Amazon doesn’t sell REAL machine guns, but you can at least ANNOY THE HELL out of enemy invaders with this realistic BB gun replica.

These are strange and troubling times. Global economic collapse, which was only prevented (or just delayed) by the nationalization of banks and industry. Border skirmishes in Korea. Continued war in Afghanistan and Iraq. Riots and revolution in the Mideast, massive civilian protests in Wisconsin. Earthquakes in Haiti, New Zealand, and Japan, where tsunamis and nuclear reactor meltdowns were added for extra apocalyptic horror. And in the most telling sign of all, America elects a black man as president. Who could ignore these obvious signs of the coming Armageddon? Well, not us; we started talking about preparations for the econopocalypse back in 2008  and have revisited the theme regularly since then. But with the official end of the world less than 650 days away, we thought maybe it’s time to take a more serious look at finally assembling those essential tools for surviving the apocalypse. We’re so frightened by recent events ourselves that we’re afraid to leave the office, so we decided to see if a person could secure all the supplies they need on Amazon. Aside from automatic weapons, water tanker, and razor wire, we think we did pretty well. See below.

Echo1 Full Size Airsoft Mini-Gun	Like my uncle Clem from Appalachia always said: “Them’s what got stuff, got stuff. Them’s what got guns, kin take it from ‘em“. Unfortunately, you can’t buy guns on Amazon. That image at left is an Echo1 USA Full Size Airsoft Mini-Gun. Yes, for a mere $3,500.00, you too can have your very own precise replica of a machine gun that fires several thousand rounds per minute. The only difference? It doesn’t. It does shoot real live BB’s though, if your only objective is to PISS OFF the rugged survivalist that is about to steal all your supplies before raping and murdering your family.
Ten Point® Phantom CLS™ Crossbow Package	Interestingly, although Amazon seems to have some weird issue with things that go “bang” and can kill from a considerable distance, they don’t seem to have a problem with devices that do the same thing in near total silence. Although there’s no mention of the fact in the product descriptions, the Trophy Room page of the company’s web site shows people posing with deer that have been killed with the Ten Point® Phantom CLS™ Crossbow Package. We assume that means it will also work on (wink wink, nudge nudge) other large mammals.
Sorry, not available on Amazon	Water is essential to survival, and while it would be nice to have a 9,000 gallon tanker like the one pictured, they don’t sell them on Amazon. They also don’t sell those five gallon jobbies either, but that’s okay; for one thing the shipping costs would kill you before dehydration would, and who wants to lug around five gallon jugs of water as you pillage for supplies? The fact is, if you can’t commandeer all the water you need by menacing other survivors with your awesome BB gun, you can convert any water into drinkable water with enough Military Water Purification Tablets Just ignore the fact that they’re actually poisonous when not completely dissolved. I’m sure that if the US military uses them, they’re safe. Right? Right?
Leather wear	Now that the apocalypse has finally arrived, you’re not going to be wasting precious water on silly things like LAUNDRY, right? Besides, nothing makes you look more badass than some Leather wear. Didn’t you see Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome ? Quality leather gear will indeed make you Master. Blaster not included.
Emergency Survival Food Supply 275 Meal Pack	There are lots of food products for survival, but the Emergency Survival Food Supply 275 Meal Pack comes in a BUCKET. And you know you’ll need one after eating 275 packs of survival food.
Megaphone With Siren Law Enforcement Bullhorn	This may seem like a flippant inclusion, but the fact is, with your band of thugs armed with annoying rapid fire BB guns and lethal crossbows, you’ll quickly be taking charge of any other survivors in the area, and what better way to start dictating the laws of the land than with a Megaphone With Siren Law Enforcement Bullhorn. I mean, it says LAW ENFORCEMENT right in the product name.
Solar/Self Powered AM/FM/Weatherband Radio with Flashlight and Cell Phone Charger	Hell. I’m gonna buy one of these things, apocalypse or not. And when the world DOES end, it’ll be cool to be able to charge your cell phone while you listen to Glenn Beck and make scary faces in the dark with a Solar-Powered, Self-Powered AM/FM/Weatherband Portable Radio with Flashlight and Cell Phone Charger
Honda Portable Generator	I don’t know why everyone doesn’t own one of these things anyway. A Honda Portable Generator is sort of a must-have for post-apocalypse scenarios, but they’re also great for powering backyard Raves or for those of us who hate camping without a microwave and a 42″ TV.
Deluxe 2-Person by Survival Kit	I’m not sure what the Deluxe 2-Person by Survival Kit is intended to help you survive. A weekend at Lollapalooza? If so, they forgot the ecstasy. It sure LOOKS like it has everything though. This would be great for spreading out on your living room floor to convince yourself that you’re prepared.
Coopers Brewery Micro-Brew Beer Kit	Your popularity in the end of days is assured if you have some beer on hand, so get that bar open ASAP with a Coopers Brewery Micro-Brew Beer Kit.Remember: for many, the absence of beer IS the end of the world.
Do You Like Pina Coladas?	This was sort of an afterthought. You may want to drive enemy survivors out of their encampment without killing them, so you can enslave them. Normal humans can usually be driven to the point of unconditional surrender with less than three hours of Do You Like Pina Coladas played over your megaphone at 120 decibels.