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5 Best Places to Work When Armageddon Arrives

Topics: Lifestyle & Culture | Add A CommentBy admin | February 15, 2013

Survivalists and preppers are clearly off their rockers. Why stockpile provisions in your HOME, when you can easily commandeer the nearest superstore and build a fortress?

Obviously, S-Mart would be the
IDEAL choice, but Army of
was only a movie.

Have you ever pondered what you would do in the event of global civic and economic collapse? Back in the day, the end of the world scenario was simple. The only thing we had to worry about was those evil commies and their a-bombs. But we’ve come a long way since then; these days it could be anybody from the North Koreans to Wall Street Bankers to our own government that’s trying to deprive us of our God-given right to free speech, pizza, and Netflix. And never mind those obvious threats, if things really fall apart, our greatest enemies may beĀ us. Maybe you think I’m just talking crazy talk here like one of those survivalists or preppers, but nothing could be further from the truth. I agree. Those people are NUTS. Why in the hell – if you were planning for the end of the world – would you spend so much hard-earned dough on stockpiling provisions in your own home? It just makes your otherwise poorly-fortified house a target, since at least a few of your neighbors have seen the thirty cartons of baked beans and three hundred gallons of water in your garage when you take the mower out to mow the lawn. Nutty, nutty people. Nope, I personally decided a long time ago that the best place to be when the world ends is a chain store of some kind.

A pharmacy wouldn’t be a bad choice; people always want drugs, maybe evenĀ especially want them when the world is ending. And if it’s a chain pharmacy, there may be some other useful supplies. Likewise with petrol station convenience stores. Fuel will be in high demand. You’ll benefit as long as you can protect the supply, and as long as it lasts. But once you’re out of gas, and have eaten the last frozen burrito, well, meh. You’re sunk. And pity the fool that works in a fancy store like Saks or Prada. Yeah. Those’ll be some hot commodities. Everyone needs an Armani suit and a Movado when the world is ending. So clearly, we can eliminate about 99% of the options right off. That’s how we made the selections for our roundup of the 5 Best Places to Work When Armageddon Arrives. Clearly, the only smart choice is a department store. Let’s rate them below. Ratings are based on basic apocalypse needs:


Here’s how they rated:

Department Stores Major department stores – whether high-end or midprice – were the first we checked off the list. Sure, if you hole up in a Kohl’s or JCPenney, grandma will be able to find some nice casual suits, and the bathroom, food prep, and sleeping areas will look great, but try defending a fortress from marauders with spatulas, shower curtains, and five-piece cooking sets. At higher end stores you also might be able to have great skin and smell nice while civilization crumbles around you, but you wouldn’t survive the first day.

Okay, now we’re getting somewhere. Food, camping gear, medical supplies, apparel, but nope – not much in the way of building supplies, fuel, or weapons. A Paula Deen Signature 14-pc. Cutlery Block Set just won’t cut it for real combat. Sorry Target.

About the only thing K-Mart would have going for it when the end is nigh is that you’d have an easy line of sight in most directions, thanks to the anemic inventory most locations maintain these days. A definite loser in the food categories, and about the only thing they have in the way of weaponry is the Whetstone HY-017C Airsoft Rifle. At close range, the sting of a paintball will at least piss off your attacker.

Costco has just about everything you need for fortifying your post-apocalypse last stand, and now that the world is ending, you don’t even have to be a member to benefit! Unfortunately, the closest thing they have to weapons is probably the nailguns in the hardware section. On the bright side, at least you’d be in good company; Costco is often rated amongst the best companies to work for in the US.

Sam's Club
What Sam’s Club lacks in selection, they make up for in sheer volume, which is actually what you want in this kind of scenario. However, the Archery “Starter Kit” they sell is probably not very lethal without major modifications. Your best bet for defending a Sam’s club location is probably to line the perimeter with the food sampler staff. The invisible force field around people offering free food samples will generally frighten away even the most battle hardened.

Meijer was a close runner up; although their selection of weapons consists mainly of paintball guns much like K-Mart, Meijer is the only superstore to stock any kind of motorized vehicles. And with a few basic modifications, the Swisher 60-Inch Zero Turn Riding Mower could be a truly formidable weapon.


Ladies and gentlemen, I think we have a winner. Amongst all of America’s “superstores”, Walmart is the only one that shamelessly sells high powered rifles and shotguns. As an added bonus, they probably have the most disgruntled employees of any company, anywhere, and that kind of added angst can make the difference when defending a post apocalypse stronghold.