dance on bells into the sky…

Three Reasons To Skip Christmas This Year

[ Comments Off ]Posted on November 28, 2008 by admin in Holidays

Friday, November 28th, 2008

Have a Chappy Chanukkah, a Frisky Festivus, and a Dope Kwanzaa


During the holiday season, it’s important to remember that Christmas isn’t the ONLY holy day celebrated in the month of December. First of all, on December 21 it’s time to celebrate Hannukah, which (much like modern western culture) is a celebration of the miraculous endurance of oil as a fuel. I usually celebrate by burning a fatty and playing Adam Sandler’s Hanukkah Song repeatedly. Also on the 21st this year, we have Global Orgasm Day. I think you can figure out how to celebrate that one. When you’ve recovered from your afterglow, get ready for Festivus, “a holiday for the rest-of-us”. I honor this very special day by hiring a stripper and updating my interpretation of the festivus pole. After all the blunt smoking, orgasms, and pole dancing you’ll probably be too wiped out for Christmas, so on the 26th, have a dope Kwanzaa. Did I miss anyone? How do YOU celebrate during the holidays?

Turgooduccochiqua Trumps Bacon Turducken

[ 4 Comments ]Posted on November 27, 2008 by admin in Holidays

Thursday, November 27th, 2008

A quail inside a cornish game hen inside a duck inside a chicken inside a turkey inside a goose.

Just when I was sure the concept of gluttony couldn’t be taken any further, yes, it’s a Turgooduccochiqua. A quail inside a cornish game hen inside a duck inside a chicken inside a turkey inside a goose. With bacon between layers. Now if they can just figure out how to get in a tortilla wrap, brine it, deep fry it, smother it in American cheese, and serve it with ranch dressing.

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