We all know Washington’s a zoo, so it should be pretty easy to turn it into a jail.

The other day I was talking to a liberal friend who was railing on me for not voting, saying something to the effect of “because we can’t let these criminals back in power“. This friend makes the mistake of thinking that I’m liberal mostly because I think the Bush administration was a bunch of liars and crooks. To me, this is just an observable fact. My friend got a little feisty when I suggested that Democrats were just as often guilty of crimes as Republicans, so we agreed to trust Wikipedia as a reasonably balanced source, since organizations like Judicial Watch and Citizens for Responsibility and Ethics in Washington are usually run by rabid astroturfing bastards from one side or the other of the aisle who do the double civic disservice of acting like watchdogs when they’re really lapdogs. An hour later, we had come up with some rough numbers and highlights. The rough numbers? Convicted Republicans since LBJ’s White House: 80-something. Convicted Democrats: 50 something. The numbers are hard to sift through the way they’re presented, but I’d hasten to point out that Nixon and Reagan skewed the totals quite a bit, but with what were essentially only two crimes: Watergate and the Iran Contra scandal. Below are just a few highlights. See the List of American politicians convicted of crimes for yourself for hours of Wikiphilic distraction.

I think we should make this one a tradition:

Catalina Vasquez Villalpando, (R) Treasurer of the United States. Pleaded guilty to obstruction of justice and tax evasion. The only US Treasurer ever sent to prison. (1992)

Wait a minute. Isn’t the CIA supposed to conspire and launder money?

Kyle Foggo CIA Executive Director, number 3 in the agency, was indicted February 13, 2007 on charges of fraud, money laundering, conspiracy. Plea bargained to one count of fraud.

I didn’t know 14-year-old girls could run for sheriff:

Brian J. Doyle (R) Deputy Press Secretary in the United States Department of Homeland Security. Indicted for seducing a 14-year-old girl on the internet who was actually a sheriff’s deputy. On November 17, 2006, he was sentenced to 5 years in prison, 10 years of probation, and was registered as a sex offender.

The pot and the kettle, in the stall.

Larry Craig (R-Idaho) – US Senator who pled guilty to disorderly conduct in a Minneapolis airport men’s room in June, after having been arrested on a charge of homosexual lewd conduct. Governor Craig had previously stated that “people already know that Bill Clinton is a bad boy – a naughty boy.” (2007)

Apparently Republicans haven’t cornered the market on the underage sex thing:

Mel Reynolds (D-Illinois) indicted for sexual assault and criminal sexual abuse for a relationship with a 16-year-old campaign volunteer (1994.) He was convicted of 12 counts of sexual assault, obstruction of justice and solicitation of child pornography. (1995)

Fred Richmond (D-New York) – Convicted of tax fraud and possession of marijuana. Served 9 months in prsion. Charges of soliciting sex from a 16-year-old boy were dropped after he submitted to counseling. (1978)

But they do seem to have a thing about restrooms:

Harold Carswell (R): Was not nominated to the U.S. Supreme Court (1970) after publication of a 20-year-old speech: “I yield to no man… in the firm, vigorous belief in the principles of white supremacy.” Was also alleged to be hostile to women’s rights.[104] Later arrested in (1976) for homosexual advances in a men’s washroom.

A real live lying, cheating bastard. Or maybe he knows his dad, I dunno:

Henry Cisneros (D) Secretary of Housing. Resigned and plead guilty (1999) to a misdemeanor charge of lying to the FBI about the amount of money he paid his former mistress, Linda Medlar while he was Mayor of San Antonio, Texas. He was fined $10,000 (1999)

You’d think someone this high up could pull some strings:

Webster Hubbell (D) Associate Attorney General (the third most powerful person in the Justice Department), pled guilty to mail fraud and tax evasion. Sentenced to 21 months in prison (1995)

Oh my God. And I thought Karl Rove was a dick:

Austin Murphy (D-Pennsylvania) convicted of engaging in voter fraud for filling out absentee ballots for members of a nursing home.

Wait. I thought this was in the job description:

Ken Calvert (R-California) arrested for soliciting a prostitute for oral sex in his car. (1993)

This is the origin of the old Washington joke “We’ll drive off that bridge when we get to it”:

Ted Kennedy Senator (D-Massachusetts) drove his car into the channel between Chappaquiddick Island and Martha’s Vineyard, killing passenger Mary Jo Kopechne. Kennedy pleaded guilty to leaving the scene of an accident and received a suspended sentence of two months (1969)