Dude, Don’t Harsh My Monday Mellow
[ Comments Off ]Posted on June 29, 2009 by admin in Editorial & Opinion
Monday, June 29th, 2009This weeks Monday Demotivators starts out on a light theme, but pretty soon the morning is shot, and it’s all downhill after that.
We received another complaint recently that our Monday Demotivators had strayed from the clever games and puzzles that force one to use their head a little. Don’t you people have anything nice to say? Well, we’re here to please. So go ahead and bang your head, and thanks for your input. But seriously, for those who for whatever reason actually like thinking on a Monday morning, we have Light Bot. Program the moves of the little robot, and click go. The objective is to light up the blue squares. Continuing to keep things light this morning, try Nodes 2, in which you line up lasers before the bomb goes off. That game takes advantage of the fact that rearranging little red lines on computer a screen is MUCH more exciting with an Electrobeat soundtrack. And if you don’t believe us, just try Laser Logic, which doesn’t have an Electrobeat soundtrack. If you’re still awake after that one, we always try to include some form of murder for the more morally degenerate homicidal types amongst you. Today we have Ultimate Assassination 2, which frankly should be called Ultimate Ant-sassination 2; although an amusing game, you feel more like you’re killing little bugs than people. And it’s all downhill from here. To finish Harshing Your Monday Mellow, we have Gnarshmallow. A simple but challenging skiing game that seems to take the little bugs from the last game and put them on a ski slope. Crashtastical, dude. Just don’t blast a dookie.
Avoid Food While Waiting For Sperm Rider To Load
[ Comments Off ]Posted on June 15, 2009 by admin in Editorial & Opinion
Monday, June 15th, 2009If thumb wrestling is your idea of a workout, we have some fun things lined up to help derail your Monday morning.
  Is this your idea of exercise? |
I’ll probably never have a legitimate reason to say that again in this lifetime, but as a headline for this week’s Monday Demotivators, there’s absolutely nothing gratuitous in the phrase. So let’s get (ahem) rolling. Here’s a game a lot of us fat Americans should try (don’t think you’re fat? Check the NIH Body Mass Calculator first, you might be surprised). Anyway, the object of Sprinster is simply to avoid food. ‘nough said. To help you avoid food, pretty much for the rest of the day, try 5 Fingers Fillet. I think the name is warning enough. Not for the faint-hearted. Who dreams this crap up, anyway, and why, in the name of God, do I link to it? Oh yeah. Revenue. So, moving along. Sperm Rider takes forever to load (did I really just type that?) but there’s something entrancing about piloting a cowboy stick figure who’s riding a huge sperm through an urban landscape to a stripped-down cowpunk soundtrack. I didn’t even care what my score was. Much like in Super Lava Jumper, which tells you “Oops you died. No worries though” when you fail. This, while a boinky late 90′s house soundtrack plays at 120 decibels. If you like pixelated games with crappy soundtracks, you might also want to try Heavy Metal Girl, which is a little less relaxed about your death, and much more intent on providing it. And if love is more your thing, try Romeo, in which (much like life) you round up volumes of Shakespeare that you will never read, while you search for true love. Want my opinion? Go to the cafe. The odds of meeting someone are a lot better there than if you sit here playing dumb Flash games all day. And get some exercise while you’re at it. Maybe start with something easy, like Thumb Wrestling
Monday Morning Meticulously Mapped Out?
[ 1 Comment ]Posted on June 8, 2009 by admin in Editorial & Opinion
Monday, June 8th, 2009Axis if we care. Our plot to disrupt the day you’ve carefully charted for yourself involves graphic depictions of death, birth, crime, and…Wikipedia?
Do you ever feel overwhelmed with the information and sensory input at your disposal these days? We’re here to help. Overwhelm you more, that is. In our ongoing plot to derail your Monday morning, we’ve touched on fleshmaps, facebook maps, why Ian can’t get a date maps, infographics, flowcharts , and million dollar graphics. So you’d think we’d be done, right? But no. Here we have 50 more examples of ways to visualize data, brought to you by WebDesignerDepot.com. Of all of the examples presented, I probably found TuneGlue the most useful; it visually cross-references musical artists and their work in a very simple interface, with Amazon links. By the way, a lot of those tools in that link made pretty graphs, but were in most cases visualizing things normal people don’t care about. And there’s definitely a flaw in the plan when a graphic actually makes it harder to understand complex information rather than easier. So check out 5,000 years of Middle East history in 90 seconds, or BreathingEarth, where you can watch deaths and births in real time and ponder your emissions. Even better, WorldClock displays everything from oil consumption to US crime stats in real time. And lastly, have you ever wondered what Wikipedia would look like if it were in book form?
If You’re So Rich, Why Aren’t You Smart?
[ 5 Comments ]Posted on June 1, 2009 by admin in Lifestyle & Culture
Monday, June 1st, 2009Science finally explains why chimpanzees are rarely millionaires.
I’m often accused of being intelligent, but trust me, nothing could be further from the truth. I’m clever and persistent, but frankly, so are raccoons. However I am smart enough, for instance, to not waste a lot of time taking Facebook quizzes that tell me what Jesus thinks of me, or whether or not I’m a potato. First of all, I’m just not that narcissistic; secondly, I KNOW I’m not a potato; and perhaps most importantly: don’t you people realize that the NSA scrapes Facebook data daily to build your citizen profile?!? But back to the original question. This week’s Monday morning time-waster is devoted to intelligence testing and wealth, rather than dumb Flash games. Because until I manage to monetize the process of finding all those silly little games to make you late for work on Monday, you’ll just have to go find your own. So. How smart are you? Well, apparently, not as smart as a chimp. But don’t worry. In spite of books that suggest the opposite
It’s Monday. So Let’s Get On The Ball, Okay?
[ 1 Comment ]Posted on May 18, 2009 by admin in Editorial & Opinion
Monday, May 18th, 2009This week, our Monday morning time-wasters get a new spin. Instead of trying to make you late for work, we’re here to help you get on the ball.
If you’ve come here for our regular monday morning time wasters, get ready, we’re throwing you a little curve ball. Although our intent is usually to prevent you from being on the ball on Monday, today we’ve mustered up the balls to do exactly the opposite. First, do you even know what a curve ball IS? This amazing illusion demonstrates why they appear to break so hard from the batter’s point of view. It also might make you a little dizzy if you haven’t had your coffee yet. As will the game Curve Ball, which is kind of like playing Pong in The Matrix. The game Dyson Ball kind of sucks, but what would you expect from a vaccuum cleaner promo? At least James Dyson had the balls to manufacture a new kind of vaccuum. Avoiding blue balls is the objective of this game, and just to show that we have a pair, here’s Red Ball, a simple physics-based game which, for no reason we can ascertain, “moos” when you fail. Don’t be cowed. We made it to level 11 pretty easily, if you want the password (just hover here). We’ve probably driven most readers away with that last round of puns by now, but please, sphere not. Before you get your balls in a sling with Sling Jumper, you can draw the line with Scriball. And you’ll probably never get to the bottom of things with GyroBall, but if you do, you can bounce back with Bouncy-Ball. See you round!