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Your Robot Sucks Less Than Ever

Topics: Technology | Add A CommentBy admin | July 10, 2012

But now it is going to kill you.

Don’t be fooled by the cuteness. Glowing
red eyes are one of the first signs that
the uprising has begun. See videos below.

Personally, I don’t understand the liberal peaceniks’ big fuss about the Obama administration’s unbridled abuse of drones around the world. What we REALLY should be worried about are our house pets and Skynet, now that Google has created a cat-aware artificial intelligence, and on top of freaky military robots like Big Dog, Pet Man, and Cheetah, we have weird. eleven-pound robots that hop like fleas , maple-seed inspired spybots that can be thrown like boomerangs, and miniature quadrotors that can play the James Bond Theme. Not to mention the squirmy softbots that will be oozing under a door near you soon. Yes, we’ve bemoaned the tragic state of robotics on a couple of occasions previously, first explaining why your robot sucks and later, why it sucks slightly less. We’ve also belittled the progress being made in the field of artificial stupidity. But robots are finally coming into their own. Maybe a little TOO MUCH into their own. Try to imagine thousands of mechanically whining and whirring robot dogs approaching on the horizon, the ground being darkened by millions of buzzing quadrotor drones above them, while in their midst bipedal metal men hurl single-bladed mini-copters at you, and you either have the makings of a great new near-future sci-fi thriller, or an accurate vision of our impending doom. If Google’s computers can learn to recognize human faces that is. Until then, hide your cat. Below are some videos of the latest preparations for the robopocalypse.

Samarai – A Maple Seed-inspired UAV
As one of the engineers explains: “It’s like a maple seed, except we put a motor on it, so it goes up instead of down”. In layman’s terms, this means “it’s like a maple seed, except in every way that it might be like a maple seed”.

Robot Quadrotors Perform James Bond Theme
This is another part of their brilliant strategy. They make themselves look bumbling by doing a really horrible job of playing a fairly simple song, but face it. You don’t need to know how to play electric guitar to fire FRICKIN’ LASERS. Besides, if a swarm of these flew my way in that eerie synchronized motion, I’d surrender even if they made a SMILEY FACE above me. Maybe ESPECIALLY if they made a smiley face.

Sand Flea Jumping Robot

This would almost be CUTE, if I didn’t know that thing weighs ELEVEN POUNDS.

HRP-4C Miim’s Human-like Walking

The Miim is a big step forward from the “honey I crapped my pants” gait of the famous Asimo robot. Today’s improved bipedal robot looks more like your trembling grandmother who’s ABOUT to crap her pants.

Soft Robot Walking and Crawling

Imagine all the nooks and crannies a slightly more advanced version of this thing could silently probe while you sleep, oblivious. On second thought, let’s NOT imagine all the nooks and crannies.

Titanoboa meets the Mondo Spider

Battlebots like these are another part of their plan to keep us thinking that they haven’t advanced beyound the “Mechanical Turk” phase of robotics popular at 19th century carnivals. Laugh while you can.

Robots Invade ALL OF THE humans!!!

More subterfuge in the form of “oh, look at the cute robots in the park”. Today, the park bench. Tomorrow? The bin, including the things on the ground, around the bin. And the things within.

How To Survive A Robot Uprising

Daniel H. Wilson – who has a Ph.D. in Robotics from Carnegie Mellon – explains how to survive this inevitable robot revolt. Wilson is also the author of a book that’s receiving high praise from the likes of Stephen King called Robopocalypse: A Novel

See, there are those RED EYES again: