Go ahead and get yourself in a tizzy about the Mayan calendar. Me, I’m more concerned about Chicken Shawarmageddon and the Aporkalypse.
Shawarmageddon Is Near
One strange side effect of growing up in the era of the DVD and Roland Emmerich films is that your typical end-of-the-world scenarios probably just aren’t gonna cut it. Catastrophic floods? Been there. Alien Invasion? Done that. Earthquakes, floods, and other terrestrial tragedies caused by solar activity? Yup. And Roland Emmerich certainly has no corner on end times scenarios either. In fact, according to Wikipedia, the world has already ended 184 times . There was, of course, a glut of predictions surrounding the year 2000, but except for the “Y2K Bug” – which showed a little creativity – most of those were pretty run-of-the mill asteroid collisions and resurrections of the messiah kind of stuff. So what of interest to us in 2012 could the Mayans possibly have come up with? Nada, that’s what. How could they have possibly envisioned things like the Chicken Shawarmageddon or the The Botoxalypse? I mean, they didn’t even have electricity, never mind Middle Eastern food or the rap music culture necessary to pave the way for the Tupacalypse. No, the whole idea behind the end of the world is that you won’t really be prepared, and the human race probably IS prepared for things like “a whole bunch of water” or frogs falling from the sky. That’s why we’ve assembled a list of twelve alternate endings for 2012. Endjoy.
This begins on the 405 just outside of LA, cascading in a domino effect that engulfs the globe. This event does not actually bring the end of the world though; a few soccer moms in Volvos survive to rebuild civilization.
In this scenario, all cable and satellite channels worldwide begin to broadcast “Fox & Friends” twenty four hours a day, until everyone is driven to a murderous frenzy, decimating most of the global population. This ends up only taking about thirty six hours. Gretchen, Steve, and Brian then lord over 1,000 years of relentless morning smarm, ALL DAY, EVERY DAY.
This is one of the few end of the world scenarios that is available to go, and usually as a sandwich under five bucks. The word “Shawarma” is derived from a Turkish word that means “to turn”, which is what the world will stop doing in 2012.
No one is really sure how this one is going to play out. Did the velociraptor go extinct millions of years ago for our sins, only to return and save us from our own self-destruction? Was Jesus really a raptor, who – as it is said in Cretaceous 3:27 – will “save you from Satanasaurus Rex”? Probably only Philosoraptor knows for sure.
Portions of this article are brought to you by Rapture Totale
The original line of skin care products by Christian Dior brought new life to your skin. The 2012 line WILL TAKE IT AWAY. And all the life inside it, too. This scenario may be accelerated by the Botoxalypse (see below).
The bacterium used for Botox mutates, creating an airborne, highly contagious strain that not only removes the ridges from your forehead, but also the ridges from your brain tissue. The world is over-run by masses of bleach blonde, Chanel bag-toting, chardonnay-swilling zombies with expressionless faces.
If a chimp playing first-person shooters isn’t a sign of the End of Days, I don’t know what is. Next thing you know, they’ll be demanding “Ape Personhood” or something, hahahaha. Oh. Never mind. In any case, I for one welcome our new ape overlords. But I kinda like bananas, so that’s not surprising.
Spiders. LOTS AND LOTS of creepy crawly SPIDERS. ‘nough said.
Doesn’t it seem like every day, another of your friends starts running or working out fanatically at the gym, maybe switching to a bizarre diet of curdled beans and seaweed? This herd running behavior is merely the beginning. By year’s end, the ENTIRE GLOBAL POPULATION will be running. Nowhere. In teeming hordes. They’re coming your way, as you can see below.
They just had a little bottleneck at the bridge in New York:
C’mon. You should’ve known SOMETHING was up with titles like 2Pacalypse Now, Me Against The World, Until The End Of Time, and The Don Killuminati: The 7 Day Theory. And he flat out SAID he’d be back to clean things up in Words Of Wisdom.
Zombie Banks, Toxic Investments, the Greater Fool losing the Keynesian Beauty Contest , and a Great Vampire Squid Wrapped Around The Face Of Humanity all sound like elements of a George Romero or Wes Craven film, but really, it’s just business as usual in the financial services industry.
This scenario will be intense. Or, more accurately, in tents. And probably will be caused by that careless smoker on the right.
This only afflicts kittens, and is already occurring, mostly on Reddit/GoneWild .
This isn’t the END of the end of the world, we just didn’t have time or space to cover ALL the possibilities.
Help us out with descriptions or pictures for any of these BONUS catastrophes.