With nothing else to do but sit back and laugh as the press devours his former running mate with plastic forks and knives, John McCain has decided to grow a moustache (see creepy image, left*). “Chicks dig it”, he is quoted as saying – according to an anonymous staffer – allegedly emphasizing his point by making a “V” gesture below his mouth and making a “lah-leh-lah-leh” noise with his tongue. Although he has reportedly been offered a position in the new administration, insiders quoted him as saying “C’mon my friend…who ever heard of a WHITE lawn jockey?” The administration expressed disappointment, but is moving ahead with their cabinet decisions. In other political news: well, let’s face it. There is none. In fact, Dissociated Press is rumored to be announcing the end of their Politics section altogether, as well as their political comic strip. As the site’s chief editor and writer put it: “Bush and Cheney? Now that shit’s funny before you pick up the pencil, but Obama? We’re actually planning to just redirect our domain to the White House so we can get to work for the man.”

*Which is actually a Schick™ ad campaign