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New Years: I’m Not As Think As You Drunk I Am

Topics: Holidays | 2 CommentsBy admin | December 30, 2008

“Champagne for me real friends, real pain for my sham friends!” – Francis Bacon

I’ve always found it somehow telling that our traditional method for celebrating the new year was to drink the old one into oblivion. Personally, my new holiday tradition is carefully cueing up the Coen Brothers’ movie The The Hudsucker Proxy so that Tim Robbins jumps at exactly midnight. But since so many of us will engage in the more traditional celebration, here are some thoughts for you. First of all, the BBC has a nifty tool (pictured) for showing, for example, how many glasses of Perrier-Jouet 2000 Belle Epoque equals a pile of doughnuts. This alone may make you quit drinking. If you do end up over-imbibing though, be aware many states are getting tougher on drinking and driving. Illinois, for instance, has a new first-time offender law that gives you 14 days to get a breath-alcohol ignition-interlock device if you receive a DUI (Note: Don’t try using that thing to radio for help if you get pulled over a second time). In the U.K., they have much more experience with this sort of thing. See if, for instance, you think you might pass the Scottish DUI Test. In Suffolk, the police are implementing new methods which include a poster of phrases that drunks find impossible to say, like “Thanks, but I don’t want to sleep with you” or “Where is the nearest toilet? I can’t possibly vomit in the street“. If you DO plan to get plastered New Year’s Eve, here are some simple suggestions 1.) Try not to end up like these people. 2.) When you get home, don’t start e-mailing the drunken flirt from work that didn’t come home with you. If you do, make sure you use Google’s Mail Goggles, and 3.) Practice doesn’t make perfect with getting drunk, but this flash game will at least help you practice staying on the bar stool. And on a slightly serious note: if you or someone you know finds scenarios like these too familiar, the new year might be a perfect time to ask oneself if they may be an alcoholic.

Read Comments

  1. Posted by Fred F on 12.31.08 11:12 pm

    If past behavior is any indication, I’ll be drinking about 10 jaffa cakes, 3 hot dogs, 2 dozen burgers and an actual pizza on top of the 10 slices I drink.

    Freak that I am I did the math on the Husdsucker timing and he jumps at 01:37:14 so you’ll want to start the DVD at 10:22:46. I think. I already had a few jaffa cakes. Happy New Year Sr. Ian!

  2. Posted by Dojo Nick on 01.01.09 1:38 am

    Hey, some of those “people” who ended up looking passed-out drunk were animals, and one was a pumpkin. Or did I have too much to drink before being the first visitor to dissociatedpress.com in 2009?