Holidays
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[ 2 Comments ]Posted on July 21, 2009 by admin in Holidays
Tuesday, July 21st, 2009It’s National Hot Dog Month, but frankly, I think PETA’s winning the PR battle with their suggestion to put something different between your buns
 Lettuce pause for a moment to ponder PETA’s tofu tube steak suggestions |
Whenever someone asks me if there are any foods I don’t eat, I always forget to mention hot dogs, because, er, frankly, I don’t think of them as food. Although I’ll eat one once in awhile, I put them in the same category as Twinkies or a McMeal Deal: a thing I will chew and taste and swallow if there’s no actual organic matter around. But ignore my foodie pretensions. This is America, and it’s National Hot Dog Month, for cryin’ out loud. So grab a white bread bun, some French’s mustard, and stick a wiener in your mouth. To make sure you’re doing it up right, download a copy of the 2009 Hot Dog Month Planning Guide (6.1MB PDF), and to satisfy your appetite for tube steak knowledge, grab a copy of Frank Facts About Hot Dogs while you’re at it. They use appetizing phrases like “meat trimmings”, “stainless steel choppers blend the meat”, and “processed intestines” to further seduce you. And did you know that Americans will eat about 2 billion hot dogs this month? If we did our math correctly, those hot dogs laid end-to-end would reach 189,393 miles, which is about 4/5 of the way to the moon. So, while July 22 is National Hot Dog Day, I think the National Hot Dog & Sausage Council needs to hire a new PR firm. Although they had enough savvy to create a Facebook Fan Page and a YouTube channel PETA already seems to have stolen their thunder by protesting on Capitol Hill July 16. And since we’ve given so much time to wieners and dogs today, let’s give equal time to breasts and monkeys with the Breasts Not Animal Tests game. I scored 33,375 points, but the breasts just came too fast at the end. Got any interesting hot dog or sausage links to share?
Revolutionary Holiday Ideas For July
[ Comments Off ]Posted on July 1, 2009 by admin in Holidays
Wednesday, July 1st, 2009I’d like to officially propose my birthday – July 9 – as a new national holiday rooted in the time-honoured traditions of Bastille Day and Independence Day. And I’d also like to propose that we don’t wear silly tricorn hats.
  And no silly tricorn hats, okay? |
During the reign of a corrupt government, a country faces a major financial crisis, triggered in part by the cost of engaging in an overseas war, and exacerbated by an unequal system of taxation. Eventually the middle class of this country grows tired of the corrupt beauracracy and stages a revolution. Sounds like the storyline for a realistic, near-future dystopian film, doesn’t it? Well, if you know your history, you’ll recognize the scenario as what we more commonly refer to as the “French Revolution”. Which is an amusing coincidence (but not ironic), since the expensive overseas war that brought the French all these financial woes was the American Revolution, and both events are celebrated this month; the US celebrates its independence on July 4, and Bastille Day is on July 14. We’ve been prattling on a lot lately about our right to revolution, so if you feel the motives utilized by both the French and the colonial Americans were legitimate and would like to start another revolution, I’d like to suggest perhaps we get things rolling on July 9. Not only is it conveniently between the two dates, but it’s my birthday and would make the day very special for me for the rest of my life. I promise I’ll come up with some catchy slogan involving the consumption of sweets or pastries or something, and maybe we’ll end up with some cool new idea like the Declaration of the Rights of Man and of the Citizen. I personally think that notion needs a refresh, how ’bout you?
♫ Happy Birthday To Us ♫
[ 2 Comments ]Posted on June 11, 2009 by admin in Holidays
Thursday, June 11th, 2009Dissociated Press turns one year old today. Join the party by helping us pick a Best Of. So far, the only person at our party is that macabre animated teddy bear.
Hey, guess who turns one year old today? Yes, it was one year ago to the day that the first post appeared on Dissociated Press, a little blip about the Moog Electric Guitar. Which pretty quickly established one of our first style guide rules: No gratuitous YouTube links! We pondered doing a “Best Of” piece to celebrate today, but after one full year of daily updates, we’ve decided to leave that up to you. Feel free to tell us what you’ve liked or disliked over the past year; we’re about to do a redesign, and value your input. You could browse the sections or archives in the left-hand navigation, or go backwards through all the posts of 2009 or 2008. If you’re a writer or developer, we also recently expressed some wants and needs in the “Editorial & Opinion” section. And of course, we welcome Birthday Donations; so far the only person at our party is that macabre animated teddy bear pictured here. By the way, it’s also my friend Eric’s birthday, check out his amusing and occasionally cryptic site, Physician Heal Thyself.
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June Holidays – Have A Long Hard Gay Father’s Day
[ Comments Off ]Posted on June 2, 2009 by admin in Holidays
Tuesday, June 2nd, 2009Got Milf? It’s also Dairy Month, but the industry’s low on cheese, and Dissociated Press turns one year old. Maybe it’ll learn to walk on its own soon.
As always, we’ll be back throughout the month to touch on specific holidays in more detail, but here’s a quick June roundup. First up, June apparently is Dairy Month. You’d think the dairy industry would be milking this for all it’s worth, since they’re a little short on cheese at the moment, but as of this writing I could only find this “coming soon” page. I guess they had to lay off the web guy. For the record, if you’re looking for “got milk” images to parody, be careful not to enter “got milf”. Also in June, we of course have Father’s Day, that day when moms cook for dad, and the kids respectfully cater to his every need. Oh wait. That’s kind of like a regular day, isn’t it? How the hell did that warrant a holiday? For a little change of pace this year, try a Hard Gay Father’s Day. They really do things differently in Japan, don’t they? Whatever you do on Father’s day this year, it’s going to be a long one. Long day that is. The longest, in fact, because it’s also the Summer Solstice, which in this part of the country means it’s only two months until the first snow and four hours of dull gray daylight every day. Enjoy the Summer while you can! On a slightly more serious note, you’d think Juneteenth would be getting a little more attention this year, given the election of the nation’s first black president. All I could find was this generic listing of events at juneteenth.com. Perhaps most importantly this month though, Dissociated Press will be one year old on June 11. If you love me, consider donating to the Dissociated Press Birthday Fund. Oh, and one last thing. Can anybody tell me why they call them June Bugs if they always seem to come and go in May?
Moms Agree: War Sucks
[ Comments Off ]Posted on May 10, 2009 by admin in Holidays
Sunday, May 10th, 2009It always takes a little feminine wisdom to put things in perspective.
Considering the fact that May in this part of the world brings the return of flowers and sunny warm days, it’s a little ironic that the major May holidays are devoted to glorifying war. Although Cinco De Mayo has evolved into a sort of “Mexican St. Patrick’s Day” (i.e., celebrating Mexican culture in general while Mexicans themselves barely observe the holiday) it was in fact originally in celebration of kicking the asses of the French out of Mexico. Which, given the general predilection of English-speaking countries toward France-bashing, might explain its continued popularity in the states. Later in the month, we have Armed Forces Day and Memorial Day, which try to make you uncomfortable about protesting murder by making you feel like an unpatriotic twit who hates our sons and daughters who died protecting the politicians who sent them to die in the first place our way of life. Which brings us to an oft-overlooked aspect of Mother’s Day – which these days feels like another Hallmark Holiday – it was originally a proclamation against war. As is so often the case, it takes a woman to have the insight, intelligence and humanity to present things clearly. If you can read the Mother’s Day Proclamation without shedding a tear, I know a couple of guys you might like. Here are a few of the opening lines, if you’ve never read it: