As soon as they done bitin’ yo ankles they gonna bust a cap in yo ass

A couple of years ago, a Russian friend of mine asked me if I wanted to make some money. Since he said “vould you like to make some money” instead of “I have a job you might be eenterested een“, I raised an eyebrow. He said ” I know vaht you are theenking. There eez no-thing eelegal eenvolved“. He explained that all we had to do was travel around the country going to small retailers that stocked cell phones and offer to buy their entire inventories for cash at very low prices. I suddenly realized why I was a hot prospect; imagine a Russian guy walking into a gadget shop in WTF, California or someplace, and saying “I vant to buy all zee cellphones you have for cash“. A few months later, a different Russian friend asked me the same original question, only in this case, the “opportunity” involved getting a free cell phone and envelopes of cash to buy large numbers of tickets to concerts and sporting events. I said I’d take the job if he could get me a date with t.A.T.u., and he laughed. Whenever someone says “there eez no-thing eelegal eenvolved” when telling you about a great new opportunity, the assumption of course is that “something eleegal eez eenvolved“. Although I knew that in both cases my friends were operating at a relatively safe level, somewhere a little further up the chain was some guy named Boris the Blade. Which didn’t scare me; the real issue was that I have a strict policy of not entering gang organizations at the thug level. With hindsight, I’m happy with my decision. I probably would’ve had to work with these guys. Which on further reflection, might be better than joining the Scissor Gang Mafia.

Which gangsta wannabe do you find scarier, the Russian:

..or the American?

If you’re already a member of the Scissor Gang Mafia, here are some gang signs to avoid if you don’t want to get randomly gunned down because of your MySpace profile pic:

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