It seems like people are always talking about being more productive, and how they have to stop procrastinating. When did we all turn into little mini-corporations with deadlines and productivity quotas? Personally, I think the whole thing is part of a vast conspiracy to keep us on edge. And shopping. One built in problem with this whole procrastination vs productivity issue is the assumption that the things you think you should be doing actually matter. I mean, maybe it’s okay if you never launch that quarterly newsletter devoted to the latest developments in competitive duck herding, and maybe you don’t need to finally start blogging. At least 144 million other people seem to have that covered for you. But so far we’re just looking at this on a personal level. On a societal level, I would comfortably argue that the fact that we live in the most productive period in history has been relatively unproductive. First of all, as we recently pointed out, it just makes us run out of everything. But more significantly, in spite of our ever-expanding knowledge, technological developments, and ability to produce, people still kill each other with the same regularity, starve every day, and are depressed and sick enough to keep a $643 billion pharmaceutical industry in business. So relax. Stop beating yourself up. If you only do one thing today, make sure it’s nothing. Below are some tips. Feel free to share any of your own. When you get around to it.

Smoking Marijuana

Although we’re not condoning the use of marijuana or anything, it certainly is a powerful tool for feeling like you’re doing something when you’re not. And often when you actually end up doing something while high, it comes pretty close to not doing anything at all. Like the girl in this video, for instance:

In all fairness, this video is the reason this girl is laughing

Wikipedia

This is a no brainer. I use the word wikiphilia a lot in my writing here on Dissociated Press, because the fact is, most of the time I’m not really doing any writing, I’m just finding stuff on the web and linking to Wikipedia entries about it. This is in fact what the internet was made for. Taking massive amounts of useless information and linking it to itself has probably done more to advance the cause of procrastination than FreeCell. If you want to take this to the next level though, you can put off actually avoiding things you need to by wasting time on Wikipedia by making a video about how to do it:

YouTube

You know that old expression I’d rather watch paint drying? Well, thanks to YouTube, now you can. Also in HD.

Reading A Book

This is way over-rated, and far too much like actually doing something. Especially depending on what you read. I mean, if you’re not careful, you might read some book about the history of empires or something, and suddenly realize you’re living in one that’s dying just like all the others. Then you’d have to go vote or something. That’s a lot of work. Below are some suggestions for what to read or not read to maintain your state of non-doing-ness.

	For obvious reasons, you should under NO CIRCUMSTANCES read this book
	If you really MUST read a book, this one is safe. It’s a day to day narrative of nothing. Great reading for when you’re putting off writing that screenplay you mean to write.
	Which is okay, Nora. Because unfortunately, I bet nobody remembers YOU either. In any case, don’t read this book. You’ll probably get inspired to write that screenplay after all.