December is – as we all know – probably the busiest month for holidays. Probably because in much of the capitalist world, it’s dark and gloomy about 18 hours out of every 24, so there’s nothing to do but try to make yourself feel better by eating, shopping, and stringing pretty lights and candles all over the place to ward off the depression. So we’ll get to the biggies like Christmas, Hannukah, and Kwanzaa next week, but before all the holiday cheer begins, let’s pause for a moment of somber reflection on Pearl Harbor Day, which has become an excellent time to remember the events of September 11, because, well, they probably came about in the same way. Of course, the average flag-waving American will probably want to wash their hands of any such talk immediately. This is convenient, because December 6th through 12th is National Handwashing Awareness Week. Which kind of leaves one wondering what the hell people do with them the other 51 weeks of the year. In any case, let Henry The Hand’s sniff test help you clean up your act and rid the world of the filth being spread by evil characters like his likely arch-nemesis, Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo. And much like the one week of clean hands a year, you’re also allowed human rights for a day on December 10. This seems to be a less-than-hot-topic for the UN; as of this writing their human rights home page makes no mention of the holiday, and the most recent item in the “news” section is from April. So just enjoy your silly human rights while you still have some. Like mom always used to say, “there are kids in [INSERT COUNTRY NAME] that are starving for human rights“. Okay, maybe I’m misquoting mom a bit. In any case, like we said, we’ll be back with thoughts on the “real” December holidays next week, but in the meantime we have several pages of shopping ideas for you. Oh, and don’t forget. Global Orgasm Day is coming.

I don’t know about you, but I’m not touching Henry ’til he finishes that shower…