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The Next Civil War: Red vs Blue

Topics: Politics | 7 CommentsBy admin | August 10, 2009

It may be the beginning of the week, but it’s the end of the country.

Slate recently ran a How is America Going to End game/survey in which you get to choose the way that you predict the American Empire will come to an end. Well, the results are in, and I have to say I’m a little disappointed that my chosen scenario – the Red vs. Blue Civil War – came in 13th. That map on the left highlights an interesting fact: the whole red state vs. blue state debate becomes a little irrelevant when you look at things on a more granular level. Those aren’t mega-highrises of the future, those are voters by population density. And you’ll notice that most of the spikes are blue. An American civil war may seem preposterous, especially when a crazy Russian academic predicts it, but the re-emergence of the “bubba militias” makes it seem a little less far-fetched in a country that’s been split in two by Rovian/Luntzian politics. When winning is everything, everyone loses. It says a lot when a large group of people (the average knee-jerk, ignorant Republican voter) gets behind a trillion-dollar activity that kills thousands of Americans but violently protests one that is intended to save American lives. I personally wouldn’t be surprised if things eventually got ugly on a larger scale; when you get a bunch of ignorant PBR-swilling yahoos riled up, there’s usually going to be some kind of fight. But I’m not worried. We city-folk have this one covered in spades, and we have maps and charts to prove it. First of all, we all know blue voters are smarter, and all the smart people live in the cities. Perhaps more important from a strategic point of view though, is the fact that we have almost all the airports, and many of the military bases. On the map below, the green dots are major airports and the tiny yellow areas are major military bases:

We also have all the money. This map shows aggregate income by county, blue being the highest:

But perhaps most important of all, we’re consistent. The map below shows party swings from 1960-2004. Note that while all the fickle hick flyovers are voting like drunken sorority girls for 44 years, the areas that stay consistently blue are – you guessed it – major metropolitan areas.

Bring it on, ya dumb hillbillies.

Read Comments

  1. Posted by TeacherPatti on 08.10.09 10:11 am

    Let’s not forget which state has the fresh water.

  2. Posted by » Would You Vote For A Third Political Party? - Dissociated Press on 09.25.09 8:09 am

    [...] (as in this Wikipedia entry) are right up my alley. We’ve talked about Red vs Blue both jokingly and semi-seriously in the past, but we’d love to know: If there were a third party that [...]

  3. Posted by » Berlin Wall 20th Anniversary: A Bittersweet Celebration - Dissociated Press on 11.07.09 1:20 pm

    [...] between haves and have-nots. It’s going to take the unemployed and broke people that comprise America’s red vs. blue polarity a while to figure it out, but the real dividing line of our times is the one between the entitled [...]

  4. Posted by » White Trash Pride - Dissociated Press on 04.17.10 12:02 am

    [...] teabagger type. We suggested a while back that the country may be headed for some kind of red vs. blue civil war, but this thinking was based on the pretty narrow evidence of two-party voting behavior during a [...]

  5. Posted by Best Of 2010 at dissociatedpress.com on 07.18.10 1:47 pm

    [...] which is that most people are too stupid to vote, and we may as well just watch them start the Red vs Blue Civil War. It’ll be good for a laugh. We Americans take politics way too seriously anyway. So as a [...]

  6. Posted by repair man man man on 12.31.10 7:59 pm

    i think we take politics at a good amount of seriousness. i also think that red vs. blue mentality is a bit outdated. i believe its gotten to the point where it doesnt matter whose in office, its all just the same **** different term. id like to just put the politicians in a boat and push them into international waters, but unfortunately they have their fingers glued to the buttons. they are dangerous people. the fight is between the us military and bubba militias. and military defectors. not between brother and brother.
    you come here to this site wanting to get away from the government bs of two party mudslinging and you bring the north vs. south argument up? GET OUT OF HERE. seriously

  7. Posted by admin on 12.31.10 8:47 pm

    Kel Mitchell? Is that you?

    I hear ya, repair man man man, but I hope you took note of the fact that this is satire. Browse around our site more and you’ll find we only get serious when we’re talking about genuine injustice.

    Looks like you’re in the Memphis area? I love Tennessee, and pretty much this entire country, and the people in it. Except maybe the folks in the pricier black cars in DC.

    The fact that you can speak your mind here and I can speak right back is just one more testament to what a great (and unified) nation we live in.