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The Internet: It’s Not Just For Stupid Questions

[ 1 Comment ]Posted on December 6, 2008 by admin in Editorial & Opinion

Saturday, December 6th, 2008

Things to do with your hands besides dating Miss Michigan

In spite of the fact that people seem to rely on the Internet a lot to answer questions, even disturbingly basic ones like where should I live? or what should I read next? or do vaginas seal up with disuse? The fact is, the real purpose of the Internet is to waste time. One good way to do this is by using one of the millions of sites that let you upload images and text to make signs that no-one thinks are funny except you. One of the originals was Demotivators (see my Serenity poster, left), but there are many, many more. Says-It.com has everything from church sign generators to self-cutting generators. If you really “heart” someone, there’s an I heart [whatever] site. Or maybe you’d like to put yourself on the cover of Time, or  customize a movie poster. Or do more personalized editing, like they offer at Pizap.  But what if you don’t have web access? I recently spent a lot of time in waiting rooms with no wireless available. Not to worry! I learned you can waste time without the Internet. Imagine…with only your hands, you could stage a shadow puppet show with music (something Cartman of South Park understands very well). And here are a few things you probably shouldn’t do with your hands (and no, that doesn’t link to a “dating Miss Michigan” reference).

Hump Day Distractions

[ 2 Comments ]Posted on December 3, 2008 by admin in Editorial & Opinion

Wednesday, December 3rd, 2008

Wednesday Time Wasters

Failed Today’s I.Q. Test

Yes, it’s Wednesday. If (like me) you’re already way behind for the week, here are some pointless things to help bury you further. Did you know that the human body produces its own alcohol? You would if you watched the Q & A stream at Text118118.com, which is part of the U.K.’s most-phoned information service. The people that work there must be REALLY smart to sit at the computer and phone all day and answer random questions on such a wide range of topics. I wonder how they’d do on this (yes, another one) I.Q. test?  That test is a little time-consuming, and I already know I’m not so bright. Besides, you don’t think I actually try all the things I present here, do you? I’m a little more sensory-oriented, so I found this test kind of amusing (though the first few problems are kind of dull). This one, in which you have to eliminate numbered moving boxes in sequence, is, well, kind of dumb. But fun if you’ve had enough coffee. And moving on down the I.Q. scale…if you’re feeling shat upon this week, think how statues must feel. Well, now you you can fight back by taking a shot at those that shat at you. And for those who prefer reading to mindlessly clicking on links, here’s an annoying riddle for you (the first to post the correct answer along with their I.Q. based on that test wins a cookie): A blind beggar had a brother who died. What relation was the blind beggar to the brother who died? “Brother” is not the answer.

Productivity Inhibitors – The Holiday Edition

[ Comments Off ]Posted on December 1, 2008 by admin in Holidays

Monday, December 1st, 2008

Wanna play Snowcraft? Do you have the balls?

Wanna fight? Make sure you have the balls.

It’s December, and you know what that means. Time to do stupid holiday-themed things on the Internet! Things like advertising for OfficeMax while sending your friends annoying cartoons of your head dancing on an elf’s body. Or spread holiday cheer by wasting twenty minutes of your life uploading headshot photos of you and your friends to Pear Tree Greetings. Apparently even YouTube is getting in on the holiday card action this year . Not feeling like spreading the cheer? You can always turn to other time-honored (and much more fun) holiday time-wasters like Santa TossElf Attack, or my personal fave (I think because of the sound) Snowcraft. And for the weepier, gentler sort, we have Winterbells, where lilting pizzicato strings play in the background while you make a cute snow bunny dance on bells into the sky…

The Utility Of Futility

[ 1 Comment ]Posted on November 11, 2008 by admin in Editorial & Opinion

Tuesday, November 11th, 2008

I hate computer games, but they’re great fluff content…

I don’t really enjoy computer games; they somehow only aggravate my ongoing sense of futility. Which might explain why the few that I am drawn to seem to have a high futility quotient. Like The Game, for instance. Perhaps more social commentary than game, you have to get used to the idea that sometimes diving into the abyss is the only answer. If you get past the “Global Warming” level, let me know. QWOP takes futility to a new level. You only control the calves and thighs of an Olympic runner, and have to run the hundred-meter. I found the most reward from creating Check Berry-like splits moves by just hitting the “W” key. And in a feeble metaphor for the workweek, try Run. An endless run to nowhere, the only real objective being to avoid the holes that lie in your path.

Monetizing Others’ Wasted Time

[ Comments Off ]Posted on October 30, 2008 by admin in Editorial & Opinion

Thursday, October 30th, 2008

Time is money, but is YOUR time MY money?

Someone around here should do a little more actual writing. But ironically, people enjoy things like yesterday’s memory test, so I can tell them that things like this mind-reading web page, this laser reflection game, or this eyeball-the-geometry test will make them waste an hour of their life, they’ll go waste it, hate me for it, and come back the next day for more. I wonder if there’s a way to monetize this?

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