“We won’t rest until the Middle Class Menace is wiped out”, promises Gingrich

In yet another assault on the fragile, humble lives of the nation’s more affluent Republicans, hordes of educated but impoverished people nationwide are carrying homemade cardboard signs in public parks. To counter these senseless and brutal acts of aggression, Republicans like Mitt Romney, Rick Perry, and former CEO of BET Robert Johnson are declaring war. “Class War”, as they call it. “The violence and brutality of these working class people is horrifying! My wife can barely work up the nerve for a simple trip to Saks, for fear of having to look at all their hateful unemployedness”, a well-known GOP figure said, adjusting his flak helmet as he squared up for a putt on a secluded golf course guarded by Blackwater security teams and an array of surface-to-surface missile platforms. “Even my chauffeur is on edge lately”, he added. The Kevlar-clad chauffeur, who was standing nearby sipping a Compari and soda, nodded in agreement. “You should see the dirty looks we get when we have to drive near middle class neighborhoods”, he said, “it’s appalling”. As another gentleman set down his Chateau d’Yquem to tee up, he chimed in: “What is probably most frightening is the tattered frocks of entitlement they wear. I mean, if these working class people would just manage their hedge funds better, they could AFFORD all that silly healthcare they’re always whining about, right?” As the caddy set the ball on the tee, the group suddenly threw themselves to the ground in unison, shouting “INCOMING!” After a moment of awkward silence, everyone stood up and dusted themselves off, realizing the “invader” was just the butler walking across the green with a fresh tray of drinks. “JEEZUS, Jackson, why do you have to sneak up on us all ‘working classy‘ like that?”, one of the group asked. “War is hell”, he went on, “if the middle class is going to keep terrorizing us with their insane demands for things like employment, affordable medical care, and a decent education, they’ve got another thing coming. And you know what that thing is? A PREDATOR DRONE, that’s what. They want war, we’ll give it to ‘em. You think Iraq and Afghanistan were a big deal? Just wait ’til we’re done with the working class”.