But it COULD be the end of a relationship. If you play your cards right. Ten easy ways to help get rid of that special unwanted someone in your life.
Are you trapped in a dismal relationship, dreading Valentine’s Day even more than usual this year? Well put your mind at ease, because this is your time. Why? In case you forgot, we’re all going to die in some kind of end-of-the world scenario this year, like maybe Chicken Shawarmageddon. What better time to end a relationship than The End of Days? We’ve served up plenty of strange Valentine’s Day gift ideas before, like Last Minute Valentine Gifts For Romance Impaired Misogynists, and Valentine’s Day Gift Ideas To Win Back Your Ex-Girlfriend. But this year, why worry about your existing ex, when you can make a new one? And if you want to make sure someone gets out of your life forever, what better day than Valentine’s Day? There’s no need to boil someone’s bunny, like in Fatal Attraction, or put a horse head on their bed, as in the famous kiss-off in The Godfather. Besides, in some cultures, the latter was historically considered an expression of love. No, giving someone the pink slip on Valentine’s Day will leave no doubt in their mind about whether it’s just a passing quarrel, and can be accomplished with simple and inexpensive gifts that say it all. So if you’re simply looking to dump someone, or, worse yet, if you’ve settled for an awkward half-baked solution that has left you in a position where the three words you dread hearing most as you make passionate love with the person that truly sets your heart on fire are “Honey, I’m home”, maybe it’s time to make a change. We’re here to help with the perfect gifts to break someone’s heart, instead of melting it.
|One quick, easy and FREE method of beginning the end of things is the by-now-cliched “change your Facebook relationship status” trick. Just be careful. This can get you killed.|
|Nothing says “goodbye” like a set of luggage. Except when you add “there’s the door, don’t let it hit your ass on the way out”. The Samsonite 5 Piece Nested Luggage Set is not only affordable, it’ll make him look cheap as he wanders from cheap hotel to cheap hotel, pondering where he went wrong.|
|Give them a copy of Mars and Venus Starting Over: A Practical Guide for Finding Love Again After a Painful Breakup, Divorce, or the Loss of a Loved One, right after you re-key all the locks on the house, drain the bank accounts, and hire a lawyer. The existence of this book begs the question though: If John Gray is so good at saving relationships, why did he need to write a breakup book?|
|If you’re a woman, the solution may be simpler than you think. First, stop faking orgasms. That’ll mess him up. And once you’ve got him off-balance, give him the creepy and clinical looking Male Extender Penis Enlargement Device. Now only $239.98!|
|Or save a lot of money and deliver a more lethal blow with the Size Matters Beginner Pump for only $11.91.|
|If you’re a man, you may or may not have figured out by now that the answer to the question “do I need to lose a little weight?” is nothing other than “No, don’t be silly”. In any case, there’s no mistaking the message sent by a common bathroom scale. Especially if you call from the tarmac to tell her it’s gift-wrapped and sitting on the kitchen counter, after boarding your one-way flight to Thailand.|
|Whether you plan to take action or not, the sadly under-acknowledged genius of Cynthia Heimel turns the tragedy of romance into side-splitting comedy in her books Get Your Tongue Out of My Mouth, I’m Kissing You Goodbye!, When Your Phone Doesn’t Ring, It’ll Be Me, and If You Can’t Live Without Me, Why Aren’t You Dead Yet?!|
|Granny panties. Need we say more? This is of course a gift for yourself, not for your soon-to-be-ex. This tool may be even more effective if you’re a man and start wearing them.|
|If you’re a man, you’ve probably already got this covered, and it’s only her blind devotion that has kept her from leaving you already. If you’re a woman, this is an easy and free way to drive him away. Give those pits a rest, and all those other places too. Why is waxing not against the Geneva Convention, anyway?|
|Need more ideas? Oh c’mon. There must be fifty ways to leave your lover. Do we have to do all the heavy lifting around here? Okay, one more. Start dressing like Paul Simon.|