Five Valentine gift ideas that may help you rekindle the fire of love. Because boyfriends are easy to come by, but girlfriends have to be earned. Strangely, most of these gifts are for yourself.
Wherein we finally explain why pink roses
were chosen to express unrequited love.
For many of us, Valentine’s Day is a time for candlelight dinners, champagne, and romantic gifts to express our undying passion for our loved ones. But for some of us, Valentine’s Day is a time of composing and re-composing bizarre love letters to people who had no idea we were stalking them, or obsessing about the one who left us over a year ago, by pounding a 12 pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon while playing video games with our dorky friends who are still virgins at twenty-six. We’ve previously shared lots of off the wall Valentine’s Day gift ideas, but this year, we thought we’d take a look at the still suffering love-a-holic, and offer suggestions for how to win back that ex-girlfriend who was probably your last hope for any kind of healthy connection with humanity and a normal social life. First up, if you want to keep it classy and send roses, don’t send red or white ones. The traditional color for “unrequited love” is pink. I think I finally figured out the reason for this tradition. First of all, although roses are a beautiful flower, pink ones are somehow just, I don’t know, PINK. Their beauty pales in comparison to a bold red or crisp white. Pink was probably established for this purpose for two reasons. First, they prove that a guy really means it. Unless you’re a classic romantic, buying pink flowers are a sure sign that you’re GAY. And second, the second rate beauty of a pink roses makes it MUCH easier for a woman to chuck over a hundred dollars’ worth of flowers in the wastebin, which is almost certainly where the majority of pink roses end up. So you’ll probably want to skip the whole “unrequited love” thing. It’s pricey, and probably ineffective. Below are a few gift ideas to really help you win back that lost love. Strangely, most of them are gifts for you, because probably the only way you’ll win her back is by being the man you aren’t.
Five Valentine Gift Ideas For Loser Boyfriends To Win Back Their Ex
|Put up or shut up. You know all those conversations you had where she said “money doesn’t matter” and “it doesn’t have to be a HUGE ring”? Don’t
be stupid. It does. And she meant “it does have to be SEMI huge though”. Also, get a job. She would love it if your band actually made enough money to buy beachfront property in LA, but she’s really tired of hanging out in smelly dive bars in Wisconsin listening to the same 10 songs. We chose the $150, 000 thirteen carat version because anything less probably won’t work in your case.
|Or at least wash them once in awhile. It’s amazing how something that so few people see can have such an impact on life. But she had to see them. Laying around in all their dingy, skidmarked glory. If you can’t get the hang of how that “washing machine” thing works, just consider them a disposable commodity. The classic old man tighty-whiteys pictured here are only about a dollar a piece, which is cheaper than having a beer.|
|In college she thought it was cute that you could smash a Budweiser can on your forehead and still assemble reasonably coherent sentences afterwards, but she didn’t think you’d still be doing it at thirty. And lines like “it’s always cocktail hour somewhere” stopped being funny the first time you threw up on the cop’s shoes when the two of you got pulled over.|
|When we say “quit playing games”, it probably sounds like advice on how to communicate, but we literally mean quit playing games. And while you’re at it, sell the comic book collection. And shave those godawful sideburns. She was lying when she said she thought it was cute that you were trying to look like Wolverine from X-Men. Besides. There’s something just plain WRONG about choosing a PlayStation over sex with a woman.|
|Give up. She was probably a skank anyway. What do all your friends (who universally agree that you’re a total freakin’ loser whose lost one of your only hopes for salvation) know about it, right? Amazon doesn’t sell the authentic Real Doll (that’s a Wikipedia link), besides, after all the money you spend on beer and video games, you can’t afford one. Which is why we’re recommending the California Exotics Sophia’s Inked Love Doll. We’re not sure how you tattoo a love doll, but we’re sure that will add the touch of realism you need. The product description also points out that “she” has “Orbital Jointed Arms”, holds 300 pounds, and comes with a repair kit, just in case.|