As a member of Generation Jones, the rise of the millennials has been more than a little unsettling (partly because it evokes images of precious garden flowers gone awry). I remember in the early 80′s being mortified to hear people roughly my age saying things to their three-year-old children like “where do you want to go for dinner tonight, honey?” and “do you want to go to the grocery store now dear?”. It was evident even then that the weird group of poorly-parented ex-hippies that we call baby boomers were going to raise some seriously weird children. Well, here we are in 2008. Those same kids are now out in the work force, as evident in this hilarious Radar Magazine piece which details how Kevin Colvin, a “Millenial”, got busted via Facebook after telling his boss that he had to miss work for a “family emergency”. Although many are calling them the “Precious Snowflake” generation, I prefer to call them the “Padded Playground Generation”. From a Darwinist point of view, their average intelligence was drastically lowered by the fact that their dumbest weren’t killed on the deathtraps my generation called playgrounds. Their brains are being destroyed by technological distractions, and excessive exposure to Barney has made them autistic . What impact will this generation have on the world as they enter the age of leadership? Who knows. I guess it couldn’t be any worse than what the Bush era leadership has done, but they still scare me. I’m almost embarrassed to admit that this oft-forwarded e-mail sums it up for me: THOSE BORN 1920-1979 – TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED the 1930′s, 40′s, 50′s, 60′s and 70′s…

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they were pregnant.

They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn’t get tested for diabetes.

Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs covered with bright colored lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.

As infants &children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, booster seats, seat belts or air bags.

Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.

We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank Kool-aid made with sugar, but we weren’t overweight because…
WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.

No one was able to reach us all day.And we were OK.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo’s, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVD’s, no surround-sound or CD’s, no cell phones, no personal computer! s, no Internet or chat rooms…….
WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.

We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and, although we were told it would happen, we did not poke out very many eyes.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend’s house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them!

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn’t had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!

These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!

The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL!

If YOU are one of them CONGRATULATIONS!

You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated so much of our lives for our own good.

While you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave (and lucky) their parents were.

Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn’t it?!