You’re probably too busy to read this, but these are excerpts from a draft of one of two books I’m working on.
1.) Not Having Time
I’d love to! But I’m just buried
with these spreadsheets!
How many times a week does someone tell you how busy they are? I mean, you yourself are probably busy, right? Admit it. At least once in the last two weeks, when someone asked you if you want to have lunch or coffee, you’ve probably hesitated, and said something like “I’d love to, but I’m SO BUSY lately. Can I get back to you?” Well. Where the hell did you find time to read this crap I’m typing right now? I mean, I’M busy. I’m writing crap for YOU to read, so you can tell people you’re too busy to have coffee with them.
And what about the people telling you that THEY’RE too busy? Well, they’re lying. I caught them on Facebook. They really should ponder the fact that when they take a “What Kind Of Intestinal Microbe Am I?” quiz, it shows up on everybody’s newsfeed, even if their status says “Off Line”. I also saw them on their laptop at a cafe. They had a pile of papers sitting next to the laptop that they riffled through and occasionally made notes on. They had on a headset, and mumbled something every so often. I figured they were shuffling their stock folio around, making millions in the recent volatile markets. Curious, I walked up to say hi, and sneaked a look. They had two browser tabs open, one was Pandora.com, the other was lyricsmania.com. The “paperwork” was a coffee-stained stack of Sudoku puzzles, cell phone bills, and packing lists from Amazon.
2.) Cell Phone Manners
This guy is excused. Back when
only 50 people worldwide had
them, manners were irrelevant.
Or, thanks for getting a cell phone so I have TWO ways to not reach you. One of the things keeping people so busy is the exhausting task of not answering their cell phone. It takes a lot of time to pull the phone out of your pocket, see who’s calling, not answer, and call them back when you’re in a public place looking like your life is pointless because you’re not talking on your cell phone. Since the other person won’t pick up when you call them, and you don’t want to seem desparate by leaving a message, you’ll be forced to call your voicemail, only to find it was a five-minute “butt dial” message. Which is totally worth calling them back and leaving a message about.
So hey. I’m talking to you. So why the hell are you answering your goddamn cell phone? Just a minute ago you were happy to not answer it so you could seem cool. And for the record, it’s no cooler to leave it sitting on the table in vibrate mode while we have lunch. Not only do we both know your agent isn’t calling, I keep thinking there’s a dildo strapped to the table or that you just broke wind. Oh, and which do you think is more fun: 1.) Talking to you while you check out at the grocery store or 2.) Ringing up your shit and waiting for you fumbling to pay ’cause you’re on the phone?
3.) Talking About Reality Shows
Even Suppernanny’s telling
you to shut up about it.
So. You live in this place called reality. What could possibly be more entertaining than making a TV show about it? Frankly, for me, that list wouldn’t include LISTENING TO YOU TALK ABOUT IT. Just get your own damn pompous, judgmental nanny, and see how fun that is. Then, make a reality show about what it’s like being on a reality show. Just don’t tell me about it. Okay?
4.) Finding Their Bliss
Yes. This is a product link.
Will it make me rich?
If I have to listen to either one more seventh-generation rich person talking about how pursuing your dream is the key to wealth and happiness, or one more person sticking up for their lame-ass MBA spouse who’s holding out for the right position while they default on their mortgage, I’m going to explore my own personal bliss, which will be strangling them. Next time you ponder the concept of “do what you love, and the money will follow“, take a moment to ponder that “if you go to work, a PAYCHECK will follow“. The only thing sadder than millions of people hating their job because they’re not pursuing their dream, is the fact that a select few are getting rich telling them to pursue their dream.
5.) Talking About Food
That’s really cute. I know about
a million people who’d have
been very happy to EAT it.
C’mon. Half the planet is starving, and all you want to talk about is the organic, hand fed Emu meat you picked up at Whole Foods today? I mean, it’s really awesome that you’re carefully selecting your menu for this evening, but do you maybe have anything else to talk about today? Like how many people die starving every day while you talk about being too fat? I’ll give you a clue: someone dies of starvation every 5 seconds. I’ll assume you read at a normal speed. That means they just died while reading this paragraph. You see, if you would shut up about the food already, I wouldn’t waste the time writing this, and you wouldn’t have to take the time to read it. See? It’s all your fault.