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7 Things To Leave Behind With 2012

Topics: Lifestyle & Culture | 1 CommentBy admin | January 1, 2013

2012 is just so, you know…..2012! Time to look ahead. What would YOU like to leave behind with 2012?

In spite of the fact that none of the things I suggested at the beginning of 2012 took place, I still had a pretty good year. Those things were all pretty tall orders anyway, and as painful as it can be to watch all the misery in the world, I have a method for dealing with it. To paraphrase David, the android in Prometheus (a movie some would like to forget along with the year), who was actually quoting Peter O’Toole as Lawrence of Arabia: The trick is not MINDING that it hurts. It’s amazing how pleasant the world can be if you ignore most of it! If I were to add to last year’s list, it would have a lot more unachievable ideas like ending war, getting Lindsay Lohan sober, outlawing the insurance industry, and getting John Boehner to stop crying, but this year, I’ve selected a few things I think we CAN achieve together fairly easily. They’re outlined below. What would YOU like to leave behind with 2012?

The End of the World
End the End of the World

Maybe it’s time to put an end
to the end of the world.

Let’s face it. The end of the world is sooooooo 2012. Although I had a lot of fun a year ago proposing alternate world endings, I personally didn’t take the Mayan Apocalypse seriously. But I have to admit that when Dick Clark passed away in April, I became concerned. At least in my lifetime, I hadn’t seen a new year begin without the blessing of Dick Clark. Was it even possible? I’m convinced that others felt the same way, and that that was the reason for propping him up animatronically for those last few appearances. But now that we’ve made it into a new year without him and survived Mayan Prophecy, let’s just leave the end of the world behind us, and talk about the BEGINNING of the world. This old one is a mess. Time for a new one.

Stop Liking Crap

Like Button AlternativesAdd some nuance to your
comments with the handy alternatives
we created back in 2010

I realized recently that I have a subtly negative visceral response these days if someone makes a simple flattering remark like “I like your new haircut”. I can almost see a little thumb graphic and a word bubble next to their head. If I had told you in 2000 that in ten years, your first act of the day each day would be to log in to a website and click a “Like Button” repeatedly, would you have believed me? The “Like” button became problematic early on, like when you posted your mom’s obituary and friends would “Like” it. As Facebook user interest finally wanes, people are clearly regressing to an infantile state of knee-jerk reaction that expresses absolutely zero nuance, and it only seems to reinforce their ignorant and polarized political views, reducing most dialog to the level of two-year-olds expressing their feelings about their Spaghettios. I hereby challenge you to not like anything for at least one week in 2013. If you need help, you can always add some nuance to your comments with the handy alternatives we created back in 2010

Public Shootings

Cold Dead Hands

It should be pretty easy to “pry it from his cold, dead hands” by now. He’s actually dead.

Can we just stop this now? The fact that these horrible and shocking events involving the loss of hundreds of innocent lives occur more or less monthly hasn’t prevented us from doing what any patriotic American SHOULD do, i.e.: nothing. Besides arguing about gun control on Facebook, of course. Maybe this year we should do something. Like passing a law that media outlets can’t report on them. That way, we COULDN’T argue about them, and we could go back to thinking of ourselves as Good Guy Americans who only wield our formidable stockpile of arms to stop Hitler. Or maybe actually DO something. Chuck Heston is dead. It should be pretty easy to “pry it from his cold, dead hands” by now.

Ignorant Bandstanding

Ignerant Moran

GARGLING, verb., transitive – To base one’s entire argument upon something one learned thirty seconds earlier via a Google search

2012 was the year we proved how collectively stupid we can be, by arguing in detail with people we barely know, about things we barely understand, on a website we don’t know how to use. Have you ever seen more instant campaign experts than on Facebook leading up to the presidential election? This was so pervasive that it led me to create a new word: GARGLING, v.t. – To base one’s entire argument upon something one learned thirty seconds earlier via a Google search. Let’s make a new rule for 2013. If you have no idea what you’re talking about, shut the hell up.

Social Networking

Die, Facebook, DIE

Is 2013 the year we FINALLY
leave Facebook behind?

I remember clearly when the term “social networking” first appeared in its current usage. It was in 2003, when Friendster and LiveJournal were the cutting edge of making friends on line with people you were already friends with. I also remember how idiotically redundant the phrase sounded at the time. Aren’t “being social” and “networking” essentially the same thing? Now that we all know each other and how banal our daily existences truly are, let’s either 1) Start actually doing interesting things or 2.) Stop sharing pictures of our lunch. Which leads me to our next thing to stop doing in 2013, which is…..

Sharing Pictures Of Our Lunch

Remember the good old days before Facebook and Instagram, when you had to take a photo of your dinner, drop off the film to get it processed, wait a week, and then go around to all your friends’ houses to show them the picture? Me neither.

Facebook Food Photos

Gangnam Style

Hey, after setting the YouTube record of a billion views, even the the artist says it’s time to retire this thing. Ah screw it. Let’s shoot for a trillion, right? In a few years we’ll look back at Gangnam fondly, like we do Crazy Frog. Remember Crazy Frog? Yeah, I didn’t think so. On the off chance that you DO remember it, my apologies for triggering your PTSD and undoing all those years of therapy and efforts to block it out of your mind.

Here. Let’s Help It Get a TRILLION Views:

Read Comments

  1. Posted by Patty Jane on 01.02.13 4:53 am